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Bliss

2010-11-26T20:45:00.002-05:00

Bliss

Is Not When You Don't Remember
It's When You Don't Mind.
The Present
Is As Good As The Past And As Good As The Future

Now And Here
Now And There
Then And When, Everywhere.
Freezing In Warmth.

It Starts At The Finish,
And Ends At The Beginning
And Then,
It's Over.

Screwy Reviewy: wheelchair

2010-11-14T22:13:00.004-05:00

+++ NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE GUILTY FROM BEING CONSIDERED AS SUSPECTS+++

Last night started innocently enough. After doing one chore, I headed to the liquor store to purchase some acceptable beers and some horrible liquor. A night of drinking lay ahead, but I could not be sure of the circumstances therein.

Suddenly, my mate, Sebastian, called. He invited me over to enjoy liquor and beer and his company, all at the same time. I accepted his request, especially because he offered to pick me up, and I had already had 4 standard drinks.

After arriving, much talk about rap music and drinking beer seemed to be the tone of the night, with many examples presented on youtube and to my lips. Out of somewhere, my friend Sebastian received a text message inviting him to a party from my friend Allister. We did not immediately accept because neither I, Patrick, or my friend Sebastian, were "good to drive".

When our third friend Terrence arrived, we asked him if he would like to attend the aforementioned party. Indeed, he did. And so we did. After a long drive with much ballyhooing and mucking about, We arrived.

We arrived to meet the company of many old mates. Nigel, Alexander, and Graham to name a few. After several games of "who's got the most British-sounding name?" and "Pint Pong", several young ne'erdowell's were in attendance. After seating myself in a wheelchair, I discovered how fun handicapability could really be. I was a man obsessed.

I wanted the wheelchair. And I wanted it Awfully. After asking my mate Terrence to be my accomplice in theft and being politely refused, I turned to other methods. I tried to beg Alexander to let me have it. He referred me to Nigel, because he was the one who liberated the wheelchair in the first place. Nigel, after many pints, assured me he would not mind if it was to disappear. I had found the grail.

After wheeling the wheel chair to a less populated area, I hid it behind a tree and behind a sign. Not driving on this night or intending to, my plan was to come back at daybreak to retrieve it. Shortly after this, I experienced memory loss.

At daybreak, I was filled with low-intensity regret. Instead of retrieving the aforementioned wheelchair, I instead intended to return it to it's original thieves. And so I did. After drinking 2 energy tinctures, I felt confident enough to face the day.

Screwy Reviewy: Can't Hardly Wait

2010-09-06T13:59:00.004-04:00

Pictured Above: The Hard Truth.

I just watched a movie called Can't Hardly Wait, and was surprised by a couple of things. One, how good it is, considering is came from 1998, which I lived through; and had the distinct impression nothing good happened. Second, it represented high school presented in a fairly unique and accurate way.

WARNING: SPOILING YOUR FUN ALERT. WATCH THE MOVIE FIRST, UNLESS YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT LIKE ME.

This movie is set at a party commemorating the end of high school, something I would never be involved with. One character, an italian redhead I'd like to have intercourse with, represents that attitude, initially not wanting to attend. When her friend asks her "what else are you doing tonight?" She has no answer, so she attends. Illustrates the point succinctly.

What's initially great about this movie is there's no hero I can identify. One, a character called "preston meyers", is who I'm supposed to be rooting for, I think. He babbles on about fate and indulges in other magical thinking, finding "signs" and indications he is fated to become an item with jennifer love huge-tits. The only thing I can really relate to is wanting to have sex with a brunette fox, which I want to do at any moment. Other than that he's fairly obnoxious.

But the movie gives equal time to so many other characters you can basically take your pick. Personally I identify with the fire-in-the-hole fox I mentioned, and seth greens character, who is the normal "wigger" character. Only because of his appreciation of black culture and desperate need to get laid; both major themes of my time in high school.

Since this is the last time many of these characters will see each other, the stakes are high. People are doing "what they always wanted to do", consciously or otherwise. And therein lies the drama and comedy.

It was refreshing to see the normal cinematic "high school dynamics" totally absent. By that I mean not everyone was jealous yet enamored by the "popular kids" in particular. There was very little "Us versus them" mentality. With the exception of one character, an x-files nerd. Which hilariously dates the movie, seeing as how nerds have now moved onto video games and energy drinks exclusively. He and his 2 friends have a plot to exact revenge on a jock(example of played out boring shit in movies) Yet when this character gets a couple of beers into his belly, he doesn't give a fuck about anything but being a total beast. Something I can also relate to.

So overall, I felt many characters easy to relate to, and their social interactions as a very accurate(though farcical) representation of high school social life. Seeing as how this movie came from the "deadball" era of comedy movies, and probably everything else, the late 90's, it gets extra points. This gets my rating of download it illegally and enjoy it.

James Lee was correct, but not too bright.

2010-09-03T20:47:00.003-04:00

The gunman that took 3 people hostage at the discovery networks headquarters on september 1st, interested me for 1 reason. He didn't commit the violent act for religious, personal, or otherwise "stupid as shit" reasons. The reasoning behind the act was environmental activism. I wouldn't consider myself an environmentalist first. To put it quickly: I support environmentalism when it's primary concern is the betterment of humanity. So did this man's views jive with me?

In a nutshell, kinda sorta. I'm annoyed with alot of the reaction to global warming; because I think they don't focus on the primary concern: People. Most of the popular media describing global warming and the ensuing environmental crisis is only focued on one thing: fuel and the resulting pollution.

There's 2 more aspects to global warming, to put it simply: Overpopulation, and human suffering. I was first annoyed by the non-mention of human suffering in popular media. If the sea levels are going to rise to levels that drown previously populated areas, like New Orleans and Sri lanka, shouldn't people in those areas be evacuated? If, right now, we can only slow global warming, but not prevent it, shouldn't we be more concerned about immediate effects?

This man, James Lee, completely missed, ignored, or wasn't concerned with that point. Instead he focused on overpopulation. And that is where he was correct, but bitter. There are too many people. This has been said before, notably in the 1970s, and yet earth supports more people now than any of those scientists thought it could. They weren't precisely correct about doomsday, but their conclusion(to curb population growth) is still a good idea for other reasons.

Even if cornucopianism is true, and we can just keep expanding and inventing, why? Things would be a hell of alot easier if population was simply reduced. Why struggle for technology and resource conservation when we could all turn to the simplest form of conservation: LESS PEOPLE ON THE PLANET.

I don't share this mans contempt or hatred for humanity. Every human currently alive should remain alive, and enjoy their life as much as possible. But why more people after the current ones?

Most "breeders" as they're referred to by lesbians and idiots, believe their real and/or hypothetical personality and/or parenting to be extraordinary. Yet. according to the most accurate estimates, There are 6,866,400,000 people on earth. Your ability to produce a super-child is estimated by how super YOU are divided by your breeding partner, so 1 in 3433200000(assuming you are super). Even if you are, and swear you know how to pick 'em, that's like rolling a 1 in 3433200000 die everytime you "hit it raw", you moron.

The only lasting reason to breed is your DNA. So your "family continues on". Really? Your own family 5 generations ago was genetically 1/32nd of you. If you breed and trust your offspring to breed for 5 more generations, they'll only be 1/32nd of you once again. You are a blip on the radar. Not only that, but you'll be fucking dead by then, so who cares? Your great-great-great-grandchildren will know as much about you as you know about your great-great-great grandfamily. What a legacy!

Overall, this dude and his act made me think. And that's Probably a bad thing.

Legalize Drugs, Conclusion

2010-08-18T21:51:00.003-04:00

Pictured Above: No shit.

Drugs. The word itself inspires A mix of imagery that is at the same time fun, dangerous, cool, evil, sad, and positive. I can feel the fast-rushing ambivalence in myself just thinking about it. I'd wager to guess that most people my age have the same lack of strong opinion about the entire issue of drugs.

When I say the entire issue, I mean the entire issue. Imagine I've just asked you how you feel about the "Issue of drugs". Your answers would come in all shapes, sizes and flavors, including but not limited to:

1- LEGALIZE THE LEAF BRO! It's like, just a plant! It would be like making iceberg lettuce illegal!

2- I think soft drugs are okay, but hard drugs are pure evil and should be illegal. Clearly, heroin and cocaine users deserve to be the victims of crime/dead/imprisoned because they didn't make the wise choice to be addicted to coffee and cigarettes like me.

3- Everyone in the U.S. Is over-medicated. What happened to like, eastern methods, ya know? Like watching "enter the dragon" on repeat until depression lifts?

4- Drugs are mad crucial. I'm on drugs right now. It's great, I feel all fuzzy inside and everything looks funny.

Not to belittle any opinion too much, these are all fine statements holding their own truth(does that sound post-modern? The doctors must have done a great job covering the lobotomy scars). However, opinions on "drugs" are all these things combined and then some.

Most people believe in medicine. That is, if someone is in physical pain it's certainly okay If they medicate to help manage it. What about emotional pain? Well, That too is seen as okay by most people. The line people draw in the sand is between using drugs to feel "normal" and using drugs to feel "damn good". But all drug use, among the sick and healthy, prescription, over-the-counter or illicit, is essentially the same thing: alteration of consciousness.

There are countless ways to alter consciousness, and not all of them are substances you can ingest. You can deprive yourself of sleep, sleep as much as possible, eat a whole lot, fast, meditate, watch stand-up comedy, listen to music really loud, do crossword puzzles, write, hyperventilate, hypoventilate, masturbate, fuck, use sensory deprivation, ride a rollercoaster, exercise moderately or excessively, self harm... the list goes on.

Which begs the question, what's the big deal when the way of altering your consciousness is a substance? Many substances you can use are more mild than these other methods. And even if they aren't, What's wrong with altering your consciousness, for recreation, and not just to cope?

Society holds onto the idea that the drug free, unafflicted individual is the ideal. If that's the case, everyone would be walking around acting like Penn Jillette and Henry Rollins. It's fine for some, but not for everyone. I suggest that if the majority population wasn't caffeinated, hungover and possibly dopesick during the day, and wasn't drunk, high, or possibly experimenting with psychedelics the rest of the time, the world would be a worse place to live in.

Pictured Above: A drug free world

It's well known and repeated that musicians, actors and other artists have an appetite for drug use and a predilection for drug abuse. What's less often said is there are tons of drugs users and abusers who are just regular people, and without the restrictions of the law; Joe-Six-Pack might be as common as Joe-bag-of-blow and Joe-eats-oxycontin-like-skittles. Since most drug users aren't trying to "just escape", but instead trying to improve their coping skills or find peace of mind, I think the effects would be a net positive.

It may sound a little too optimistic, but the status and popular opinion of all drugs is defined primarily by it's legal status, secondarily by myth, and finally by it's actual effects. When you look at the world of drugs as a whole, and I mean a real whole, prescription drugs and illegal ones all being equal, There are doubts about the legality and safety of each and every one. Each and every one.

The basic, uninformed argument is "There are certain illegal drugs that just don't do anyone any good". It's really not true. Many people have happy, positive experiences with hard drugs. If you don't believe it, read it from the horses mouth instead of watching "requiem for a dream" again. A demonized drug's addiction potential is partially physical, and partly because they're so damn good. However, if you think it's worthwhile to protect people from the possibility of addiction, nicotine, most anti-depressants, and caffeine should be outright illegal, right now.

My conclusion is that a relationship between a drug and it's user is such a subjective, personal thing with great variations. Some people are hopelessly addicted to cigarettes and suffer health consequences, and others try heroin and don't like it(really, read up) we can't make any absolute statements about any one drug. And if that's the case, They should all be legal. Each and every one of them.

That, or they should all be prescription. For recreational purposes as well as medical. But that would open a can of worms, dirt, and birds of prey we'd never get closed. Legalize drugs.

The feline community agrees.

Historians Fail Again

2010-08-17T13:40:00.003-04:00

So, If you're not Familiar with Ernest Shackleton and his antarctic exploration, Read Up. And If his life's work wasn't enough, He left a drinkable relic behind with his passing, 11 bottles of Charles Mackinlay & Co. Whisky, at the bottom of the damn world, over a century ago.

Upon discovery of the liquor, many questions about it arose. And they have now been answered here. And the answers are despicable. Observe:

Q: A century old? Is the liquor any good still? Is it better with age?

A: Well, liquor sitting in an airtight bottle is just the same as the day it was bottled. Only aging in barrels effects flavor. Since most of the bottles recovered are airtight, It is ostensibly the same exact liquor Shackleton chose to drink on his expedition. However, the original recipe for this Whisky has been lost. So This is all that's left of it.

Q: Isn't it frozen?

A: Though the crate was frozen solid when it was retrieved earlier this year, the whisky inside could be heard sloshing around in the bottles. -22 degrees fahrenheit is not enough to freeze the liquor. For reference, 84 proof liquor freezes at -30 degrees. The proof of this Whisky is unknown, so it may or may not have frozen in the last 120 years. The flavor likely hasn't been effected.

Q: Oh, great. So I can drink it, right?.

A: Well, you can't, because you don't deserve to. But can anyone drink it? Well, get this, "no". They plan to put a syringe through a cork of one of the bottles, So that modern scotch makers can attempt to replicate the liquor.

Q: That's stupid. why? Do they need ALL 11 BOTTLES preserved in a museum or something?

