are you white trash?

I was born in a trailer(note: not a hospital close to the trailer park, in a trailer) and moved to the suburbs only by the mercy of my father(occasionally called “ma daddy” in white trash tribes) being able to afford a dilapidated 95,000 dollar home. At this point, I thought I had taken a large step from being “white trash” to “white”, but slowly realized that economic standing had nothing to do with being white trash.

White trash is a cultural group I still identify with. In many ways, I am grateful for the existence of the phrase, for saving me the trouble of spending every waking moment on being lame and compromising like the “white not-trash”(if there can be such a thing) that surrounds me. Are you white trash? Well, if you don’t identify as another racial group and it’s subsets for whatever reason, and are what bigots call an “under-achiever”, then you are halfway there. The other cultural markers are this:

You don’t drink alcohol/drink A LOT of alcohol...

Moderation is something that people latch onto to coast through life without conflict, out of fear or lack of substance. Not only is a white trash specimen fearless, they are confident in their decisions to the point where they actually let their excess guide them, example: “let the liquor do the thinking”. To qualify as a non-drinker example, you don’t drink for a reason besides your own health.

You have lots of pets(bonus points: non-mammal pets)(extra bonus: pets that are illegal to own)...

If you plan on dying without being surrounded by more than one dog/cat/bird/snake/colony of venomous insects your family will have to take as your only inheritance, you can’t qualify. I really can’t figure this out, but White Trash people love animals, and the weirder the better. If you received an exotic pet as a present before puberty, you can be sure your parents were white trash. If you asked for it, you are too.

You’ve smoked cigarette butts/ used chewing tobacco...

Without nicotine, there would be white-trash spree killings on a [more] regular basis. Nicotine appeals to the psyche of the white trash individual the same way it appeals to others, but white trash is differentiated in that they have scraped the bottom of the barrel to get nicotine at moments of poverty, instead of thinking “this is a waste of time and money”. To white trash, nothing is a waste of time or money.

You like boats/water/vacation cruises...

The promise of conquest when you are on the open water must fire up some sleeping neurons in a white trash specimen. The reality that any non-white trash person can see is that you’re hanging out in murky water with poison fish and the possibility of drowning while piss-drunk. I must admit this doesn’t apply to me, because:

You don’t know how to swim...

This is a general marker of poverty, but especially in the case of whites. It means that your parents couldn’t afford swimming lessons or time at a pool, and there was no body of water near your living quarters deep enough to want to swim in. Bonus points if you make no effort to learn.

You are surrounded by musical instruments...

And you are not a musician in any traditional sense. It doesn’t count if you can play one well, or all of them ok. You have to have baffling noise-causing mechanisms all around you, for no pragmatic reason, like your pets. Bonus points if you are offended when people offer to buy them.

You’ve done a trick on your bicycle...

This doesn’t count if it’s something anyone would be impressed with. It has to be something like skidding on gravel/wet leaves, running into a wall at greater and greater speeds, simply riding off of a tall ledge, or holding onto a car to gain speed. White Trash love bicycles, and I think most of then learn to ride them before they learn their own name. Bonus points if you’ve been hospitilized for trying. Extra bonus points if you tried it again successfully. Mega bonus points if you were hospitalized again.

You’ve gone more than 2 weeks without showering...

Either because you had no access to a shower on purpose, or you “needed more time” for playing video games or doing meth.

You collect something worthless...

This is what you can use to tell a white trash specimen apart from a poorly dressed great ape. In the back of the white-trash persons mind is some lingering self-awareness that they are just going through culturally and biologically programed motions. In order to fight this sensation, they have keepsakes from their various indulgences. Because who wants to just drink beer for no reason when you can collect the cans and make a dog/cat/bird/snake/venomous insects house with them?

You imagine receiving a great deal of money somehow...

And when you get it, you know exactly what you’re going to spend it on. And what you’re going to spend it on doesn’t involve a bank, collecting interest, or investing. It’s strictly for upgrading the quality of the cars, house, and dogs/cats/birds/snakes/colony of venomous insects that surround you.