She considered, ‘what kind of victory would that be, anyhow?’. She stopped walking. Before she knew for sure how she was going to remedy this situation, she wasn’t going to make any more steps in the wrong direction. She dreaded walking into her apartment, totally exhausted and alone. She would likely breakdown and cry. She dreaded walking back into his home, looking into the face of the man who would allow her to walk home in the middle of the night alone, only to admit wrongdoing so she could stay there. She dreaded both, and the sadness swirled around her as she stood in place, knees locked.
There was no right action, she had to pick completely arbitrarily. But the sadness had little to do with this fleeting interpersonal conflict. There was never a right action; every action she had ever taken in her life had left her standing in place, more upset and more conflicted than before. She started moving only to distract from the thoughts that might lead her to wander out onto the road and try to get struck by a vehicle. She was going back to his place; and it didn’t matter anymore why she was doing so. She saw truck lights up ahead. She knew them well. Her heart skipped a beat, and she turned on a dime to walk in the other direction to save the last inkling of pride she may or may not actually have.
She could hear the shift into idle, and see the sideview mirrors reflection in her peripheral vision. “I know you were walking back to my place, I saw you turn around”, he said in a very soft, forgiving voice. She hated the bastard’s good vision, she thought, but at the same time, was glad that he could always tell what was going on. She bawled harder than she could remember doing before, and she honestly couldn’t decide if it was from sadness or happiness. She heard the motor turn off, and him step towards her. She felt his hands grip her on her upper arms and it felt like burning. He gently pulled her towards his chest and wrapped his arms around her, and all of the kind moments came back to her in a flood. He said “Come on, we’ve been through worse. Let’s see if we feel better in the morning”.
The words shot through her like a javelin. They made way too much sense; bringing her emotionality to a gridlock. She climbed into the passenger seat with iron resolve. As she looked over at him for the first time as he was watching the road, she was surprised to see him not sad, not happy, but looking quite confused. His kind words didn’t quite match is face. Now she wasn’t so sure of his feelings about the situation. She turned her attention to the road and was again surprised to see him driving towards her apartment. “We’re going to my place?” she asked. He replied “I thought you wanted to go home; that’s ok, I just didn’t think you should walk alone this late and in this heat”. She sat silent for what seemed like several hours but was just about 6 minutes. She looked over at him, and said “you could stay over, if you want”.
He turned to look at her. She grinned, though she tried to stop the reflex. He smiled and said “I would like that”. When she looked again at the road, she thought of the situation more clearly than ever. The question in her mind of whether or not she was in love, loved, cared about, or liked this person, was no longer an important question. Instead, the question was “Does everything this person say make an obscene amount of sense?”, and the answer was an unshaken “Yes”.
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