A: Actually, after a bunch of smug scientists oooh and aww at it, it will be RETURNED TO WHERE IT WAS LEFT.

Does this make any sense to anyone? There are 11 bottles to go around, the Liquor is still good to drink. The attempt to replicate the liquor is great and all, but we have some of the original that's still just waiting for us to drink it! The Liquor itself has no historical importance, besides being liquor that isn't made anymore that was the drink of choice for a great explorer. He brought it with him to drink it. What's the point of leaving it? Would there be any difference If we just filled the bottles back up with wild turkey, and split the original liquor between the modern relatives of shackletons team, The modern explorers who uncovered it, and the scotch maker who will try to replicate it? It would be a serene moment for all of them, and the shackletons Scotch Whisky tale would have a great ending.

INSTEAD, All they are doing is depriving those who most deserve to drink it, being smug about how well they're "preserving history", and practically saying "Come Steal the Whisky and drink it". You read right. Someone will steal it. I know because If I happened to be around the south pole in a helicopter and someone said "Hey, want to get loaded on 120 year old scotch?" I would say Yes, and I would take the rest home and get selfishly drunk on it myself. Because it's silly not to. Childish.

That said, though I'm appalled by their decision, they've opened the next chapter. and I can't wait for a few years from now when I read "Local independently wealthy canadian tipler steals and drinks historic hooch, exclaims 'I'm not sorry'".

The Case For Downloading

2010-08-16T07:44:00.003-04:00

I'm happy to have been born when I was. 1987. By the time I was in the early stages of puberty I could happily go on the internet and masturbate to real porno. Well it wasn't exactly happily, it was more nervously; half expecting my dad to interrupt at any moment to play DOOM. But that's besides the point. The point is that the internet changed the game right when I was becoming a sentient being.

Since then, there has been an ongoing clash of cultures. The clash is between the young modern, tech-savvy, sensible population, and money-grubbing, willfully ignorant old farts. The controversy started with music. mp3 downloading was happening for years in the early-mid 90's(I know because I did it) but it was not a big issue until CD burning became widespread. You know how things panned out there. Many sickeningly rich musicians campaigned to put an end to people enjoying their music in the form of free file transfers between private citizens. I was shocked to find out that the law actually came down on their side.

Of course, nothing changed. People who are inclined to download music and movies found more clever and efficient methods, and those who think intellectual property should come at an arbitrary price came up with silly halfway methods like selling downloads. This has continued to this day and the battlefield has turned into an embarrassing reconstruction period.

Here are the reasons why downloading music and movies free is superior:

1- It's fast, easy, and efficient. This should be obvious. You used to have to go to a play or see a musician to be entertained, now you can just dick around on the computer. There will still be those who want a hard copy of certain things, so they can buy one. But otherwise, the computer file is the smallest, most dynamic medium yet invented.

2- The artist does not suffer. This is a common myth to this day- "if you want to support this, go out and buy it, don't just download!". These people don't really understand how entertainers make money. Very little is made by actors, musicians, or filmmakers through selling actual copies of the work. The most money is made through
"the advance", advertising deals, residuals, shows(particularly in other countries), merchandise selling(pro-tip, never give up merchandising rights), finding pennies and nickles on the ground, asking to hold $10 and never giving it back, you name it. If you don't buy a CD, you are not depriving the artist of $14-18 dollars. You are depriving them of less than a dollar in the case of lesser-known artists, and a few dollars in the case of big names. Yes, it adds up, but it's not even close to primary income.

3- It levels the playing field. Particularly for music. Imagine the days before the internet. How did you find out about "underground" music? If you're my age, you probably don't even know. I imagine word of mouth, going to shows, and reading music magazines. So once you have the name and description of an artist you think you'll like, you buy a copy of his music, or if you're lucky, dub it from a friend. Then it's just a gamble If you'll like it. Through youtube and free downloads, the deepest of underground musicians has a chance. Buying an LP is a big deal, a gamble. Typing something in the youtube search bar? That ain't shit.

4- It sticks it to the man. A few unsigned emcees and plenty of punk/metal groups have just stayed DIY and produced and manufactured their own stuff, receiving ALL the profit. The internet is a new medium that's beyond even that. You don't even have to cover the cost of the CD-R to put something up on the internet. Trent Reznor, when his record company obligations were over, just released his new shit for free online. Of course, he was already rich by that point, but it's still cool. Of course most musicians want to make enough money through music alone, and they still can by selling hard copies, merchandise and playing shows. But music online is an absolutely FREE medium, and shows a lot of love for the fans.

5- Puts an end to some profiteering. I always bought used CDs if I could, because they were cheaper and worked just the same. And you know what? the artist didn't make a dime off of that. Only the record store did. Same thing with used DVDs. Between paying some chump a few bucks just to transfer a DVD from an owners hands to yours, and downloading that shit because it's 2010, which would you choose?

There are countless other reasons you might be thinking of right now, but the basic point is that those who fight the powers of the internet and file sharing are dragging their feet into the future. Whether not my reasons are good, it's a moot point- File sharing will continue anyway. Find a way to survive in the modern age.

King Cobe's True Stories: Medical Trials

2010-08-09T12:50:00.003-04:00

I had recently quit my job because I didn't like it. It was about a year after high school and I had worked in landscaping of some sort(really any outdoor work) for about 3 years. I quit apropos of nothing, I just didn't want to do that for one more day.

Of course I had no better idea for a job that suits me, if I had I might have already tried to get it. Instead I was interested in other ways to make money that were not regular employment. The most interesting one, that required no practice or qualifications, was guinae pigging.

I checked the papers for medical trials, and most of them of course read something like "HAVE YOU TAKEN CRACK COCAINE? ARE YOU A HABITUAL CRACK-COCAINE SMOKER?". I hadn't used any recreational drugs except no-doz pills(while playing cards, a fairly unpleasant experience), but it occured to me that I could act as a control in whatever research they were doing.

Assuming drugs would be involved, I also assumed that they would be likely equal in side-effect potential to the illicit drug that was the subject of the study. So I opted for the alcohol one.

I left a message on the automated number they gave, explaining that I haven't had one drop of ethanol and don't use any illegal drugs, so I could be a control. To my surprise, They said they'd pay me just to be evaluated, which would include a urine sample, a physical and a psychological evaluation. The pay wasn't much, about enough to cover the expense of traveling to and from the place, with the promise of quite alot of money(If I remember right it was about $1000) if I was accepted and completed the trial.

Not having a car, I rode my bike to the light-rail station, rode that to lexington market, and walked about 2 blocks to the only existing subway line in baltimore. I took the subway to johns hopkins hospital, and checked in.

The urine sample and physical were understandable and what I expected. The psychological evaluation caught me off guard. At first it was about how much I drank and when, to which I answered nothing and never. After that it was a written test that seemed pretty standard, probing into whether I was obviously depressed or divergent from normal psychology in any obvious way.

I thought that was it, but instead; the female doctor returned and said she had "some questions" for me. She then pulled an enormous packet of paper out, one of those big cocksuckers you'd have to use a mega-stapler to bind. I said ok.

I had the impression my experience was unusual right away. All the questions involved anti-social behavior, in particular regarding the law. My guess is the first test tipped them off to some personality "disorder" I may or may not have.

Any way you may violate a person or property, there was a question about it. "Have you ever set something on fire?", "Have you ever stolen from someone's house?", and they all had follow up questions. For the fire question, it was something like "A. for fun, B. to destroy it, or C. because you were pressured". I was beginning to feel uneasy, especially because the book was nowhere near done, and I don't like thinking about destruction and harm. The funny thing is, I had done most of them.

The questions of course grew in intensity. The female doctor even let me know at some point that she is not the police. "Have you ever forced intercourse on someone?" for example. A crop of questions like that, I was feeling like shit even having to remember that I hadn't done anything that terrible. Alot of these later questions asked if family members had done them. The only one of those that had a follow up is "Have any of your family members been arrested". My answer is yes. "More than once?" Yes. "Were they convicted?" No. They didn't ask the crime, which I thought was stupid. As if simply being arrested implies antisocial tendencies.

My uncle was arrested in Ohio, while hitchiking, with no I.D., $10 in his pocket, and no fixed address. The charge was "Vagrancy". Land of the free, right? He asked the arresting officer if being poor was a crime. This was of course when he was arrested. But my answer of "Yes" to the question implied that a family member has harmed other people, and that I could too, because nature trumps nurture in a hospital after all.

After all this, abruptly, it was over. Any introspective activity or therapy couldn't have left me in as much of a funk. For the first time in my life, I wanted a drink. I just felt malaise and uneasiness. Having to tell a stranger that I've stolen from a friends house, broken stuff for fun, beaten people up and been beaten up. I answered honestly because this is science, and I shouldn't mess with it. She said she'd "let me know" If I was accepted in a couple of week.

That was it. I left, ashamed of some of the things I've done in my life, but of course relieved I hadn't harshly "victimized" anyone. I was also a little less trusting of psychology. The test, though enough to make me upset, had very little depth. The follow up questions are a good idea, but couldn't do as good as an explanation. The "has a family member been arrested" question being a shining example. Whatever conclusions she could draw from my evaluation had to be a bit off. Also I could have just lied the whole time.

I was accepted, but by then didn't want to do it. It involved taking some drug(or maybe a placebo). I remember "meth" being in the name, but that could be anything from adderal to MDMA to poison. I probably could have done it, but my evaluation left a bad taste in my mouth.

This story is so memorable because I was blindsided by my first encounter with modern psychology. And I wasn't happy with that I experienced. Coupled with the fact that the questions dug up all the "bad shit" that had ever happened in my life, I feel like my personality was markedly different afterwards. Ultimately for the better, I think.

Before the test I was a bit more of a romantic optimist and thought I might be a genius or something. Afterwards I felt like every other piece of shit, and that I had to work really hard at my ambitions to achieve them. A lot more self-critical. That's the story!

Screwy Reviewy: DXM

2010-05-17T21:25:00.004-04:00

Piuctured Above: Medicine/Goofballs

I drink alcohol regularly, but I seem to be afflicted with a cold, or might be suffering through allergies. In any case, I considered it would be best to lay off the hooch, and what else is available for a psychonaut/manic-depressive/poor white shizoid such as myself?

Cannabis? don't much care for it.
Nicotine? A bit mild for the amount of "strange" i want to feel.
Caffeine... it's like a has-been actor desperately trying to make a comeback; there's something pathetic about the energy drink market.

mushrooms/amphetamines- can't get any right now.

And then it occurred to me, some of the wierdest people I've known have regularly abused the over-the-counter disasosiative "dextromethorphan hydrobromide", more often known as DXM; and "robo-tripped", for cheap thrills I assume.

I went to the closest place I could think of, because I was amped up to do it. That happened to me "compare foods", chain grocery store that, at least right here, caters to the hispanic community. I was a little dissapointed when the only syrup(I like drinking, so I opted for syrup instead of pills) that contained DXM without other drugs was intended for children. So It has about half the drug content and twice the sugar/thickeners/shoelaces content. But I thought "It'll have to do".

When I calculated the dosage, the bottle only contained 177mg DXM, which robo-trippers don't call a "trip" at all. At this level, All I had to look forward to is a "mild stoning effect". The night was already set in motion, so I took it like alcohol shots chased with water. It wasn't hard for me to drink, which reinforces my theory that my stomach works similar to a cement mixer.

It took a long time to take effect. I even just gave up on the idea and started reading a bunch of shit, not paying attention. The first effect was feeling like I had used cannabis, and my least favorite effect- being unable to read without re-reading a sentence 3 times. Also, I was listening to music hoping it would sound different; and not only did it sound the same as when I was sober, I actually grew quite opposed to hearing any music. Then I made the fateful decision to do some laundy.

When I stood up and walked, everything took a really long time. I was uncoordinated, like I was drunk, but I could fix it, as long as I concentrated on moving. My head felt very light and my vision razor sharp. I can only compare the effects to previously used drugs; it felt like mild cannabis, mild alcohol and mild adderal use all at once. But my brain was moving well ahead of my body, which made me a big giddy. It's like the first symptom of dissasociation, so I was excited at the novelty, thought the effect wasn't very strong.

Going to the laundry room, which is outdoors like a shed, it occured to me just how slow and deliberately I was moving, esspecially compared the my thoughts racing. I kept doing things in the wrong order- I had 2 loads of laundry, one had been washed and needed to be dried, but I instead poured the soap in the cup first and almost poured it into the washed load. I had to concentrate very hard to do everything right. This continued inside, when I went to get water without a glass.

Then I devised a sort of "litmus test" to decide how fucked up I might be. Since I was moving slow, I "ran" from one point in my living room to another. My gait was so hilarious that I laughed out loud. Not only was it almost slower than walking, but it was exxagerated, like a cartoon of someone running, fists balled up and pumping. I kept doing this test and noticed For a distance I thought 2 steps, I took 3. This happened each and everytime. I kept doing it because it was funny to me.

Getting up to take a whiz, which I've had to do often, even my urination is slow. There's a physiological reason for that, but also I'm experiencing time passing by really slowly, similar to mushrooms.

So that's where I am now. This is written under the influence, not after the fact. This is a fairly low dose, but I feel very, very wierd. And that's kind of nice for a short period. I'm glad I didn't take more, because my final conclusion is that dissassociatives are crazy-ass drugs. A dissassociative "trip" sounds like a horrible idea. I feel much less surprised now that people freak out on high doses of PCP like they do.

