my funeral wishes

All of us are going to die, but some of us more than others. Just because my body was found motionless, 20 degrees frozen solid in the yukon with a lethal overdose of caffeine in my system doesn't mean you should label me "dead". It's judgemental and furthermore, if you accept my death that means you caused it through your inaction

Upon the discovery of my inert body, I want the funeral, or more accurately, the "revival" to begin at once. Despite my constant uttering of "what a bunch of bullshit" at supernatural claims, try all of them. Haitian voodoo(make sure it's performed by a blind, drunk 95 year old man), exorcisms, astrological hoopla, medical cures performed after the fact, slapping me around and begging me to "come on man" must all be tried. At that point, don't give up hope. That's what religious people do.

First contact everyone I hate and take some of their stuff. Just something that they're attached to. Don't tell them who you are, and for god sakes wear a mask, idiot. Second, contact everyone who likes me and ask them to donate money for the efforts to keep me alive. If they don't do it, take some of their stuff.

Pool all of the money, and take my body to the nicest hospital, wherever it exists in the world. Implore the fine doctors to upgrade my condition to alive, by any means neccesary. Offer them a small fraction of the money(the rest going to me upon my "return"), if they refuse, offer all of it. At this point, I will probably "come back" in some sense.

If not, at the 3 year mark, I probably am, in fact, dead. Autopsy every tissue in my body. I know for a fact I didn't die on purpose, so catch the bastard who did it, whether it be a sociopathic stranger, an enemy, a friend, or heart disease. Send a call to all bounty hunters who can be reached to drop their current jobs and find my killer for double their original bounty. When the culprit is apprehended, keep him/her/it alive and torture till the day he/she/it dies.

I then want a statue of my likeness to be erected right next to the current tallest sky-scraper in the world. The dimensions should be head and shoulders above it, just like I was in life. This skyscraper, internally, will be a massive museum of my lifes work, on every floor. Except the top floor. No one goes to the top floor, that's where you keep all my stuff. If another skyscraper tops me, make another statue of my likeness. I want to be wearing a blazer, with an afro that can be seen from space, with the words "too real" stamped on my chest. I want my real, original brain preserved and placed in the head of the statue(and moved to the next one) so that when the aliens land, they can retrieve it and revive me.