I am a monster

I want you to kiss me, or punch me in the stomach. Love me, or leave me to die. I want you to let me take control, or treat me like a baby. I don’t want to have a handshake. I don’t want you to think I’m just ok. I don’t want us to be equals. I never wanted to be average. I never wanted to be “whatever”. I want to be extreme, to either or any extreme. I am not decent, I am a monster. I have always been a monster and I crave blood. It can be the blood flowing to your heart or the blood spilled for me. Your pulse has 2 options when I walk in the room. It can race, or it can stop. If you maintain homeostasis, of the body or the mind, in my presence, I want nothing to do with you.

I’m here to change you, or have you change me. I don’t want to reassure each other. You thought I was “chill”? I’m as chill as the drool freezing on your face while you wait for the rescue copter. You thought I was cool? I’m as cool as the harpoon pulled out of a beached whale. I’m tense. I’ve always had a tension that doesn’t show, like the cogs in a machine. I’m a machine. No amount of back rubs, drugs, herbs, contentment or love could help me. No earthly vice or virtue could serve to loosen me up. I’ll never be calm, I’ll never stop being a predator. I’ll never stop hunting what I want and screaming when it escapes. I am not human. I am, always have been, and as far as I can tell, always will be, a monster.