But if you want to feel wierd in a unique way, I reccomend a low dose of DXM. Ketamine is apparently physically safer, but I'd rather abuse over-the-counter-medication than have people associate me with raving.

P.S. people famously make spelling errors on DXM, so they are left intact in this piece.

P.P.S. I still have a cough

For the love of rap

2010-05-01T04:31:00.005-04:00

I didn't always like rap. Until I was about 12, I hated it. I hated it because it seemed to celebrate the really bad parts of humanity. There are songs about robbery, Songs about abusing drugs, songs about taking advantage of women for fuck's sake. I still can't stomach some of the darker songs, but I started to understand the purpose.

Anyone who makes music of any kind is a flawed individual. Whenever there's a "controversy" about a musicians exploits in real life, You shouldn't be surprised and shouldn't fuel the fire. Joe american at 1234 Main street doesn't make music, or shouldn't; because responsibility and moderation isn't interesting.

Despite that, all other form of music, with the exception of just a few artists, Only hints at the artists flaws, only expresses the emotions stemming from their exploits. Rapping is the first time when I heard someone describe the whole picture. Rappers love to be "real". If you spent recreational time with a rapper of quality ilk, You couldn't be surprised by anything they indulged in, because they already told you about it in their songs.

And that's what I've come to love. Whereas other lyricists write vaguely about something that's probably about their heroin addiction but could apply to your break up with your girlfriend, A good emcee doesn't filter himself to make it easier for you to relate to him. Alot of it seems to be written to be above and beyond what you can relate to, to the point when you think "this dude is wild". As a writer or musician, what can be better? There are no limits. There is no filter.

Emceeing is just expressing who you are, what you do and how you feel as honestly as possible. It's music and it's a confessional. And I like how the beats sound.

Confirmed Pacifist

2010-04-22T19:32:00.003-04:00

Pacifism has permeated American culture in many fairly bizarre ways. The most notable of which is among people who declare themselves outright pacifists. Most typically, these are women, which is a really faint delclaration seeing as how they are very rarely called upon to fight, militarily or otherise. By "otherwise" I mean fist-fight. If I'm physically attacked in public, The first question anyone will ask in response is "Did/Why didn't you hit them back". Whereas a female will only be told "I'm glad you weren't seriously hurt!".

When declared by a male, even in the theme of this post, I question whether he's just trying to be unusual in his opinions for whatever reason, or if he's only considered the issue of combat in it's simplest and most innofenstive of definitions(example: Does violence make you upset?). Males however are more likely to have amalgamated some "I'm a pacifist...unless..." position in the form of "I don't throw the first punch, but if someone else does, I'm going to fight and win!". This is the most ridiculous declaration I've heard, and the one I've heard most often. It's like elevating the "eye for an eye" ethos(already counter-indicative of pacifism) to "ideology for an ideology". All this form of non-violence, if it can be called so, indicates is that the proponent won't use violence on non-violent people. That's great and all, for women and me, but doesn't mean anything in an already violent world except you're willing to put yourself at a disadvantage by accepting the first blow/offensive(which can sometimes be the only one).

And finally, there's the confirmed pacifist. Someone who doesn't think violence works pragmatically, or ethically. This is still split in 3, with my position being "doesn't work pragmatically" exclusively. No one responds to violence against them or their culture by deciding "Damn, we really learned our lesson. Ever since those hateful men hurt me/destroyed everything I love, I've decided they're right". They get angry and exact revenge, become depressed, or fight against the agressors in non-violent ways. Fighting against the agressors in non-violent ways is the most respectable and sensible option. Because in the first step you agree that what they did is wrong, and you can't simply retaliate with violence which would be equally wrong. In the second step you decide what they did cannot go ignored, because it's wrong. And in the third step you are attempting to defeat them by methods they didn't think could work themselves. No opressor has ever staged a sit-in or bloc to get their way.

I don't think that those who use violence are evil or wrong. They're emotional and unreasonable, and I was the same way, when I was a child. Anyone who can hold onto those "ideals", if they can be called so, into adulthood can not be considered rationally or ethically(if you're into that sort of thing) sound. I'm a pacifist. Not because Violence makes me cry, not because violence is preached against by my religion, but because violence doesn't work, and never has.

What's in a name?

2010-04-22T18:53:00.002-04:00

One of the more irritating and slightly sad things white people do it speculate about their heritage or ancestry. I say, speculate, because that's exactly what it is. Here's why:

My government last name is Volz. It's pronounced as "VolTz" and because of that, you may have guessed it's german because of pronounciation. Volz:Voltz::Nazi:Natzi. Roughly translated it means "Folk", meaning, ya know, "people". Even if translations were 100% accurate, that wouldn't imply much of anything about my ancestry, even if it could imply something about it, which it can't.

ONE- names in the united states, by tradition but not by law, are passed from the father. So my name has been passed, for whatever reason(no reason at all) because a bunch of dudes with the last name "volz" managed to breed. How "german" I am has nothing to do with my name except "someone was german, sometime.". Observe:

German dude breeds with sweedish chick- children 50% german
Male child(50% German) breeds with Irish chick- Children 25% German
Male Child(25% German) breeds with American chick(like, plymouth rock style)- children 12.5% German with 12.5% margin of error)
Male child breeds with "who cares?" chick(true in the first line)- children barely german, dispite namesake.

TWO- In addition to/despite namesake, some use family histories to make definite statements about ancestry. Family histories are just like real history, except worse. Unless you are from a very famous, literate, and proud family, The only account of your family history is written by the family itself. One, biased account. Would you agree with an account of history with only one author, who was involved in it? If so, You'd belive elvis never did drugs and Hitler was half jewish.

No one writes a family history with the intention of making the family sound bad, so any positive statements you could find in it are speculative.

THREE- Place of origin does not speak to character. If I was to use my own origins(speculative, as mentioned above), All I could tell was where my blood relatives were from and when they moved. Using that, you can't tell anything. German immigrants moving to america in the last 200 years? The reasons are as vast as: religious persecution, curiosity, thinking america was a great place, escaping justice in germany, avoiding serving in a war, boredom, Thinking germany is a little too cold for their liking, Hearing the roads were paved with gold in america, Being mentally ill, feeling like it, Seeking to profit from ignorant people, and seeking to liberate ignorant people. You really can't tell.

FOUR- Ethnicity denotes nothing. So even if you've calculated the fraction of your primary(usually plurality, not majority) Ethnic history, And you're 100% sure it was from the most noble/respectable parts of that forgotten and irrelevant society, That really doesn't effect how you act and who you are. Genetics has no memory, accept the memory encouraged by modern society.

If it did, it would mean because your ancestors were smart and courageous people, That you're smart and courageous by default. But on the other side of the coin, it would mean those whose ancestors were ignorant and cowardly, would be ignorant and cowardly be default. The idea is clearly racist and bigoted. A logical person can't see it one-sided; As in the case of "Those with good ancestry are good, and those with bad ancestry can rise above anyhow" If the positivity you feel with your ancestry or family history is legitamite, then racialism is true. If you don't think it's true(and you ought not), Then your family history doesn't mean jack shit.

I am an american.

Legalize drugs, part 3

2010-03-10T17:53:00.008-05:00

The problem with the "Just say no" zero tolerance approach to drug use is that it's the worst of both worlds. It causes some people to fear drugs that could improve their quality of life, and causes those who use drugs to be misinformed about them. The stigmatizing of drug users in turn makes them more likely to use irresponsibly- because they've been told that's the only possibility. Overall, fear is never as good of an approach as humor. For example:

p.s. concept and images with help from Mr. Rice Powers

Legalize drugs, part 2

2010-02-25T18:16:00.002-05:00

Began here.

These men both surprised me with their brusque and totally accurate opinions about the elephant in the room; Drugs. It's the elephant in the room, because drugs have been used by people since they were the woolly mammoth in the room. Yet since at least the middle ages there have been efforts to ban some or all drugs. Which begs the question, what would the world be like if drugs were legalized?

Firstly, people would still abuse drugs. People would still rob each other for drugs or drug money, badly produced drugs would still kill people. One of the worst arguments that exists for drug legalization(usually given by cannabis-advocates) is that once you take the criminal or forbidden element out of the drug culture, all of criminality and abuse would disappear. Criminality and abuse are part of humanity with or without drugs; the difference after legalization being that only the criminals and abusers would be punished, not the casual user.

And for that casual user, there would be a period shortly after legalization in which some would expand their horizons. I use my favorite drug every day because it's the best one I've tried that I have easy access to. But on the few occasions I've been able to try a drug that is illegal for me, I think "I would use this alot more, if I could get it". That's why I think you'd see a shift in what are the most commonly and least commonly used drugs; and I think for the better.

Legalization means there could and would be locally produced drugs. With the advent of legalization, companies could market and distribute their own(as they currently do with prescription drugs, tobacco and alcohol). Regardless, once you allow every Tom, Dick and Harry to produce his own drugs, He will. Because Tom's good with horticulture, Dick's good with chemistry and Harry wants to make some money. Do-It-Yourself is already part of drug culture, and it would only bloom and blossom after legalization for obvious reason.

Writers, usually being pretty on-the-ball historically, have come out as advocates of sobriety, legal drugs, quasi-legal and illegal drugs; or at the very least expressed which of these things have worked for them. Though many other entertainers and public figures might not initially want to air out their dirty laundry in public, over time, they would. In addition, unless you think drug use is completely removed from the creative process(a pretty novel idea), It can be assumed that some no-names or no-creates will discover their muse drug(s) once they have easier access to it. I personally would welcome whatever happened in this realm, just for curiosities sake.

...to be continued.

Legalize drugs, part 1

2010-02-23T12:59:00.003-05:00

"I'm a pill popper. How you feel is just chemistry. I'm addicted to weed, but I pop different kinds of pills depending on what I have to do"
-some dude I work with

This man's assertion that "how you feel is just chemistry" is totally correct. You can get more alien feelings by running a marathon or depriving yourself of sleep than you can by using most drugs. So why the bias against something that more directly alters feelings? All drugs do is provide a direct route to however you would like to feel without all the lifestyle changes and hemming and hawing. In addition, this mans admission of "I'm a pill-popper" is like nothing I'd heard before. Who admits to being a pill-popper? Someone who recognizes the physical reality of drugs and holds no preconceptions about form. Currently, the preconceptions are:

Drugs you can drink: something that's socially acceptable to use occasionally, as a celebration or another extreme.

Drugs you can smoke: Something you will have to use every day for maintenance and is addicting, though can be used functionally.

Drugs you shoot: you're a junkie and useless.

Drugs in pill form: Should only be taken when taken Ill or possessing tangible personality disorders. Taking for fun is a "slippery slope".

Though the absorption is different for these different methods, they're all drugs, and they all do the same thing- whatever the user is desiring.

"He got fucked up, there was nothing wrong with him. This is america and you should be able to get as fucked up as you want. We should legalize everything. It would cause total chaos, but we should still do it".
-some dude I work with.

This man presents an interesting point- even if you agree drugs are destructive, that doesn't by extension mean they should be illegal. If you consider consequences in regard to ethical decisions you are engaging in realpolitik- which is for twelve-steppers and sadists, exclusively. It's not about 'what would happen' if we did something, but 'what is right'.

The speaker expresses too a seemingly perverted but actually legit patriotism in his statement; The united states is interested in freedom primarily. So as long as it doesn't interfere with basic human rights and dignity, everything ought to be allowed. Because absolutely all drugs can be used responsibly(there is still no drug that makes you attack and harm people as a certainty), they ought to be legal.

As far as the "caus[ing] total chaos"; Not only should that not matter to an american who is more interested in liberty than safety, it's a temporary condition. Drugs are not poison necessarily, and not all drugs are equal. If they've been marketed and used for a long while, they are legitimate. It's like capitalism; competition. There's a reason the most common drugs in the world are caffeine, alcohol and nicotine, and why no one is taking low doses of arsenic to get fucked up. If and when all drugs are legalized, the most useful and effective drugs would be used by more people and the least useful and least effective drugs would be used by fewer people.

It would/will be a slow process of selection.

when positive thinking goes wrong

2010-02-17T20:51:00.002-05:00

1- Self esteem

The "self esteem movement" started in the late 70's. Born out of assumptions and the likely self-esteem of those who propagated it; it's main tenet is that a positive view of oneself is an important thing to have. My objection to this is simple- If you tell me that you feel good about yourself, it begs the question "Why do you feel good about yourself?". And if you have a good reason, then you ought to just find satisfaction in that reason. Self-esteem is, however, a more limited concept. It need not involve reason at all- just delusion.

What the critics say: "self-esteem: an erroneous appeasement." -Ambrose Bierce.

What I say: Self-awareness is the new self esteem.

2- Optimism

Optimism can be considered seeing the best in things. In people, in circumstance, in events. The problem is, any technical knowledge or intellectualizing immediately murders optimism. In answering the classic question "Is the glass half empty or half full?", more varied answers could be:

-Both.

-It's half full, but could be twice that full.

-It's half empty, but looks tasty!

-Half empty or half full or what? If you mean of fluid, Then I'd have to measure- it's hard to tell with the naked eye. It's very unlikely that it's a half[empty or full] anyhow, it's probably a little off from that mark, depending of course on how you prepared the demonstration.

-I can't be sure, but don't leave it unattended. That's how date rape happens.

-Is there booze in there?

