the science of female buttocks

After 21 tiresome years of life, I am 100% certain that I am an ass man. Many men who claim the same prestigious title only like "ba-donka-donk" or some other kind of trendy, passing terminology for sloppy, unrestrained symmetrical fat deposits.

There are many dimensions, both physically and intellectually, for female buttocks. Commonly, when someone exclaims "nice ass", it is, indeed, not nice, but hostile in some sense or another. Here are when claiming "nice ass" is a misnomer:

-no hips. often called the "bubble butt", this is when a butt physically sticks out from the owner, but is missing the upside-down heart shape that reduces general levels of stress when seen. Though the shape could be admirable in every other respect, it must be housed in a set of curved hips to match. The lack of hips is an even worse eventuality when it is matched with wide shoulders. What gender are we looking at, anyway?

-doesn't protrude. The polar opposite of the no-hips phenomenon, this is when an "ass" if it is to be called so is shapely, with hips and even a remarkable cavern between cheeks, but there are no cheeks to match! Often championed by the Caucasian, this style of buttocks is unnacceptable to the individual participating in sex or looking at a woman from the side. If it's not like a button, if it doesn't jiggle when playfully struck, it's not a nice ass.

-one big cheek. This is when there is no worthwhile seperation between cheeks. Often seen in women of larger carriage. Though this may have been able to slide before women wore pants(probably leading to its propagation and existence in the present), it can't be overlooked in the era of jeans and pants. If a participant has to slide his/her hand an uncharted amount of territory to reach the vagina, it's not worth it. The female buttocks should be inviting, not intimidating.

-long butt syndrome. This is when, even in the days of low-rise jeans, an ass is "long" and not commensurately wide. Pragmatically, there shouldn't be a problem but aesthetically, this is associated in my mind with old age or poor health. A good indicator of the correct length is whether the legs, when walking, press into the buttocks, creating a noticeable curve on each cheek.

I, as an ass man, demand that the buttocks in question fulfill the criteria of curved hips, protrusion, independent cheekhood and short, youthful size. If it doesn't, it's not a nice ass and furthermore I wouldn't want to be associated with it. Very small breasts, superfulous belly fat and even the existence of hair can be foregone in the case of very nice ass. But not one feature of the buttocks can be overlooked.