shameless

Hi, my name is Cobe Soldo. I always believed I was not quite like everyone around me. I felt apart, inward oriented, and at the same time possessing a very helpful position to other people: that is, complete genuineness in my own being and advice.

This has only been reenforced by those around me. Back in high school, when different friends could be bisexual, drug addicts, or complete idiots depending on weather patterns and hormonal spikes, I was told repeatedly that I was "not a poser" and "the only person who is doing whatever he wants". Keep in mind that it takes little effort to be what I was and am: yourself.

I never felt held back by societal restraints or religious ones, rather I was angered at them for implicit impositions on me. This has been an excellent path for me, but only recently have I become aware that I was indeed holding myself back.

When people(even if it's only one good friend) tell you that you are bulletproof, It builds your confidence but also makes you feel a responsibility. If you are bulletproof, Then you can never be shot down, or it will tarnish you. If you are reminded that you have "the fire", you want to keep it burning. And knowing exactly what keeps it burning seems like tricky business.

Only recently(about 2 hours ago), I realized how inane this really is. Human beings are who they were and always will be, and only the weakest of personalities sways in the breeze. I used to become worried about how a drug might be dulling my abilities, how my lifestyle(whatever it might have been) is leading me to a path of submission. Well, it's not, it never was, and the only thing that was making me submissive and anxious about "loosing myself" was the idea that it could happen.

I used to think that when I wake up tomorrow, I could be a different person. That maybe one day I'll just square-out. Yet I personally am at much less risk of that then anyone I can think of. This doesn't mean I ought to rest on my laurels, but it does mean I can let myself be myself and worry about the work that needs to be done. I don't need self-awareness to exist. Now I am free to be aware of much more.

Self-discovery? There is nothing there to be discovered. I know exactly my appetites, how to quell them in short order, and move the hell on.