Not to totally mock the idea; these varied answers can also be applied to personal life choices and world events. Optimism is just too simple to be useful.

3- Narcissism

The simplest incarnation is "thinking you're better or more unique than others". I, like all great men, have felt that way about myself before. My beef with narcissism is when that state of mind fails to lead to anything of value; which is true of most narcissists. Feeling that you are better than others, if it leads to you achieving more than others, is righteous. Feeling that you are better than others, if it leads to laying in the cut reminding yourself that you are better than others, is lame.

In the more advanced stages, magical thinking enters the picture to fill in the obvious gaps in logic. When magical thinking enters the picture, you should leave it.

...

Despite all this, I think positively. But in a more realistic and subtle way. I don't pretend that I'm great, my life is great, or that I'm destined for greatness; only by the merit of my existence. Rather, I think positively because it's more likely to get favorable results than thinking negatively.

It's chiefly the most pragmatic approach, and secondarily, a more pleasant way to live.

Just like riding a bike

2010-02-10T23:08:00.003-05:00

Your body and brain alike are a machine, and they have each been redesigned and redeveloped over 5,300 generations to build the best machine for optimal performance right now, if you're alive to read this.

Everyone is able to excel at something. This is not [only] a feel good inspirational message, it is a fact of evolution and circumstance. If an animal fails in enough capacities, it won't survive.

You are given certain abilities by default. Others you learn out of need or curiosity. Most remarkably, you don't forget. No matter the depth or non-intensity of inactivity or laziness since using a skill, you can do it again as if perfect records have been kept.

Fucking, Fighting, Writing, Caring, Thinking, any activity at all... If you've learned it, you'll always know how to do it, just like riding a bike.

Nature is a big mean son of a bitch

2010-02-10T21:57:00.003-05:00

Something that irritates me every snow and storm season is the criticism of whatever methods are in place to help temper blizzards and hurricanes. These things are legally considered "acts of god". Even the atheists wouldn't bother taking "god" out of that one. It's a thing no one has real control over. It would be like holding Haitian emergency services accountable because they didn't do enough to stop the tectonic plates from shifting in the earthquake.

If the roads aren't plowed enough for you to enjoy a "few beers" at the bar like usual, then you have to drink at home. If the hurricane has flooded your home, then you have no home. During and after extreme weather events, things can't just go on like they always did. And in cases of true tragedy, there's no one to blame but god if you believe in him.

All we can do is brace ourselves before the storm, and try to fix shit afterward. This applies to more than just weather. Before cold and flu season, you can take vitamins, get immunized if possible, whatever. But if you get sick you get sick. There's a storm, or there isn't. Your sinuses, like the roadways, can't be clear every moment. And just like you could unexpectedly careen off the highway and die on a slippery road, you could just get iced by the common cold one year.

Nature should bring humility to you. Rather, it should humiliate you. Anyone whose upset that the snow prevents them from going where they'd like to has never actually considered the possibility of premature death from sickness or weather. A moment, while in the midst of extreme weather or sickness, it occurs to them "nature doesn't give a flying fuck about me!". We're all lucky the casualties aren't higher than they are. IF you're so anxious to get to your job at kinkos, plow the roads yourself.

Chuck D for president.

2010-02-01T19:25:00.002-05:00

Earlier today, I posted a song to my facebook. It was "Harder than you think" by Public Enemy. A friend of mine; an educated american man with no shortage of political opinion, posted in response "Chuck D for president".

At first glance, you might think that this is the run-of-the-mill "-insert some silly thing- for president" proclamation thats only meant to express vague dissatisfaction and a sense of humor. That might be the case, if it wasn't totally possible.

My dad used to sometimes refer to Frank Zappa's consideration of running for presidency in order to reinforce that fact. It's important to remember. The president doesn't have to have been a politician previously. That's why many entertainers, already being in the public eye, seized that opportunity, like this guy, this guy, and this guy.

Which is what irritates me about those who celebrate Barack Obamas presidency as a major shift in american politics. This guy isn't a revolutionary. He's He's not even a free thinker, compared to Frank Zappa or Chuck D. He's rather drab; more similar to this guy, or especially this guy. Whatever the implications of that are, it's certainly not that a new era of change and hope has commenced.

Though americans are slowly realizing that's the case, they haven't taken it to it's logical conclusion: that a politician is a politician no matter how he looks or how charismatic he may be, and further; we don't have to elect a politician. Imagine how things would be if Chuck D were elected president instead of Barrack Obama. Would our circumstances be worse than they are now? Not only that... isn't it possible they'd be better?

The acceptance speech always sets the tone for the entire presidency. So compare this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wnA7OVIgLkE

To this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pCx5Std7mCo

I'd pick the latter. Believe me, I was there.

Tattoos: Not that cool

2010-01-25T05:41:00.012-05:00

Though it is possible for a decent human being to get a sharp looking tattoo, or tattoos, and move on to bigger and better things; there's more often some kind of obnoxious subtext in the whole act. Here is a definitive and complete list of tattoos, the people who have them, and the people in their lives.

A- The extremely visible, totally bad-ass, impossible to cover up unique design

This person is clearly trying to differentiate herself. Imagine her without her tattoo. She'd look like the average brunette, probably giving you the eye in a bar, who you could take home and have very average sex with. What she doesn't realize is that tattoos are so mainstream, that now she just looks like the average brunette with a neck tattoo. Call me simple, but all I think when I see a unique tattoo is "unique tattoo", then I move on...

B- some tiny tattoo(s) of a heart, chinese lettering, a star, a butterfly, or something equally "cute" on the neck, back, small of back, belly button or ankle

Worn by men and women alike nowadays, having tattoos like these is similar to wearing earrings or coloring/styling your hair. It's decoration. There's nothing wrong with that. There is however, something wrong with thinking you're doing something outside the box, which unfortunately, many just-turned-18-year-olds think. "Mom and dad think I'll regret it, but I know I want a pistol on my left titty till the day I die!". Totally fine if you do, but no one cares.

C- really intense and ornate back/chest pieces

"Oh, sweet bro! What's that, like a goblin, or a dragon or some shit? and a staff and like an epic warrior horse?" Not that all of them have to look like this. It could be a back piece of all shit that I like, but I have the same questions. "how long did that take? didn't you have something better to do?", "How much did that cost? Didn't you have something else you could spend it on?", "How much did that hurt? Wouldn't you rather have been jerking off or something?". The answers to these questions are 'A long time, no; A lot of money, no; a shit ton, no, I prefer pain" respectively. It's a matter of priorities- people who have these are typically some combination of masochist, spend thrift, and image obsessed. None of which I can appreciate(except maybe masochist).

D- solid black letters, expressing an inspirational or nihilistic message in some language the subject doesn't speak, or stylized english letters.

In latin this means "Blow me". This is my favorite kind of tattoo, and the only one I've even considered getting myself, but there's tons of ways it can go wrong. Firstly, if you're working in another language, or you're illiterate in your own, make sure it's correct...

Second, make sure it's a phrase or thought that's worth a damn...

Yuck. And third, put it somewhere where it can be hidden(if it's in english). Why? Not out of shame or guilt or anything, but just common sense. Don't air out your dirty laundry in public, even if you think it smells like candy apples. I'd love to have "Get drunk Stay drunk" tattooed across my adam's apple, but I know it would arouse suspicion when I'm drunk in the public. Just the same, If you walk around with this...

It may arouse suspicion that you're a complete moron.

So, It's not an accomplishment, it doesn't add to your worth, it's just a hundreds-of-dollars pretty picture on your skin. There's nothing wrong with that, if you're trying to treat yourself to something nice; it has more permanence than almost anything else. But I don't have a tattoo for the same reason I don't roll on chrome rims or bathe regularly- it does nothing for my actual quality of life. Consider the same, unlike this guy.

He loved drinking

2010-01-21T07:17:00.002-05:00

Why do I love drinking? And why do I do it alone?

The first few drinks is like turning the page. The best time to have them is directly after work, or on a miserable morning. The first very welcome effect is stress relief. At my 3rd drink, I can't even remember where I was feeling aches and pains, and the weight of the world is just gone. This is worth it for it's own sake, but I typically begin trying to work on some creative pursuit.

Does alcohol fuel the creative proccess? You can find tons of talented and untalented people opining on that question, but my answer is "for the working man, yes". After a day of mindless toil, The creative parts of my brain are just not working. I'm irritated, tired, and a little angry. You can't have new and interesting thoughts in that condition. A few drinks puts me in an optimistic condition, which might be all I need.

Ah, but it's not all I need. As I begin getting down to business, the workday and larger worries and troubles creep in. Sometimes they invade my work, or they just cause me to freeze. I certainly can't have that. At this point, I'm at a crossroads between "well, just do the best job you can and if it's not that good, just admit you don't have what it takes right now" or "I'm getting drunk". I pick the latter 90% of the time.

As I drink more(much more), several things could happen. I could fall asleep very early. But dreamless sleep really isn't much of a "consequence" seeing as how some people can't even get to sleep. I could still not do a very good job or call it quits, but at least I'll be really drunk instead of being disappointed in myself. Or, and this is what makes it all worthwhile; I could do a great job, and be really drunk.

It's happened several times. Now did I do a good job because I was drunk? Well, there's no telling. But in my case, the work is different. When I work with all my mental faculties, I'm spiteful, angry, and funny because of that. When I work on something drunk, it's clever, optimistic and good because of that. The work is good because I did it in a condition of feeling ZERO STRESS and maximum joy. That's right, it's not too much of a stretch to suggest work is of a higher quality if it comes out of that mental condition.

So that's why.

No Noble Lie

2010-01-15T21:52:00.003-05:00

Honesty is goddamn important. I haven't always said that outright; more often I said something vague about the subject. The 'something vague' I had to say about the subject, like the 'something vague' anyone has to say about the subject, goes exactly like:

"Well honesty is the policy. You know, cause it's real. You'll always get caught lying. The only time it's ok to lie is to make someone feel better or to save someones life, like the noble lie, ya' know? that shits deep, Who said that "noble lie" shit anyhow? Neiyeetchsxzyee?".

Thats only the most shallow understanding of "honesty". Not that I'm any more qualified to discuss this than the imaginary person who authored the above quote(who was really me, trying to be clever and perceptive but actually being passive-agressive).

Honesty is more than telling the truth; It's living truthfully. Between people putting on a front of what they wish they were, stealing when they can get away with it, and lying to stop something from happening that might make them upset; the only honesty most people practice is the kind that doesn't mean a thing.

Honesty isn't alot of fun in the short run. It puts you in more awkward situations than the Sum of all 70s, 80s, and 90s coming-of-age sitcom scenes you've seen could, even if you were the main character. The pay off is that living honestly results in real level of comfort; the comfort that no one can call you on your bullshit, because there's no bullshit to be called on.

Moreover, a person can self-deceive(lie) themselves into a sense of entitlement; which is the least useful or appreciable thing a person can have. If one takes an honest inventory of themselves, they're more likely to be humbled than self-fulfilled. Being honest is thereby an agent of progress, or at least self-criticism; which is more useful than rationalization and oblivion every time.

stream of "

2010-01-11T01:06:00.001-05:00

2010-01-11T01:05:00.000-05:00

In solidarity with Yakutsk

2010-01-05T10:11:00.010-05:00

It's cold. The coldest it's been here in North Carolina(the shallow south) since the 70s, there's freeze warnings in Florida, and the mid-atlantic has seen some negative temperatures. That's not interesting really, but what it does to people and institutions is.

Extreme weather of any sort is distracting and mind erasing. Lewis black put it better, at about 1 minute in:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4zpgai0n0cI

"FUCK IT'S COLD!" indeed. Now you're probably raising your hand to say "Well, this would feel warm to someone in Russia!". Of course. In a place where

this fucking monster racoon thing, and

this baby apex predator(yes, that's just a cub), and

some kind of a roided-out horse call home, the standards of "extreme" cold, or "extreme" anything, for that matter, are a little different.

For example. Take a good long look at this:

As an American, this probably helped you ring in the new year, gave you a few cute anecdotes the day after, and helped you Fingerbang Suzy Creamcheese for the first time several years ago. For a russian, this is the only way to get piece of mind when the day will get as warm as NEGATIVE THIRTY-THREE DEGREES FAHREN FUCKING HEIT.

Drinking increases the feeling of warmth. Now I know you think you're a genius for responding with "it doesn't actually make you warmer!"... while this is completely true, it really doesn't matter to a person who can't even focus on anything except how cold it is. So long as they're not actually at much risk of freezing to death- it's 30-50ml, again and again, to freedom.

Who could maintain objective reality when the objective reality is threatening to freeze your flesh off and turn you into brown bear food? Who would dare tell a Russian citizen that he ought to lay off the vodka or moderate his consumption when it will mean all he can think is "FUCK IT'S COLD!" for months on end? The Russian government, that's who.

Last year, Russian president Dmitry Medvedev called Russia's alcohol problem a "national disgrace" and said he was determined to cut consumption by a quarter by 2012. This started this year by setting a minimum price of a half liter of vodka. Nothing like this has been tried since the soviet days, and for good reason. Gorbachev limited the production of Vodka and did not allow it to be sold before 2PM. The result was citizens drinking perfume and mouthwash instead, and buying bootleg liquor(which is common there), some of which was processed from plywood(making it methanol, a.k.a. poison).

