Every morning I ask myself "why should I get out of bed?". Here are some of the most common answers:
-coffffeee....sweet -but in actuality bitter- cofffeee...
-need to urinate. maybe if I turn on this side the feeling will go away. ahhhhh!!...fuck. it's back. please stop please stop please stop FINE! I'll go whiz.
-wow! a woman in the bed next to me! let's see if she reacts to stimuli... she does! she's alive! life is okay, momentarily. I'm going to feed her so she sticks around.
-time to arise, arise AND LIVE, LIVE... LIKE NEVER BEFORE!!!*
-holy shit, am I hungry or is world war 3 beginning in my G.I. tract?
-how did I get to sleep last night? wow, I'm wearing nothing but a hat, suspenders, shoes and socks. ha! I must have been really intoxicated. life is absurd. let's see what other surprises await me...
-wow! a hard-on! time to whack it! WHACK IT LIKE NEVER BEFORE!!!!
-I'm late for an appointment with 2 christian gentlemen who happen to be brothers.**
-holy shit. Someone else is making breakfast. I'm going to pretend to sleep until it's done and then eat it
-I wonder what Yossarian*** and the gang have been up to since I fell asleep...
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*2 or 3 times in my life, total
**substituate a Mr. Jim Beam, Mr. Johnnie Walker, a Turkey that's wild, a Mr. Facundo Bacardi, a certain Saint named Ide, a Dog who's Mad, etcetera
***substitute Penn Jillette, Huey Freeman, Jeffrey Lebowski, Dexter Morgan, 2 christian gentlemen who happen to be brothers, etcetera
-need to urinate. maybe if I turn on this side the feeling will go away.
1 comment:
this is some of the funniest stuff you've written to date. that is all.
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