Tattoos: Not that cool

Though it is possible for a decent human being to get a sharp looking tattoo, or tattoos, and move on to bigger and better things; there's more often some kind of obnoxious subtext in the whole act. Here is a definitive and complete list of tattoos, the people who have them, and the people in their lives.

A- The extremely visible, totally bad-ass, impossible to cover up unique design



This person is clearly trying to differentiate herself. Imagine her without her tattoo. She'd look like the average brunette, probably giving you the eye in a bar, who you could take home and have very average sex with. What she doesn't realize is that tattoos are so mainstream, that now she just looks like the average brunette with a neck tattoo. Call me simple, but all I think when I see a unique tattoo is "unique tattoo", then I move on...

B- some tiny tattoo(s) of a heart, chinese lettering, a star, a butterfly, or something equally "cute" on the neck, back, small of back, belly button or ankle



Worn by men and women alike nowadays, having tattoos like these is similar to wearing earrings or coloring/styling your hair. It's decoration. There's nothing wrong with that. There is however, something wrong with thinking you're doing something outside the box, which unfortunately, many just-turned-18-year-olds think. "Mom and dad think I'll regret it, but I know I want a pistol on my left titty till the day I die!". Totally fine if you do, but no one cares.

C- really intense and ornate back/chest pieces



"Oh, sweet bro! What's that, like a goblin, or a dragon or some shit? and a staff and like an epic warrior horse?" Not that all of them have to look like this. It could be a back piece of all shit that I like, but I have the same questions. "how long did that take? didn't you have something better to do?", "How much did that cost? Didn't you have something else you could spend it on?", "How much did that hurt? Wouldn't you rather have been jerking off or something?". The answers to these questions are 'A long time, no; A lot of money, no; a shit ton, no, I prefer pain" respectively. It's a matter of priorities- people who have these are typically some combination of masochist, spend thrift, and image obsessed. None of which I can appreciate(except maybe masochist).

D- solid black letters, expressing an inspirational or nihilistic message in some language the subject doesn't speak, or stylized english letters.



In latin this means "Blow me". This is my favorite kind of tattoo, and the only one I've even considered getting myself, but there's tons of ways it can go wrong. Firstly, if you're working in another language, or you're illiterate in your own, make sure it's correct...



Second, make sure it's a phrase or thought that's worth a damn...



Yuck. And third, put it somewhere where it can be hidden(if it's in english). Why? Not out of shame or guilt or anything, but just common sense. Don't air out your dirty laundry in public, even if you think it smells like candy apples. I'd love to have "Get drunk Stay drunk" tattooed across my adam's apple, but I know it would arouse suspicion when I'm drunk in the public. Just the same, If you walk around with this...



It may arouse suspicion that you're a complete moron.

So, It's not an accomplishment, it doesn't add to your worth, it's just a hundreds-of-dollars pretty picture on your skin. There's nothing wrong with that, if you're trying to treat yourself to something nice; it has more permanence than almost anything else. But I don't have a tattoo for the same reason I don't roll on chrome rims or bathe regularly- it does nothing for my actual quality of life. Consider the same, unlike this guy.

He loved drinking

Why do I love drinking? And why do I do it alone?

The first few drinks is like turning the page. The best time to have them is directly after work, or on a miserable morning. The first very welcome effect is stress relief. At my 3rd drink, I can't even remember where I was feeling aches and pains, and the weight of the world is just gone. This is worth it for it's own sake, but I typically begin trying to work on some creative pursuit.

Does alcohol fuel the creative proccess? You can find tons of talented and untalented people opining on that question, but my answer is "for the working man, yes". After a day of mindless toil, The creative parts of my brain are just not working. I'm irritated, tired, and a little angry. You can't have new and interesting thoughts in that condition. A few drinks puts me in an optimistic condition, which might be all I need.

Ah, but it's not all I need. As I begin getting down to business, the workday and larger worries and troubles creep in. Sometimes they invade my work, or they just cause me to freeze. I certainly can't have that. At this point, I'm at a crossroads between "well, just do the best job you can and if it's not that good, just admit you don't have what it takes right now" or "I'm getting drunk". I pick the latter 90% of the time.

As I drink more(much more), several things could happen. I could fall asleep very early. But dreamless sleep really isn't much of a "consequence" seeing as how some people can't even get to sleep. I could still not do a very good job or call it quits, but at least I'll be really drunk instead of being disappointed in myself. Or, and this is what makes it all worthwhile; I could do a great job, and be really drunk.