To a Russian, this is the equivalent of asking you to feel cold as fuck all the time, or drink poison. Just so your countries statistics look better. Even if your lifespan is increased, Extra years aren't worth a damn if they're spent shivering and depressed. This is the problem with any Nanny-state, it cares not about a citizens quality of life, but only about keeping you alive longer so it can extract more taxes from you and in turn institute policies that further reduce your quality of life.

I'm certain Dmitry Medvedev's consumption won't be reduced because of this policy, and that's why he sees no problem with it.

talking bout my generation

2009-12-30T09:18:00.001-05:00

I am from generation Y. Nicknamed "generation buy", the "ritalin generation", "trophy kids", "generation why" and "the millennials". If you'll notice, most of these nicknames have negative implications.

Generation "buy" implies that consumerism is the primary method of expression among the members. The label was applied by people of generations who have names that aren't only made to be put-downs, to put down younger people. Older generations typically share values of vaguely defined frugality, even if they don't practice it. It's some sort of ghost reaching from the great depression reminding them to eat their crusts and tuck their shirt in if they want that job at the mill. The thing is, not only is the "buy" label accurate, but it's a good thing. Generation Y members as a whole have demonstrated conscious consumerism. Picking brands that espouse the values they agree with, and not buying things that are not useful.

The ritalin generation implies that all the members are heavily medicated, which may or may not be true. But the real question, like usual, is "who gives a good goddamn". I know from personal experience that a medication is a medication, prescribed or otherwise, in pill form or not. In which case I doubt the current young adults are much different in this respect to previous generations. Only difference is that they are guilt-free and bathe regularly.

Trophy kids is a reference to the not-ever-very-common practice of awarding every child in a competition a trophy just for competing. This criticism of all-inclusiveness and unconditional self-esteem building hasn't been edgy or relevant since southpark was funny and people bought stock in internet companies. Recently the phrase has been validated by generation Y's supposed attitude in the workplace- that they deserve more money, benefits and working conditions at all times. The "get you some" generation would be more apt to describe that. I see nothing wrong. The alternative is "Never get trophies because of humility, fear, and mindless work ethic kids".

Generation why is inaccurate. Again it's older people who haven't bothered to do much research, looking at the 13 year old pot-head in their house and broadstroking the entire generation. Whereas generation X did demonstrably like to slack off, when observed; generation "why" is actually generation "why not", with high levels of optimism and a tendency to multitask and challenge themselves.

Millennials has a clueless ring to it. Referring to yourself as a "millennial" sort of makes you sound like another race in a bad science fiction book, but also implies that young people are constantly walking around thinking they're hot shit because they get to live a majority of their years Starting with a 2 instead of a 1.

It's "Generation Y" to you, and it always was. We're all growing up now, there's plenty of us, and evidence suggests that we're kicking more ass than any generation has in a while. Really, read up.

the drink drinks itself

2009-12-29T22:14:00.002-05:00

A drinking session for me is an emotional rollercoaster. It's nothing extraordinary, like an emotional kidnapping; It doesn't bring up absolute despair or complete validation, instead it brings up a full range of attitudes.

For the first part of the day I'm upbeat, maybe more than your average drunk, but self-criticizing. I spend one minute to several hours contemplating what the optimal amount to drink is, how I can drink exactly that much, wondering if this drinking thing is for me, the whole 9 yards.

Then, I come to a vague conclusion that "Well, I'm a drinker, so I ought to drink". Then I have one to several drinks. Then my attitude is "Ok. This is pretty good. But I got really drunk last night. So tonight, I think I'll just cruise with a nice buzz till bedtime and wake up fresh tomorrow".

One out of several times, I do just that. More often, I feel reawakened, not much differently than if my sleep lasted from when I blacked out to when all the shame and/or guilt passed, after my 3rd or 4th drink.

That's when Opportunity presents itself. Possibly (mis?)guided by optimism, I evaluate how the evenings going to pass. Option One: Even though I might want to drink, I don't, because I've heard that's the responsible thing to do. Enjoying myself will probably be made of watching DVDs and eating. Option several: Drink as much as I damn well please, and fuck tomorrow if it doesn't want to play ball.

Option one; the corny option; the option your mom would want me to take, doesn't put up a fight. You can read plenty about Sober artists and thinkers, and plenty about hard drinking artists and thinkers, but there is no congratulatory literature on the moderators. They're boring. And that's ultimately the conclusion I come to when I reach the "edge" between maintaining and indulging. It's too late to stop tonight; so go for broke.

This isn't an epiphany, it's what I think(more or less eloquently than stated here) every single morning and/or night. It's hard to maintain clarity and remember all this during a hangover, but when I do; I realize the only way to cut the bullshit is to get drunk quicker.

Start and maybe finish

2009-12-21T16:09:00.004-05:00

I'm amused by the phrase "the creative force". It sounds so... forceful. It makes it sound as if the creative person was casually doing laundry, paying bills or some other monotonous chore and was suddenly taken and guided by an irresistible force that caused him to create something.

This has happened to me a handful of times in my life. Usually the results were fairly mediocre. I'm sure some of it may have been good, some of it not that good, if I could even remember. Similar results have been begot by me through sitting in a room alone and trying to turn boredom into genius. The same yield from getting uncomfortably drunk and writing every thought I had down. The same from drinking coffee until it did the work for me.

I haven't noticed a better quality output using any particular method. I've only noticed a decreased quantity from trying to optimize quality. It's a hard truth every creative person must face: If you decide to work on something, you may be wasting your time. Your ideas can't all bloom and blossom, some of them never even sprout.

There's no creative force, inspiration, drive or otherwise. There's only the act of creating, for any reason at all.

Liquor: the new water

2009-12-21T10:42:00.005-05:00

The one and only time I was intoxicated on Magic Mushrooms, I was simultaneously wondering if I was a dipsomaniac, alcoholic, or just a heavy drinker for drinking more than most people do in my day-to-day life.

Even the reason I used mushrooms was influenced by wondering how being intoxicated on something else that's less addictive would make me feel about Alcohol, knowing that LSD had been used in the past with some success in treating alcoholism.. Mushrooms aren't exactly the same, but I'm not technically an alcoholic, so it was a smallest-effective-dose reasoning.

During the 7 hour trip I wasn't only thinking about that. In fact, I hardly thought of it at all. But I had an introspective stage in the kitchen, craving alcohol and deciding to "ask" my inner self how I felt about it, while simultaneously taking the first shot of the day. The shot went down easy, with no chaser, and I felt exactly the same, physically, and about the issue at hand. "Liquor is water" was my thought.

I know that I got no real answer from that phrase. Rather, I got an answer from the event. The whole thing made me feel silly immediately after the shot. I was asking a drug about another drug. But it didn't know, cause it couldn't. Mushrooms are food in the same way Liquor is water. There's no magic in the mushrooms and there's no demon in the rum.

Remember this: LSD treatments have been more effective than anything else in treating alcoholism. But they haven't been 100% effective. Some of the test subjects assuredly tripped balls, had an introspective moment much like mine that told them "get over yourself, you goof ball" and hit the sauce as soon as they could afterward. Or they possibly couldn't stop even with an LSD trips warning, seeing as how these were confirmed alcoholics and voluntary participants.

Liquor is water. Not literally, but in the sense that it is inert. It has no feelings or intentions. You have them. If you drink a large quanitity of alcohol and do something you regret, you have no business blaming the alcohol anymore than if you had drunk a large quantity of water. Drinker or non-drinker, drug user or not, Your personality is yours, and belongs to no drug use.

Man up and suck dick

2009-12-21T10:10:00.002-05:00

Blowjobs are not difficult. It takes a little practice to make it pleasurable for both parties, but not much. Without that practice, it's either performed out of a sense of obligation or not performed, both of which are unacceptable.

Unfortunately, because of bad pornography directors/actors, blowjobs have gotten a bad rap. Many see it as a male exerting his dominance over a female. While this could be true in some cases, I don't think it's even true in most. A female is in control of a blowjob. A penis simply stands erect. The woman can do what she likes to it, including bite down is she thinks she's getting almost raped. Pornography is not an archive of common sexuality, it's a show.

A secondary criticism of a blowjob is that it is a cold, uncaring act. Even the word "job" lends creedence to this. But it's quite the opposite. A man feels wanted when a woman wants to have intercourse with him. A man feels LOVED when a woman wants to commit all 5 of her senses to pleasuring his rather boring penis. Any man who doesn't have tender feelings towards the person blowing him is a jerk.

The third and final criticism, that Tipper Gore probably has, is that the act itself is disgusting and shouldn't be considered expected sexuality. Why? When the penis is washed and there is consent involved, blowjob hating/fear is as stupid as menstruation hating/fear. Bodily processes. Get over it. You've had long enough to dull your senses to the opposite sexes less appealing parts. You either accept it, or you ought to be Asexual.

Yes, blowjobs are considered expected, at least sometimes, within a relationship. This appears to be a new trend(like this century), but why is it a bad one? You can see the same trend with oral sex on females- including the at-first-glance dominace act of facesitting. As people become less inhibited by religion or society they step up their game sexually. Ladies(and gay men), You're not required to suck dick, but I don't blame a man who leaves you because you won't.

Overwork

2009-12-21T08:45:00.002-05:00

I work alot, often more than 40 hours a week. I don't do this out of any kind of personal guilt or religious-based principle. I used to hate being at work and did it as little as possible. At some point, my opinions and lifestyle choices shifted and re-aligned in such a way to send the signal: "WORK!". For these reasons:

1- The male biological clock.

It appears those I meet with a similar disposition are all Men, and are all 21-27. For me it was 22. I can't be sure if it's actually hormonal or a choice based on reason- But you feel as strong as an Ox, sharp as a tack, you have all the disposable time in the world, and you know that won't always be the case. So, "make hay while the sun is shining".

2- Make money.

So your employer is an asshole who doesn't pay you what you deserve? Telling him that won't get you anything. Instead, show up early, leave late, cover shifts, milk the clock, just hang around clocked in whenever no one will stop you. If you get paid overtime, you've given yourself a raise. This method is self-sustaining. The more time spent at work is less time you'll spend money. Ask someone who knows; it adds up.

3- Your brain is an idiot.

Some people are under the impression that your brain knows where you are and what you're doing, keeps track of where you've been and what you were doing, and reminds you of any stress you're having or have had for the rest of your life. Truth is, your deep-brain; that is, the parts that control creativity and love-making, can't tell the difference between 12 hours working and 12 hours watching that season of Venture Brothers(again). The only part that can tell is your consciousness, and you can minimize or eliminate the stress on it but simply spacing out.

4- Your brain is smart.

I may be only speaking for myself here, but I once thought that time spent becoming more competent at work, or a better employee, would somehow cut into my personal development and enrichment. As if learning a restaurant menu would halt that great idea I was just having. Unless you keep the contents of your brain in an overloaded briefcase, there's no truth to that. Your brain wants to and can master multiple tasks, both labor and leisure.

5- For the lulz.

It's often said by mouth-breathers that people wouldn't need to use drugs if they weren't so stressed from making enough money to purchase drugs. Therefore, its best to limit the amount of stress one has, including work, and instead live in a self-important idol haze. Other mouth-breathers counter that "someone needs to do some damn work!". Well, yes, many people are at work right now so you can have leisure time to read this(truckers, electricians, plumbers), but even they might be overworking for the previously mentioned reasons.

6- For the lulz, again.

In theory I could budget the amount of money I make with the amount of food/electricity/shelter I require perfectly, and have tons of time left over to do what I like for it's own sake(as long as it's free). But get real, you know I wouldn't and you know you wouldn't. You would get bored as shit and start pushing your limits. I'd rather work hard and drink harder then sit around thinking about how efficient I am.

Reading comic books while I wait.

2009-12-21T07:30:00.005-05:00

I've always loved this particular Calvin and Hobbes strip. I'm not one to make too much of a simple piece of entertainment, like the woman who wrote this, but I must say without hyperbole, that this comic strip's insights about life would cause a thousand gods in a thousand universes to cry tears of relief, if only they were lucky enough to see it.

Off the bat it brings up the idea of "success". For many people "success" is as corny as their daily horoscope and worded just the same, if I could be so bold as to imitate: "I just wanna be successful. Ya'know, like have some good friends and be able to visit my family and have a job that gets me enough money to have that car in that commercial on my cable TV set. Also, I don't want any big meanies hanging around!".

However, since this is Calvin's character speaking, you know "success" is something more grandiose, sinister, and by extension; fun. Which is my idea of success. Extraordinary success. The kind of success wherein I could find a schizophrenic homeless person and award him with Joe-dime-bag-of-mexican-weed's idea of success just for the lulz.

Calvin uses sense and logic to resolve the issue, but like always, because living life is not as much like solving a math problem as it should be, his solution is too simple. And begs these questions:

1-What is the right place?, and

2-Wouldn't it be boring just waiting for the right time?

Hobbes response "Being with you, it's just one epiphany after another" could roughly translate to "That's sort of clever, but you sound like a punk bitch", which is exactly what my more self-aware thoughts are telling me about this post right now. Coincidence? No.

Calvin's final suggestion is the heart of the exchange. He wants success, but he's rationalizing what he wants to do anyhow as a step to success. I see myself and many of my creative friends that way. If you really believe the "right place at the right time" method, you might be able to calculate the right place and the right time for success, but if you can't enjoy yourself before then, who wants it?

So do it like Calvin(always the best option): Do what you like, and eventually it might be the right place at the right time.

