how to be a coffee addict

Most people don't have the dedication and sheer desperation it takes to be a coffee addict. Coffee addicts are people who have realized that the only "value" they can find in life is through really, really inconsequential accomplishments. Because they literally can't apply themselves to completing a task on their own volition, they consume copious amounts of caffeine until they feel more uneasy idle than while moving.

(1) Make sure you set up the coffee at night, so all you have to do is press a damn button to fill up your ceramic. Some coffee makers have "timers" but I've never found that works quite like you imagine it would. Hearing the gurgling chug of the coffee maker doing its thing is part of the experience. Set up your coffee maker before you go to bed to brew 3 cups(usually the "6" mark on the pot).

(2) The next morning, imagine the smell and taste of coffee. Think to yourself "Coffee is my sole reason for living today". Don't stop by the mirror, you vein bastard. Don't stop by the refrigerator, you fat tub of shit and definitely don't stop by the toilet, you regular bowel-mover. Remember the coffee will take a little while to make 3 cups. Make sure the first thing you do, before putting clothes on or anything else, is push the "on", "start", or "help" button on your brewer. When the coffee is done brewing, drink it. The first cup will seem like nothing compared to the second, and the third(especially the first time) will make you nauseous. Don't worry about how you feel, worry about how the coffee would feel if you didn't drink it.

(3) Unpleasant sensations will soon give way to a lightheaded, happy energy. This may be accompanied by a feeling of superiority to people and things around you. Observe carefully as you beat friends and coworkers to the punch on various minor and unimportant problem-solving tasks. In the early afternoon, you will start to feel tired. Don't sleep! You have to stay caffeinated all day until your limbs feel alarmingly weak(more on that later). Instead of a nap or a careful reconsideration of your priorities, have 2 cups of coffee, hot or iced. You'll be back to moving and thinking way faster than your environment in a matter of minutes.

(4) It's 2-3 hours before your normal bed time, and you're having doubts, like "I feel really, really goddamn tired, maybe this coffee thing isn'-" STOP RIGHT THERE. Who are you going to trust? Yourself, who's been on the planet 10-110 miserable years, or coffee, which has had 1200 years of colorful history and experience? In all honesty, you ought to be ashamed of yourself for denying coffee free passage into your digestive system only because of the time of day or sensations in your chest. Brew some more coffee, 3 cups just to be safe, and stare at the slowly filling pot apolegtically, even if you're not sorry. When finished, enjoy. Pay no mind to tears welling in your eyes; another cup will put an end to that. Notice how pleasantly alert your mind is until bed time. You'll know it's time to go to sleep only when it's really hard to lift your arms or walk around without feeling faint. Repeat step 1, and get 4-5 hours of caffeiene influenced sleep.

CONGRATULATIONS!
You've consumed about 1 and 1/3 pots of coffee, and I bet you feel SLIGHTLY BETTER. You may notice after a few days that your consumption must increase slightly. Very few people get over the 2 pot limit, so just go with it and if you do get over the 2 pot limit, brag. Enjoy the everlasting effects of unwelcome energy.