It's happened several times. Now did I do a good job because I was drunk? Well, there's no telling. But in my case, the work is different. When I work with all my mental faculties, I'm spiteful, angry, and funny because of that. When I work on something drunk, it's clever, optimistic and good because of that. The work is good because I did it in a condition of feeling ZERO STRESS and maximum joy. That's right, it's not too much of a stretch to suggest work is of a higher quality if it comes out of that mental condition.

So that's why.

No Noble Lie

Honesty is goddamn important. I haven't always said that outright; more often I said something vague about the subject. The 'something vague' I had to say about the subject, like the 'something vague' anyone has to say about the subject, goes exactly like:

"Well honesty is the policy. You know, cause it's real. You'll always get caught lying. The only time it's ok to lie is to make someone feel better or to save someones life, like the noble lie, ya' know? that shits deep, Who said that "noble lie" shit anyhow? Neiyeetchsxzyee?".

Thats only the most shallow understanding of "honesty". Not that I'm any more qualified to discuss this than the imaginary person who authored the above quote(who was really me, trying to be clever and perceptive but actually being passive-agressive).

Honesty is more than telling the truth; It's living truthfully. Between people putting on a front of what they wish they were, stealing when they can get away with it, and lying to stop something from happening that might make them upset; the only honesty most people practice is the kind that doesn't mean a thing.

Honesty isn't alot of fun in the short run. It puts you in more awkward situations than the Sum of all 70s, 80s, and 90s coming-of-age sitcom scenes you've seen could, even if you were the main character. The pay off is that living honestly results in real level of comfort; the comfort that no one can call you on your bullshit, because there's no bullshit to be called on.

Moreover, a person can self-deceive(lie) themselves into a sense of entitlement; which is the least useful or appreciable thing a person can have. If one takes an honest inventory of themselves, they're more likely to be humbled than self-fulfilled. Being honest is thereby an agent of progress, or at least self-criticism; which is more useful than rationalization and oblivion every time.

stream of "

In solidarity with Yakutsk

It's cold. The coldest it's been here in North Carolina(the shallow south) since the 70s, there's freeze warnings in Florida, and the mid-atlantic has seen some negative temperatures. That's not interesting really, but what it does to people and institutions is.

Extreme weather of any sort is distracting and mind erasing. Lewis black put it better, at about 1 minute in:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4zpgai0n0cI

"FUCK IT'S COLD!" indeed. Now you're probably raising your hand to say "Well, this would feel warm to someone in Russia!". Of course. In a place where



this fucking monster racoon thing, and



this baby apex predator(yes, that's just a cub), and



some kind of a roided-out horse call home, the standards of "extreme" cold, or "extreme" anything, for that matter, are a little different.

For example. Take a good long look at this:



As an American, this probably helped you ring in the new year, gave you a few cute anecdotes the day after, and helped you Fingerbang Suzy Creamcheese for the first time several years ago. For a russian, this is the only way to get piece of mind when the day will get as warm as NEGATIVE THIRTY-THREE DEGREES FAHREN FUCKING HEIT.

Drinking increases the feeling of warmth. Now I know you think you're a genius for responding with "it doesn't actually make you warmer!"... while this is completely true, it really doesn't matter to a person who can't even focus on anything except how cold it is. So long as they're not actually at much risk of freezing to death- it's 30-50ml, again and again, to freedom.

Who could maintain objective reality when the objective reality is threatening to freeze your flesh off and turn you into brown bear food? Who would dare tell a Russian citizen that he ought to lay off the vodka or moderate his consumption when it will mean all he can think is "FUCK IT'S COLD!" for months on end? The Russian government, that's who.

Last year, Russian president Dmitry Medvedev called Russia's alcohol problem a "national disgrace" and said he was determined to cut consumption by a quarter by 2012. This started this year by setting a minimum price of a half liter of vodka. Nothing like this has been tried since the soviet days, and for good reason. Gorbachev limited the production of Vodka and did not allow it to be sold before 2PM. The result was citizens drinking perfume and mouthwash instead, and buying bootleg liquor(which is common there), some of which was processed from plywood(making it methanol, a.k.a. poison).

To a Russian, this is the equivalent of asking you to feel cold as fuck all the time, or drink poison. Just so your countries statistics look better. Even if your lifespan is increased, Extra years aren't worth a damn if they're spent shivering and depressed. This is the problem with any Nanny-state, it cares not about a citizens quality of life, but only about keeping you alive longer so it can extract more taxes from you and in turn institute policies that further reduce your quality of life.

I'm certain Dmitry Medvedev's consumption won't be reduced because of this policy, and that's why he sees no problem with it.