I want to be old

2009-12-15T15:18:00.007-05:00

Why do I want to be older? Older people are given the benefit of the doubt, and a certain amount of respect that young adults and children can't count on. A child's life is loose pebbles, a young adults is wet concrete, and an old persons is cinder block. No one is trying to tell and old person how it is and how its going to be. They get to truly be themselves. Observe:

This young woman smoking looks like she's playing with her toys.

This old man smoking looks like he knows what he's doing.

This guy looks like a total fucking tool. I'd like to tell him to knock it off.

If I told this guy to knock it off, it looks like I'd get the shit smacked out of me.

I think it's human instinct to let old people be themselves. They look like they've dealt with enough shit already; so much so that you should just let them be. I'd trade looks and athleticism for that any day.

shit just got real

2009-12-14T21:35:00.004-05:00

The collective American psyche was never more simple than during George W. Bush's final years in office. Through his various follies and misdeeds, he became the face of everything that was going wrong.

George W. Bush was everywhere. He was in more places than fast food, Schrodinger's cat, and even god... because he was in the toilet. While American citizens claimed to hate him, they really loved to hate him. Comedians, Political "thinkers", former supporters, and Joe Pint-bottle-of-mad-dog-20-20 alike didn't miss a beat; whenever they could tear him apart they did.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

What's wrong is thinking that the next president could, and would want to, end everything that was started in the last 8 years just by snapping his fingers and saying "shit just got Obama'd!". In a spectacular display of optimism, or rather; magical thinking, many Americans forgot or ignored how little power the president actually has, forgot or ignored Obama's actual positions, and exaggerated the importance of "being able to read good" with savior-like status.

Instead of a symbol of everything that's wrong, like Bush; Obama was used as a symbol of everything that's right.

But now that the economy is still in the shitter, there may be even more troops sent to "win" the "war", and Guantanamo bay is still operational after it was "being closed" as a first order of business on January 21st, Americans are starting to realize neither Icon is correct.

The cows already came home and they're infected with H1N1. We can't wait for a fool president to leave or a golden president to arrive, we have to get results ourselves. Shit just got real.

214

2009-03-30T12:58:00.002-04:00

This is the 214th post on this blog, and I am now taking an extended leave(anywhere from several days to months)

I'm not one for traditionalism, but I am one for skepticism. The new trends in social networking software, including blogs, is that people are deserving of attention without doing anything out of the ordinary.

For example. I write a blog post, follow up with updating my facebook status to "is feeling manic", and change the picture I choose to represent myself. For those who are interested in me: friends, I have slightly altered how the feel about me for the moment.

I certainly desire praise and admiration, but facebook/twitter/blogs seem like an altogether too easy way to get it. I'm not taking time off from it because I'm way too cool to receive attention, much the opposite. I'm taking time off because when I receive attention, I want it to be for something substantial.

That said, I'll be back when I have new music/new shows/new writing that's good. If you want to know about anything else, call me.

cobe

2009-03-25T00:17:00.003-04:00

It's a cliche to hear something like "back in those days, I thought I was invincible. Yep, back in my 20's. Then it all caught up with me". Careful not to have anything catch up with me, I was also careful not to give in to feeling invincible. And I don't, at least compared to the average young adult.

But in the past few weeks, much like hunger pangs, I've been hit with power pangs. For 1-30 minutes I will feel strong as a damn ox and sharp as a damn tack, with no hangover or moment of reprisal afterwards. On some level, it's true.

These feelings coincided with the idea of being a drifter. I've already moved to one city for no particular reason looking for nothing in particular, so the choice presents itself: figure it was a wierd type of vacation, or do it again for no particular reason. When I discussed this with others, I was a bit surprised by their envious faces. Some even said "I wish I could do that".

The question is obvious- why couldn't they do that? Well, they could, but they won't, and I think that is the line I can draw between the youth populous at large and me. Like a person with a family, they feel tied down to whatever they've created/started where they are. I have certainly felt that way, but I was lucky enough not to feel guilty/lazy enough to be bound by it. The idea that I can go wherever I can get to, get a low-paying job, and be in just as good a situation as I was before, and possibly a better one, is liberating on many levels.

I think the power-pangs are the result of feeling like everything in my life is lining up. The smallest, most wasteful action I take is a piece of something larger. Whether it is or not is an unanswered question, but the fact that I can feel like all my false starts are a bridge makes everything seem worthwhile.

You can always tell how valid your feelings are by how weird the song-lyric is that reminds you of it. The wierder and more obscure the song, the more valid the feeling. So in the words of emcee "beans":

I did it cause you didn't.

things that don't work

2009-03-24T22:26:00.002-04:00

There are way too many things that don't work to list them all in a single blog post. Perhaps an ongoing, never-ending blog could get closer and closer, in the sense of figuring out pi to more decimal places gets "closer and closer".

A service I can do for you is to at least offer the things that don't work that are close to my heart. The things that don't work that I hold onto for dear life, against my better judgment and all objectivity, hoping that one day they will indeed "start working" if I try harder at making them not work.

-the "loaded up day"

Have an epic amount of menial shit to take care of? How about just planning to do it all tomorrow/a day off? Lots of reasons. Though it's very attractive to think that will be the day everything gets settled and you can get drunk with a clear conscience several moments later, I know through repeated error and error that it doesn't work. It's encouraging on the day you think of it because you can put it off longer, but it's extremely discouraging to wake up to a list that contains a day's worth of boring obligations. So at best you will begin on the first thing, rush the work, and become too upset to do anything thereafter.

-being social

Socialization just occurs. Even for border-borderline schizoid individuals like me, sometimes between periods of socialization, lonliness is felt. The right reaction is "time to watch kids in the hall". The wrong reaction is "I better put myself 'out there'"(whatever that means). Friends made out of emotional neccessity are not real friends. They are mildly amusing characters who you won't want hanging around asking you "how you've been". Wait it out, and the right people will be drawn to you and you to them. People that make an effort to make friends always end up getting fucked over(or bothered) by people they find out are strangers.

-technology will take care of it

Though "communication" has increased with the advent of the internet and cell phones, and I realize how helpful it is sometimes, it can't replace actually popping over(within a half hour) and being face to face. Our great-ape biology has not caught up with the internet, and won't. The difference between sending facebook messages and actually being in the same place as a friend is like the difference between masturbating to porno and having sex. This applies to non-social things as well. You can do all the wikipedia research you want on a city and still have no clue what it's like till you go there.

-getting a thing that makes money

Unfortunately, in any case besides counterfeiting money, this is untrue. Any investment you make will take time and effort to get a return on. Let's say you buy 100 dollars worth of drugs to sell for 200 dollars and make 100 dollars profit. Well, if it takes you more than 18 hours to aquire and sell the drugs, you're already working for less than minimum wage with no other expenses calculated. There sadly just isn't a thing that generates profit while you watch the upright citizens brigade... until I invent it.

slightly cleaned slate

2009-03-20T22:32:00.002-04:00

I woke up a little confused, on a friends couch, not remembering some of last night. I had a neuron-shattering headache. There was an empty fifth of $10 bourbon on the kitchen counter, a 1/4 full drink and a half-eaten bag of popcorn on the table next to me. I felt like a new man.

I've overcome physical withdrawal, simple compulsion and social pressures to drink. I feel fine sober, and not like I am missing anything. But the one thing that keeps me coming back to the crazy water is the incredible clarity that follows a binge.

That's why I don't support moderation. I've tried it, having exactly 3 drinks a day just to "keep things together". It didn't work. I would wait, ridiculously, until my silly few drinks of the day, wish I had more, and repeat. I've tried sobriety. But lifes obligations have a way of piling up. The more they pile up, the more overwhelmed and unhappy I get, and the less I do them. Unless...

I get to take some time off. I'm not talking about reading a book, watching a movie or taking a nap. That time is most certainly time ON. I'm talking about higher-brain shut off, bodily functions barely still in check, thinking I'm the apex of human advancement while I feel the room spin down and to the left. That is a real vacation, it's a real break.

I used to think I didn't get hangovers, but recently I've noticed that I just ignore them, because the catharsis overwhelms most any physical discomfort. I have been calmed, reassured. I don't have any awkward time lying alone in a cold bed feeling wide-awake, because I didn't even remember going to bed, and if I did, I was wrapped in a 2.0 B.A.C. blanket.

I don't play in a league

2009-03-19T21:24:00.002-04:00

So there's a young woman who came into my place of employment today. I found out she's a co-worker, although I'd never seen her before. That's because she works 1 shift a week, at a time when I've incidentally never had to work. So we were introduced as a basic custom, and I had no reason not to like her. Oh yeah, and she was fucking gorgeous.

So, immediately after she left, I asked another male co-worker if she was exclusively committed to anyone sexually(not in those words) and his response was "YOU'RE gonna try to go out with HER?". After he saw I took offense to his level of surprise, he kept quiet. Though I felt personally slighted, it just reminded me of a huge difference between me and seemingly the rest of the world save 2 friends of mine.

I don't want to echo the cliches "what have you got to lose?" "better to try than go through life thinking what could've been" and even "just be yourself". But I think I have to. You have nothing to lose, it's better to try than go through life thinking what could've been, and just be yourself. I have to repeat it because it's true on all counts.

So imagine this. I ask this girl out on a date(pending I find out she's single, which I didn't find out). The worst case scenario in most peoples minds is "she says no". Well, so the fuck what? She is reassured she's hot shit, I have reassured her I'm confident in myself, and I'm at the exact same place I was before doing it. And best case, she's awesome and I get to indulge in carnal pleasures with her.

Though not explicitly said, it was clear that my simple-minded coworker believed in "leagues". That is, that she, being really hot and pleasant to speak to, was in a better "league" than me, a person who typically has stubble from being too lazy to shave and won't speak except to express luciferian ambitions. Well, needless to say, I don't believe in that bullshit, and I wouldn't want to be involved with anyone who does. So again, there is a staggeringly low amount to "lose". If she is like me, then I could hit a grand slam, and if she does indeed think she's too good for me, I'm at an even better place then I was because I know we wouldn't get along, rather than wondering what pleasures could have been had.

It coincided with something I heard a week before. That was that you shouldn't pick a partner that is worse or even equal to your last one. The speaker added "why take a step backwards? fuck that shit!". I couldn't have said it better. People who play in their own "leagues" are really doing themselves and others a disservice. Not only are you settling for less, but it leaves you tied down to less, bound by less.

All because you're afraid of rejection? Who could care? You're rejected by every light that turns red while you drive and every popcorn kernel that just doesn't pop in a bag. It doesn't mean you don't drive and don't eat popcorn.

on point

2009-03-19T20:46:00.002-04:00

"On point" might be my favorite positive descriptor for someone. I've used it to describe myself, and now 2 groups of people in 2 different cities have used it to describe me as well, which is flattering.

Being on point is a very specific thing. It means you are aware as you can be of what's going on, and what's about to happen. However, it doesn't mean you aren't also daydreaming. You couldn't be driving your car and only thinking "I'm operating heavy machinery. I'm driving. Watch for dangers. I'm operating heavy machinery..." or you'd lose your mind, and be very much not on point thereafter.

There is a type of person that is completely absorbed in what they're doing, but that's not the same thing. They typically lose perspective. Because if you're concentrating on drying laundry, you'll become very upset when your clothes come out still wet. When things are emotionalized as such, that person who was once on point is now just melodramatic.

There is also the "space case" oriented individual, who isn't easily upset by the material world, but is also not competent. It's nice to be in your own world all the time, but if the outside world is neglected too often/much then it tends to disrupt your dream world very aggressively, and could sometimes be dangerous.

Being on point is not a middleground, but being both extremes essentially at the same time. Not only is the person giving their whole effort into what they're doing, but they are remembing the big picture at the same time, so they are not over-stressed.

An easy way to classify someone in a group is to see what happens when they make a mistake. The melodramatic person will become extremely upset, the space case will not notice, and the person who fixes it with ease is on point.

____
Interesting aside: to go to sleep, I typically try to see how many thoughts/processes of a different nature I can juggle simultaneously. I'll start counting or reciting the alphabet, while dreaming of a beautiful landscape and imaging colored shapes. Any 3 things can be juggled. I can't do more than that without becoming self-aware, but I speculate that it's good practice to be on point and at the same time, It puts me out like a light.

Love: The Bringer of War

2009-03-16T18:21:00.002-04:00

"There's never been a good war, or a bad peace".

Love is war, and without it I am at peace. The very nature of a relationship is conflict, without conflict there is just cohabitating people gratifying their sexual urges. I only realized this when I was cohabitating with a woman, gratifying her sexual urges, and she would let me know that we're not in a relationship yet. So what change could possibly happen to turn the relationship "on" from just playing around? Exclusive sexuality?

And there arises the conflict in most, the exclusive nature. It is truly violent to try to keep a person for yourself. If I knew a talented musician, but insisted he only play his music for me, and became angered when he played for someone else, I would be at best jealous and at worst abusive. What then is not abusive about not allowing a human being from having sex with someone else?

That sparked my interest in polyamory. The idea behind polyamory is that someones sexuality is their own, and they could give it to more than one person if they pleased. Some agreements go further to be "closed" to anyone outside of the initial grouping. I tried it, and found it preferable to the traditional coupling mentality. But the enemy of my enemy is not my friend, and it presented many problems itself. Jealousy is what comes to most peoples mind, but that passes fairly quickly. Afterwards, there is all kinds of other unpleasantness. There is a competitiveness. Either I feel inadequate, or I feel superior to my partners partner. In either case, I am harboring negative feeling towards a person I think should be afforded the same freedoms and pleasures I am.

