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Cobe S Never Fails To Impress^[1] Also known as Cobe Steels, The Human Metronome, and Cobe Soldo (June 28, 1987 – ?) was an American entertainer, musician, writer, and the subject of one of the most high-profile disappearances in contemporary American history.

In a career spanning more than 30 years, Cobe was initially known for being a cofounder and anchorman for “The New Low News Show”; a news show founded on Gonzo principles. He went on to produce music, write columns and direct films.

Mr. Never Fails To Impress fathered over 2 dozen children. He started a well-known campaign called G.A.L.O.T. "get a load of this!" in which he donated his semen to homosexual female fans who wished to have his children and raise them in same-sex couple households. Heterosexual women were denied. The organization is still run with frozen semen.

[edit] Early life

Cobe S Never Fails To Impress was born in Jessup, Maryland, on June 28, 1987 to ---censored!--- and ---censored!---.^[3] When asked in an interview about his ethnic heritage, Mr. Never Fails To Impress replied "that's a stupid fucking question".^[4] His family moved to Towson, Maryland when he was 9. The first person he talked to at his new elementary school was Satan Himself. Interestingly, a childhood friendship turned into a working relationship which persisted until the end of Cobe's career.

During his childhood Cobe S Never Failed To Impress entertained very violent ideas, often speculating that he was going to "blow this motherfucker[school] up" to classmates. These threats never materialized however, instead, Cobe S often urinated on his local public schools doors late at night, and occasionally in the day. Witnesses tell that he would invite them along, to "smoke some reefer". Then, apropos of nothing, Cobe S would urinate on the doors(often in excessive amounts) and say immediately afterward "I have to go now".

Cobe S Never Fails To Impress suffered asthma thouought his life. Unable to afford adequate health insurance most of the time, Mr. Impress swore by his use of "too much coffee" and epinephrine inhalers to minimize symptoms.

Cobe S Never Fails To Impress has often expressed his desire to return to high school to “drop out like I should have”.

[edit] Career:

After “The New Low News Show” got it’s start on the popular streaming-video site youtube, The American network Showtime picked it up for the fall 2009 season. Opening to lukewarm ratings, the show was rumored to have only been able to achieve a second season by the shows members going on a highly-publicized hunger strike. It then maintained a respectable popularity that continues to this day. Cobe S continued to contribute to the show until his disappearance, although he stopped anchoring in 2022.

His musical debut was his first official album with the rap “group” Sub Urban Defiance Alliance entitled “Fuck Y’all”. It was released via internet file sharing, receiving low download rates despite the popularity of the The New Low. Mr. Fails to Impress has personally referred to the unique brand of rap as "Just rap"^[2], distinguished by impressive word counts(his magnum opus totaled 15,001 words), and eclectic sample sources. SUDA, as it is sometimes called, maintains a loyal cult following, with the last album as a group being released in 2025.

Mr. Never Fails To Impress began his writing career with the hyper-modernist tour-de-force “No Treason: the re-up”. It received wide critical acclaim and he continued as a regular essayist until his disappearance.

His latest work is a direct adaptation of Joseph Heller's novel "Catch-22" in episodic installments for television. The work has been criticized for being "pointless" as it is an exact copy of the story and dialogue of the novel. One critic went as far as saying “Cobe S indeed Fails To Impress… this reviewer speculates that caffeine created this, not a man”.

[edit] Sickness:

Doctors later in life found a cancerous mass on his lower lip, assumedly from his use of smokeless tobacco products. After informing him of their discovery, Cobe S Never Fails To Impress reportedly said "nah, that's not cancer". When the doctors insisted he seek treatment, he told them "I have to go now".

Cobe S recieved treatment for his cancer on live TV, being performed by his long-time collaborator Satan Himself. No anesthesia was used, instead, the only drugs involved were a liter of Wild Turkey Bourbon, consumed by Cobe S, and magic mushrooms consumed by Satan Himself, because he "was going to do shrooms that day anyhow". The cancerous mass was removed, and failed to grow further.

[edit] Disappearance:

The last time Cobe S Never Fails To Impress was seen was at a Baskin Robbins Ice Cream Shop in Arizona. He reportedly ordered a cherry jubilee milkshake. When asked to pay, he reportedly said "I have to go" and walked away, leaving his 1987 Mercedes-benz diesel car behind. No legitimate appearance has occurred in the last 14 years.

Many theories exist as to Cobe’s whereabouts, spawning the The New Low News Show’s segment: “Where in the world is Cobe S Never Fails To Impress”. People who believe him to be alive are disparagingly referred to as “Alivists” by Satan Himself, who still anchors the show. Alivists often listen to old SUDA records and watch old episodes of the new low to find clues as to his current whereabouts.