more self-absorbed drinking psychoanalysis

Since I started drinking so late in my life(most people start before they're 20), and I did it in such an antisocial way(never expected to be a "social" or "situational drinker), It has caused me all sorts of mental grief.

I have since wondered if I was doing the right or wrong thing repeatedly. When I'm not drinking, I weigh the options and when I am drinking, I weigh the options unless I'm so drunk I can't make popcorn.

I realized(like I did when I started) that the choice isn't of much consequence really, but the cognitive dissonance is. Since I started, I have had 2-21 day "dry spells" in which for whatever reason I think I should stop. I am absolutely sure that during these times my output, although it may be of greater quality, is pretty substantially reduced.

So why do I do more "work" when drinking? Well, if I think drinking is ultimately the wrong thing to do, then when I am dry I can at least remember I am not drinking now, and entertain the possibility of not drinking again. Once the initial withdrawal is over, I honestly feel great sober. This gives me a false sense of security. If I have great self-control, self-confidence, and a body that's getting all of it's REM sleep and is rarely dehydrated, all I do is enjoy myself, Unless something else upsets me. I think that things will be taken care of without my input.

On the other hand, if I'm wet as a dishcloth, I think fairly often about getting liver masses when I'm 30, I think about how I might be damaging my cognitive abilities in the short run, and so I put my foot on the gas. I don't want to be another heavy-drinking loser, so I try harder. It puts true uncertainty into the mix. And that is a powerful motivator.

Drinking, for me, introduces the fear of incompetence. The only way to fight that fear is to increase my competence.