the drink drinks itself

A drinking session for me is an emotional rollercoaster. It's nothing extraordinary, like an emotional kidnapping; It doesn't bring up absolute despair or complete validation, instead it brings up a full range of attitudes.

For the first part of the day I'm upbeat, maybe more than your average drunk, but self-criticizing. I spend one minute to several hours contemplating what the optimal amount to drink is, how I can drink exactly that much, wondering if this drinking thing is for me, the whole 9 yards.

Then, I come to a vague conclusion that "Well, I'm a drinker, so I ought to drink". Then I have one to several drinks. Then my attitude is "Ok. This is pretty good. But I got really drunk last night. So tonight, I think I'll just cruise with a nice buzz till bedtime and wake up fresh tomorrow".

One out of several times, I do just that. More often, I feel reawakened, not much differently than if my sleep lasted from when I blacked out to when all the shame and/or guilt passed, after my 3rd or 4th drink.

That's when Opportunity presents itself. Possibly (mis?)guided by optimism, I evaluate how the evenings going to pass. Option One: Even though I might want to drink, I don't, because I've heard that's the responsible thing to do. Enjoying myself will probably be made of watching DVDs and eating. Option several: Drink as much as I damn well please, and fuck tomorrow if it doesn't want to play ball.

Option one; the corny option; the option your mom would want me to take, doesn't put up a fight. You can read plenty about Sober artists and thinkers, and plenty about hard drinking artists and thinkers, but there is no congratulatory literature on the moderators. They're boring. And that's ultimately the conclusion I come to when I reach the "edge" between maintaining and indulging. It's too late to stop tonight; so go for broke.

This isn't an epiphany, it's what I think(more or less eloquently than stated here) every single morning and/or night. It's hard to maintain clarity and remember all this during a hangover, but when I do; I realize the only way to cut the bullshit is to get drunk quicker.