do you have what it takes?

I've delivered your food for just about 2 1/2 years. Well, maybe it wasn't your particular food, but it was some jerk just like you. And after this rather sizable fraction of my life spent doing this, I'm having what psychologists call a "I just can't do this shit anymore" breakdown. It's usually experienced among careers such as hitman, heroin mule and other service industry jobs.

Yet, I still like being able to get food delivered on occasion, and most drivers can handle doing it for 1-112 months, so it's a necessary evil. The question is, will you join the ranks? Here are the requirements for being able to get pleasure out of the job in question:

-you love your fucking car. You'd rather be in your car than sitting in a cozy office chair, on your own sofa reading comic books, or in bed with a beautiful woman. You literally get excited every time you go for a spin in it. You don't even care if you're doing nothing that benefits you. (note: this is why almost all food delivery drivers do a socially unacceptable drug they have to do in their car)

-When someone hands you 2 quarters as a tip, you can refuse the urge to toss it on the ground, spit in their face and challenge them to a dominance contest. Most people don't feel like this the first time, but believe me, after the 2nd or 100th time, those feelings will start to creep in.

-You have the moral flexibility to literally take every order in the store while your coworker is off getting stoned or whacking off. This is the only way you can afford gas, right?

-You know how to steal food. The "getting sick of pizza/subs/the shittiest food in the world" idea is a myth. Whether you like it or not, if you spend enough time working by food, you're gonna want to eat it and if you actually pay for it, you will feel dirty forever. because you are dirty forever. Steal, it's the only way to get nowhere closer to receiving just compensation for your time and energy.

-When people are mad at you for being late, you can stare at them completely expressionless instead of explaining it to them. No one believes your stories, and you can't tell them that you made sure their order was late because last time they tipped you 2 quarters.

-When your boss delivers to "help out", you resist the urge to slash his tires/kidnap his children for ransom(a.k.a. the "original tip")

-You can get excited about working on holidays because 3 drunk customers(always blonde middle aged women) give you the equivalent of 10 extra dollars, total.

-You can fool yourself into thinking that a tip is "extra money", instead of money that your employer has docked from your pay already and left it up to the customer to make up.

-You're willing to listen to a CD that skips on every song, if it's the only music in your car at the time.(alternately, you can't get enough of talk fucking radio)