Dear woman,

You are taking a lot of shit, believing a lot of bullshit, and allowing your life to be shitty.

First, you are familiar with the double-standard regarding promiscuity; a man who owns his sexual life is a “stud”, and a woman who does the same is a “whore”. You recognize that there shouldn’t be different standards, but instead of defending women’s freedom, you more typically argue that men are also whores. The only fault to be found in a persons sex life is wherein it is suppressed. Have exactly as much sex, with as many people as, and in any way that, you desire. You may have to occasionally defend or explain yourself. This is the small price you pay for not being ridiculous.

Second, in relationships, not all men are the same. They certainly aren’t all “pigs”, despite what a roomful of bitter jersey girls might tell you. Another fantastic bit of wisdom is: “women like men who are jerks”. If you couldn’t tell by the splitting headache you got while reading that, it’s nonsense. It’s only purpose is to take away your own personal responsibility. You’ve been with jerks, because you made bad choices.

Thirdly, stop hating women. You play for the same team. Don’t be jealous that another woman’s body has more, or less, of something than yours does. Women, like all great things, come in many shapes, sizes, colors, textures and levels of moisture. Contrary to -clearly senseless- popular belief, all variations of the aforementioned qualities are attractive to someone. Unless you’re me, you’ll occasionally have to deal with being in the same room with someone more attractive than you. Remember that there might be something you have to offer besides appearance. Maybe.

Finally, you are not 10. You can’t strong-arm innocence into every area of your life. It’s not funny or cute to refuse to solve problems, do math, or take charge of anything. Sometimes looking pretty isn’t enough. Actually, there is no time when looking pretty is enough. In fact, all of the previous obnoxious and counter-productive traits are retrograding to youth; when constructive thought was interrupted by the sound of the ice cream truck. Being afraid of sex because it’s icky, hating boys because of cooties(but kind of liking the one who hit you with the medicine ball), and being mad at Sue because she has a prettier bow in her hair than you do.

I’m not sure how these things have continued to be the gold standard for female behavior, but it ought to stop. You are a grown woman. Maybe you naturally possess these personality traits, and if so, enjoy your obsessiveness and general neurosis. More likely you are better than this, so be yourself.