There is hate for your fellow man deep within every utterance of "I love you". I love my family, but I don't tell them on a regular basis, I don't feel the need to after doing it the first time. Unless I don't anymore, I have enough good will to assume they know, and unless something extraordinary happens like they feel incredibly low, I don't say it again. When romantic partners say "I love you" to eachother, I wonder why they think they have to say it. There is unease. "I love you" is in a sense passive aggressive. The person must say it back, and the first person to say it in a series has always won that particular power struggle.

And the power struggle permeates elsewhere. Both partners may assure the person they're with they'd rather be with them than any other person, but after being dumped a few times, a person realizes people are only as truthful as their options. It may be true at the time, but desires and appetites change sometimes as often as the seasons, and when one person wants to still be with someone, but the object of affection fancies someone else, It can't help but cross the "dumped" parties mind that they are inferior to the next in line.

I do not say this to reiterate "love can hurt one's feelings", which is apparent. Instead, it's that love itself is a fight. That's why the nonsense of a "mutual breakup" exists. And the sense of "it's never mutual" also exists. After each relationship, someone had a victory. Firstly it's who dumps who first, then it's who hurts who first, who feels the most guilty, who's moved on best. The whole thing is an insult to the idea that each person needs to be treated with love and respect. And in this sense romantic love is antithetical to love for all of humanity.

Of note is that sexual gratification, friendship, and emotional support can be had outside of a romantic relationship. So if you crave these things, like most do, You are not between in a rock and a hard place. I myself crave these things, and from this moment on I promise you will not see me in the ugly power struggle, the hate-filled timebomb we call an romantic relationship. Instead, each of my appetites will be filled on their own terms, accepting no emotional abuse that exists in even the simplest demands of a relationship.

I am a free agent, and except for those who resent my position, will cause no ill will amongst the females I spend time with, as friends or sexual partners. I can't break your heart, because I won't ask for it, or take it through manipulation. I can never again be someone who alienated your girlfriends affection for you, because I didn't ask for her affection. I am no longer a warpig.

are you white trash?

2009-03-16T16:53:00.000-04:00

I was born in a trailer(note: not a hospital close to the trailer park, in a trailer) and moved to the suburbs only by the mercy of my father(occasionally called “ma daddy” in white trash tribes) being able to afford a dilapidated 95,000 dollar home. At this point, I thought I had taken a large step from being “white trash” to “white”, but slowly realized that economic standing had nothing to do with being white trash.

White trash is a cultural group I still identify with. In many ways, I am grateful for the existence of the phrase, for saving me the trouble of spending every waking moment on being lame and compromising like the “white not-trash”(if there can be such a thing) that surrounds me. Are you white trash? Well, if you don’t identify as another racial group and it’s subsets for whatever reason, and are what bigots call an “under-achiever”, then you are halfway there. The other cultural markers are this:

You don’t drink alcohol/drink A LOT of alcohol...

Moderation is something that people latch onto to coast through life without conflict, out of fear or lack of substance. Not only is a white trash specimen fearless, they are confident in their decisions to the point where they actually let their excess guide them, example: “let the liquor do the thinking”. To qualify as a non-drinker example, you don’t drink for a reason besides your own health.

You have lots of pets(bonus points: non-mammal pets)(extra bonus: pets that are illegal to own)...

If you plan on dying without being surrounded by more than one dog/cat/bird/snake/colony of venomous insects your family will have to take as your only inheritance, you can’t qualify. I really can’t figure this out, but White Trash people love animals, and the weirder the better. If you received an exotic pet as a present before puberty, you can be sure your parents were white trash. If you asked for it, you are too.

You’ve smoked cigarette butts/ used chewing tobacco...

Without nicotine, there would be white-trash spree killings on a [more] regular basis. Nicotine appeals to the psyche of the white trash individual the same way it appeals to others, but white trash is differentiated in that they have scraped the bottom of the barrel to get nicotine at moments of poverty, instead of thinking “this is a waste of time and money”. To white trash, nothing is a waste of time or money.

You like boats/water/vacation cruises...

The promise of conquest when you are on the open water must fire up some sleeping neurons in a white trash specimen. The reality that any non-white trash person can see is that you’re hanging out in murky water with poison fish and the possibility of drowning while piss-drunk. I must admit this doesn’t apply to me, because:

You don’t know how to swim...

This is a general marker of poverty, but especially in the case of whites. It means that your parents couldn’t afford swimming lessons or time at a pool, and there was no body of water near your living quarters deep enough to want to swim in. Bonus points if you make no effort to learn.

You are surrounded by musical instruments...

And you are not a musician in any traditional sense. It doesn’t count if you can play one well, or all of them ok. You have to have baffling noise-causing mechanisms all around you, for no pragmatic reason, like your pets. Bonus points if you are offended when people offer to buy them.

You’ve done a trick on your bicycle...

This doesn’t count if it’s something anyone would be impressed with. It has to be something like skidding on gravel/wet leaves, running into a wall at greater and greater speeds, simply riding off of a tall ledge, or holding onto a car to gain speed. White Trash love bicycles, and I think most of then learn to ride them before they learn their own name. Bonus points if you’ve been hospitilized for trying. Extra bonus points if you tried it again successfully. Mega bonus points if you were hospitalized again.

You’ve gone more than 2 weeks without showering...

Either because you had no access to a shower on purpose, or you “needed more time” for playing video games or doing meth.

You collect something worthless...

This is what you can use to tell a white trash specimen apart from a poorly dressed great ape. In the back of the white-trash persons mind is some lingering self-awareness that they are just going through culturally and biologically programed motions. In order to fight this sensation, they have keepsakes from their various indulgences. Because who wants to just drink beer for no reason when you can collect the cans and make a dog/cat/bird/snake/venomous insects house with them?

You imagine receiving a great deal of money somehow...

And when you get it, you know exactly what you’re going to spend it on. And what you’re going to spend it on doesn’t involve a bank, collecting interest, or investing. It’s strictly for upgrading the quality of the cars, house, and dogs/cats/birds/snakes/colony of venomous insects that surround you.

objective watchmen review

2009-03-14T17:39:00.000-04:00

I watched this movie knowing little about it on purpose. I'm generally a fan of the "graphic novel"(comic book) themed movie, feeling it's a step above the classic superhero comics/movies. I'm also not a fan of graphic novels(comic books) themselves, and I'm not ashamed of liking one and not the other. So note that this review is solely for the movie, and you nerds who complain that your favorite speech bubble was left out can dunk you head in ice water.

All in all, this was an excellent movie. The redeeming feature I found in it was a collection of monologues, with visual accompaniment. Each strong character had his own "piece" within the movie, and it added quite a bit of depth to it. They all possessed basic philosophical outlooks, and the monologues would be a back story and personal mission thereafter, mixed with flashbacks. That part was strong enough to carry the entire movie, and as many of you who've seen it might guess, dr. manhattan is the character I relate to best.

The moral ambiguity was a crowing achievement. Typically hollywood's idea of "moral ambiguity" is when a good guy does something slightly bad, or the other way around. Instead, throughout this movie, the viewer finds themselves rooting for all kinds of uncomfortable things, only because the opposite is worse, and occasionally one really can't tell which side is worse, and has a cognitive tug of war that ends with nothing but mental ropeburn.

definitely worth a watch, maybe a few.

There was plenty to take exception with:

-Dr. Manhattan has a circumcised penis. Why? he clearly doesn't have the body build he had before he mutated, so why is circumcision still the "perfect male form" when only israel and the united states still do it on a wide scale? zionist conspiracy

-all the songs are obnoxiously ironic(usually lyrically referring to something on the screen) and well-known. This would have been a much better film had they hired someone to do the score, or more obscure songs were used(that would have fit better). All instrumental might have served it best

-nixon's double is almost comical. I think they could have put more into finding a closer match, most of the other ones are good

-there is no strong female character. There doesn't have to be, but unfortunately it seems like they are trying to make one(or two) and it doesn't work out. All the starring females are completely at the mercy of the illogical actions of the male protagonists.

-I know this isn't reality, but the fight scenes could have at least involved human nature. On only one occasion does(a dwarf) realize he's outmatched and run away. Other times, when 2 superheros are fighting 20-30 goons, the goons all run to fight full speed, and even after 29 of them have been bodied, the last one will still think he can win. Even in under-financed early bruce lee films, the goons will each think about a new way to attack, or try to run away, before fighting.

energy

2009-03-09T19:40:00.002-04:00

The ability to expend energy is mostly owed to conserving it beforehand. I often wondered what the "average joe" is doing with his time, and how he could possibly be happy with his lot in life.

Because it's baffling for me to imagine a life without some kind of artistic expression; some kind of performance to put on. If I'm not performing, I'm planning on how I'm going to perform when I get the chance. Everything is quite simple, I simmer and scheme and then erupt in one cathartic climax, again and again.

The reason why other people don't do it became plainly simple to me today. After a night of not sleeping, I found myself highly emotional. Becoming drained by basic things like having to make food or listening to something on the radio. With my basic energy out-of-whack, what little energy I had was spent on stupid shit, as is the case for most people.

Most would agree that it's important to be ready for a challenge at any moment. It would seem though that most people wake up refreshed and ready, but by the end of the day are too burnt out by making dietary choices and socializing with people to have anything left.

I, on the other hand, am terrible at these and many other daily life tasks, as well as major life choices that don't involve "my work". I've discovered recently that the less I pay attention to them(and consequently how badly I execute them), the better I am at getting "the work" done.

So as long as I pay attention enough to driving to not be killed in an accident, as long as I eat just the right variety of food not to get nutrient deficient, as long as I talk to other people just enough so they don't take hostile action against me, I focus on what's "important"; a gonzo news show.

remember me?

2009-03-09T02:23:00.003-04:00

After moving to a place where I didn't know anyone and being biologically compelled to form social bonds with strangers, in pretty short order I thought I had the people I met figured out.

I had the people I liked, and the people I didn't like. There was a large variety of criteria employed to decide which group each person went into, but I noticed after the fact a very striking thing: everyone who I had put into the "don't like" group casually asked me the same questions about myself, that I had already answered directly to them before. I noticed that if I said "I already told you" they were a bit off-put, so then I tried just answering again. To my wonder, this didn't jog most of their memories, and they responded in a way that was quite similar to how they responded the first time they asked the question.

Occasionally I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, particularly when it comes to matters of memory, so as not to have my glass house broken. But why is it that no one who was on the "do like" list has any problems remembering what I've told them? And why is it I remember factual conversations with everyone, including people I don't like?

Because for all my huffing and puffing, I am interested in people. If they volunteer information about themselves, or I volunteer information about myself, it is, on some basic level, important. I don't often indulge in small talk because to me, no talk is small.

I may not remember the calendar date(or day of the week), how many cups of coffee I had this morning or "that one time" but I do keep a keen record of what the people who surround me think they are, what they are doing and what they know about me. Not only is it personally upsetting when someone doesn't remember something personal you told them, it crosses your mind that the person is entirely self-absorbed in exactly the wrong ways.

Try to apply this litmus test for feelings of kinship in your life. I bet it checks out.

Whatever doesn't kill me is?

2009-03-07T23:32:00.003-05:00

So I had a shit day. I've had plenty of them, but this one actually took some magical/optimistic thinking to get through.

Well, I've had a shit month to begin with. March is a shit month in the first place, between the stuttering winter of February and the stuttering spring of april. March just slurs- and if it were a person it would be a drunk man on the street corner asking you for 2 cents.

To begin with, I had to work a "double" as it is called, in my case that's a 4 hour shift, with one hour break, and a 6 1/2 hour shift. It was at 2 different places, so the "break" was used to get coffee and travel to the other location. During the 3rd hour, with images of the day completely overrun by menial labor, I had to think fast why I was doing this. The material reason is simple, because 2 weeks ago I had -24 dollars and alot of things to buy. I thought "I better work more", but then why did I cover a shift yesterday, and tomorrow, making 3 10-hour shifts 3 days in a row?

I flashed(as I, and you should, often do) to a Calvin and Hobbes strip. In the strip, Calvin is trying to be good so Santa will reward him with presents. He is at the dinner table, and eats his plate of dinner mentioning "what are these, maggots? I'm choking them down the best I can, this should be worth X amount of presents!". His mom interjects "more maggots?" sarcastically and Calvin shouts "Sure! Pile em on!".

Pile em on. That is exactly how I felt when taking on so much labor, and how I feel right now. If things are shitty, throw all the shit you can at me, and I will take it all on. I will live shit, do shit and eat shit, and I will smile. I won't gripe, whine or brag about it later, I'll just do it. And I had a thought that though I don't value the particular labor I'm doing, I can at least use a similar ethos for the labor that I do value. It was a pure and simple moment of seeing the glass half-full. I thought of it as cross-training. I had to, not to walk out at any moment. I had to look at the employing class and say "you are increasing my stamina while you pay me very little, and it will all come back to bite you".

They raise people to work 40-80 hours a week. What will the person do if they're clever enough to save their resources and develop no false pride, only resentment? The person will work 40-80 hours on tearing the whole system down when they get the chance. If I can calculate a stores inventory I can ration my energy for an attack.

