-computer without internet
Do you want to have the functions of your computer, without friends and enemies bombarding you with useless information and advertisements at 56K+ speeds? Since 1992, You may have forgotten that computers can be disconnected from the world. When they are, a computer is transformed from an exhausting social tool to an energizing tool of isolation. Excellent.
-whiteboard
Do you want the illusion of being able to start fresh, followed by the illusion of progress, followed by the illusion of being able to start fresh, over and over? Who doesn't? With a whiteboard, you can attain such illusions and maybe even reality(if you write it on there, in bold red).
-alcohol
Do you feel really "Ok" all the time? do you feel so "Ok" that you want to drive your car into an electrical pole? Well, with the consumption of alcohol, you can feel better than ok, and the next day, worse than ok. But at least the suffocating neutrality is put to rest. Just don't plan to drive, cause you might drive your car into an electrical pole.
-snus
Do you use your time and energy to great effect, are often congratulated on a job well done, and still don't know where your dopamine is hiding? Try some nicotine that doesn't have carbon and incinerated formaldehyde in it, and your dopamine will come out to play. The best part is now you can use your time and energy to use snus, and congratulate yourself!
-wikipedia
Want to know something? like, right the fuck now? Well, type "wikipedia.org" (you don't even need the WWW, because we all know you're on the world wide web) and check it out. If you don't find it, it's not real.
-mini fridge(or big fridge)
Tired of eating pizza and drinking warm liquor? yeah, me neither. But each thing can be improved with the recent invention of refrigeration! Food can be saved without causing new and upsetting flavors to emerge, and various drugs can be stored to have greater effect.
-mouthwash
What is that taste in your mouth? Shame, or vomit? It's probably a mixture of both, and if you want to feel "clean" while still living dirty, look no further than mouthwash. People will stop turning their heads and saying "oh my god!" when you speak to them, and the opposite sex will, as if by magic, do all sorts of invigorating things to your mouth with their own without being nauseated.
-calvin and hobbes books
Eyes burned out from the digital age? On drugs? Not on drugs? happy? sad? Tired of words? Tired of pictures? Attention span about 3-10 panels? There's an interesting synthesis called the comic strip that can satisfy you, and Calvin and Hobbes is the best one.
-audacity
Do you wish sounds, like people, could be manipulated for you own benefit? They can, with a freeware program called Audacity. It's like photoshop for audio. Now you can take perfectly good songs, break down their component parts and create a new off-putting song with MC GRAHAM rapping on it.
-video camera
It's one thing to just try to convince the people in your life that your inner circle of friends gets really drunk and does embarrasing/illegal things, it's another to actually record it for posterity, and have the people in your life watch it and talk to you much less. A video camera reminds you that your world is not limited to your facebook friends list, or your cellphone contacts list, but instead limited much greater to people who are willing to "work" on your videos with you for no compensation.
-condom
Love to have sex, but hate to have offspring? Wish you could trap all of your seemingly sterile but alarmingly fertile life-goop in a balloon and send it to the final frontier, your girlfriends trashcan next to her computer? Now you can. If you love to have sex with strangers but hate to have a syphilitic brain, it also helps.
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