Maybe I'm a sucker like every other sucker and I suck. But if everything is really what you make of it, the world couldn't expect just what I could make out of it's shit.

real advice

2009-03-04T23:33:00.005-05:00

One might think a person like me; as oblivious to societal rules as the day is long/short depending on seasonal changes, couldn't have survived to be 21 and 3/4 of a year old. Against my better judgement, I have. "But how?" you didn't ask and didn't really care to know? A few guidelines:

-do your own laundry.

It's an emotional thing. People use laundry for manipulation in a variety of situations. If you let someone else do your laundry, it means you owe them one, even if they reassure you it's not a problem. It just means they can make it a problem whenever they like.

-only eat out on special occasions.

I've talked to alot of "older individuals" and they all had a similar period of 1-30 years in which they ate out practically every meal they needed to eat. I can't say I've been immune to the addiction. When calculated, this costs more daily than caffeine, nicotine, and alcohol together, in heavy amounts, and is alot less fun. Absolutely any food you like, you can learn to prepare at home and make it exactly how you like it.

-drugs are not "fun"

They are something you do/don't need to continue to your goals. "Situational" and "Recreational" users are as lame as anything else with the word "situational" and "recreational"; like "situational offender" and "recreational sports".

-sex is not great.

I'm always astounded when someone mentions something is "better than sex". First of all, sex is not a homogenous, dependable thing; like a chocolate bar or getting really, really drunk. Every time is different. Think how many things are better than that time you lost your hard-on and spend 20 minutes apologizing only to have your partner reassure you, and in hindsight realize you just further emasculated yourself. I've had car accidents that were better than sex.

-always tip.

It's amazing people will buy unseen things from infomercials, pay for cable television, eat out every other meal, and still not hand a fellow human being a few dollars in gratitude. You were going to buy a mountain dew and some cheetos with that 4 dollars from a Senegalese shopkeeper , whereas the cab driver is going to send it to Senegal. Cut the middleman.

-don't own things.

I too thought having things generated the ability to have more things, or money. The opposite appears to be the case. Things usually break, wear out or cause more trouble than happiness. Like cars, televisions, and state-issued driver's licenses. The only things you can be sure are good buys are new socks and electricity.

-sleep as much as you damn well please

Don't worry about time. You only have so much of it in your life anyway, which is more reason to stay safe in your bed where no one can run your pockets and your subconscious can plan it's next attack. sleep less than 7 hours a night a few times in a row and observe what you do with your "free time". Between coffee/energy drinks: probably start a blog or initiate human contact. bad move.

more self-absorbed drinking psychoanalysis

2009-02-27T21:14:00.002-05:00

Since I started drinking so late in my life(most people start before they're 20), and I did it in such an antisocial way(never expected to be a "social" or "situational drinker), It has caused me all sorts of mental grief.

I have since wondered if I was doing the right or wrong thing repeatedly. When I'm not drinking, I weigh the options and when I am drinking, I weigh the options unless I'm so drunk I can't make popcorn.

I realized(like I did when I started) that the choice isn't of much consequence really, but the cognitive dissonance is. Since I started, I have had 2-21 day "dry spells" in which for whatever reason I think I should stop. I am absolutely sure that during these times my output, although it may be of greater quality, is pretty substantially reduced.

So why do I do more "work" when drinking? Well, if I think drinking is ultimately the wrong thing to do, then when I am dry I can at least remember I am not drinking now, and entertain the possibility of not drinking again. Once the initial withdrawal is over, I honestly feel great sober. This gives me a false sense of security. If I have great self-control, self-confidence, and a body that's getting all of it's REM sleep and is rarely dehydrated, all I do is enjoy myself, Unless something else upsets me. I think that things will be taken care of without my input.

On the other hand, if I'm wet as a dishcloth, I think fairly often about getting liver masses when I'm 30, I think about how I might be damaging my cognitive abilities in the short run, and so I put my foot on the gas. I don't want to be another heavy-drinking loser, so I try harder. It puts true uncertainty into the mix. And that is a powerful motivator.

Drinking, for me, introduces the fear of incompetence. The only way to fight that fear is to increase my competence.

In the bag

2009-02-25T18:42:00.003-05:00

Ran out of liquor, have no money to buy more. What to do?

1- go in unlocked cars and pawn peoples stereos for enough to buy some wild irish rose

2- start spending time with "friends" who have alcohol, and explicitly and secretly drink as much of it as I can

3- do what anthony burgess did(always the right move) and start drinking "overstrong"(twice as strong) tea

The last one might be a bit confusing for you, but tea has similar muscle relaxant properties as alcohol. Of course not in similar amount, which is why one should make it overstrong if they're drinking it for that reason.

So I'm squeezing 10 teabags into a big vat of almost boiling water, and It's not turning brown fast enough. The water was clear, and when it's tea it's brown. And if it's overstrong tea, it must have to be overbrown. So I get a large spoon and squeeze the mass of teabags against the side of the pot, as if squeezing life out of it(I might be doing just that).

I realize at the same time that I have a portion of snus in. It's tobacco in a teabag, essentially, and when you need a hit you squeeze it with your lip. I realized all at one that my life is squeezed out of bags. When I drink liquor it's to get "in the bag", but if I can't get in it, at least I can squeeze as much as possible out.

So, can I accomplish what I set out to do in life, with the power I have squeezed? It's in the bag.

fuck it

2009-02-24T22:51:00.003-05:00

My current situation is to have no spendable money, lots of obligations that need money, and lots of things to sell that no one wants to buy. It would be outside of my principles to say that my problem is money.

Not only would I not like to say that, but It also isn't. The problem here is things. At some point, I took on as many projects as I could. These projects took a certain amount of start-up cost, and I imagined eating the cost if they didn't work out. I carefully took that risk, thinking that everything could be sold for what I bought it for, or even if less, at least half. The problem is not taking a loss- it's that no one wants to buy it at all.

Of course I could find reasons for that, which are true, like low consumer confidence, the general incompetence of others, and my general appearance being not someone you would trust to buy anything from. But honestly those things are excuses. The reality is much more personal, and it's a lesson I wish I had learned earlier:

Once you have a bunch of shit, you might have it for fucking ever. I would love it at this point If I could just make things like live animals and market-sellable cars dissapear into thin air. Make it so it never happened, costs incurred so far left in memory. But instead, The responsibility to acquire things is the responsibility to safely and intelligently get rid of them. That part isn't so fast, and it's not so fun.

It's the simple life from now on for me. I've had enough of this shit. Diversification is a sinking ship for me. If You like to just live, just drink a few beers, finger bang suzy creamcheese and ask your boss for a raise every 1-20 years, It's for you. If you have a very specific goal, like I do, then forget all your trips into other trades and schemes. It is nothing more than distraction.

I feel like my lifestyle is constipated, just trying to eliminate my false starts to start with one start that won't be false.

They Are Everywhere

2009-02-24T22:28:00.001-05:00

I’m at work. I’ve worked about 9 hours thus far, and a co-worker who seems pretty on-the-level comes in to the store when he’s not scheduled to patronize it, and nothing else. To me this raises a red flag. You have to have a weird disposition to voluntarily visit a place that continually robs you of the just product of your labor, except to steal or argue.

He sits down, starts eating, and I make the fateful decision to visit the sweet-tea urn and drink as much as I can to attempt to get back the compensation they won’t give me in money. He’s reading a book, which in my mind means he’s feeling introverted. Yet he pipes up after my 4th or 5th dixie cup of sweet tea and says “this is a great book”. I look at the cover and can tell its something one can buy next to batteries at the grocery store. He asks me if I’ve heard of the author. I haven’t, and before any other conversation is had I ask him if he’s read catch-22. This is a litmus test.

Here’s how I grade people: A) voluntarily read catch-22, B) means to read it soon, knows quite a bit about it C), knows about it, plans to read it at some point, D) knows about it, F) Doesn’t know about it. This man receives an emphatic failing grade when he replies “no, what is it?”. I tell him it’s my favorite book, and that it is amusing and tragic at the same time. He immediately pipes up with a vast exaggeration of whatever he is reading, saying there are “cliffhangers every paragraph”. I say “yeah”, figuring at least hes literate, and wishing to end the encounter.

Then he explains that this particular writer wrote from biblical predictions, and that his books thus far have all predicted political events before the event accurately. I try hard not to smirk, but then he asks “are you a christian”. I say “no” as if to add “what do I look like, a jive sucka?” and he replies “yeah, I used to be more skeptical too. It’s not like it’s just this book that got me to be christian, but I understand where you’re coming from”. This motherfucker has no idea where I’m coming from, and that is a self-evident fact. Trying to veer the conversation on to the shoulder, I say “It’s not about Christianity, I’m just skeptical of anyone who thinks they can predict the future”.

With my intention, the topics moved into useless fluff so I wouldn’t inspire some kind of daily, obnoxious conversation about how this man came to religion and I haven’t. He played a part I’ve seen lots of men do when they find out I’m not religious, which is to be a “cool guy” who is “cool with that”. More condescending is that they “were like [me]”, meaning that it’s a foregone conclusion that I will someday be like them.

I had previously learned that many people I work with are explicitly atheist or simply not-religious and not-interested, the day-old bagel version of atheism. This was a reality check that Christians lurk in sandwich shops, between me and my immediate goals, appearing unassuming. If my bed wasn’t a futon mattress on the floor, I’d check under my bed for them.

Screwy reviewy: bullshit: "good ol' days"

2009-02-23T22:03:00.002-05:00

I was so excited about this installment of "bullshit" starring penn & teller, known illusionists and bullshit-exposers, that I even suggested to a friend to watch it, though I hadn't seen it. It's the equivalent of judging a book by it's cover.

What a lame fucking show. They almost make the opposite of their point by negation. They could have filled their show with excellent points, but instead have some self-indulgent bender of style and presentation. All they'd have to do is compare cultural attitudes, crime statistics, and the realities of the past to the present, expound upon them, add some magic tricks, and have another classic.

Instead, I don't even know what they tried to do. Most of it is penn ineffectually ridiculing the speech patterns of the 50's and 80's. If I were to compare this installment to past classics like "P.E.T.A." and "the boy scouts", this new one would pale in comparison like and albino to a "black" crayola crayon.

.

2009-02-23T21:16:00.001-05:00

ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKES COBE TRY HARDER.

sideways

2009-02-23T17:55:00.001-05:00

I started breeding ball pythons last breeding season. I managed to hatch 4 snakes, and since then it’s been one reality check followed by another. The first one was lost. One time I saw it escaping, put it back, and reoriented the enclosure it was in. What was stupid is that I thought I could flick my wrist, move something a few inches, and it would be fixed. He escaped the exact same way he had almost the first time while I wasn’t paying attention. I realized even then that it takes more than passive attention to stop an animals will to power.

I had a snake who never wanted to eat. The snake just didn’t respond to a live rodent like the other 2, or like nature would dictate. It was nothing more than a warm, moving obstacle to him. To give him half a chance(that’s about the odds) at life, I started force feeding him. It’s not a fun process. You have to override an animals natural movements for it’s own good, and you certainly don’t get thanks. But he started to look better.

3 days ago, “hungry” as he was named, was found motionless, lying with his head sideways and his mouth open. Initially thinking he had died, I moved him and he moved back ever so slightly. The head continued to turn itself sideways. When I oriented him in a proper snake position, he would turn it back. I knew he was on his way out in any case. He died, and I assumed it was because of his general unwillingness to eat and live.

Unfortunately, this morning I checked on one of the healthy babies and noticed the same symptoms. He was a bit more lively, likely because he had at one point had a will to live. But the sideways head was stark. He even had more energy to put his head back sideways If I moved him. I roughly recalled a “House” episode in which Dr. Gregory house notices a rat with head-tilt and diagnoses it as neurological. Knowing something was seriously wrong and that this snake might be strong enough to recover, I took it to a veterinarian.

As you might imagine, once a peanut-sized brain is oriented sideways, It’s essentially too late to save him. He’s not going to be able to eat or drink. When I talked to the vet, I said that he couldn’t hold his head straight. But that wasn’t true. The vet told me that literally, instead of just being dizzy or not knowing which way is up, The snake thinks the way his head is facing is correct. He backed up his claim by saying that animals with head tilt will hold their head at a very specific angle.

Although upset about my certain loss, I was taken by the surreal nature of that idea. The snake is literally in a sideways world, and doesn’t know. He was euthanized, of course, but I comforted myself that at least he didn’t go out with sanity and clarity. He was completely mixed-up, quite literally. Out of pure curiosity, I spent my bottom dollar on an autopsy since he likely died of the same thing the first one did. It might have been an infection(which the non-eater was more likely to catch) or it might be genetic. But I can’t get the image and idea of "sideways" out of my upright head.

P.S. the last one is quite healthy, having overcome his slave morality.

shameless

2009-02-22T14:07:00.002-05:00

Hi, my name is Cobe Soldo. I always believed I was not quite like everyone around me. I felt apart, inward oriented, and at the same time possessing a very helpful position to other people: that is, complete genuineness in my own being and advice.

This has only been reenforced by those around me. Back in high school, when different friends could be bisexual, drug addicts, or complete idiots depending on weather patterns and hormonal spikes, I was told repeatedly that I was "not a poser" and "the only person who is doing whatever he wants". Keep in mind that it takes little effort to be what I was and am: yourself.

I never felt held back by societal restraints or religious ones, rather I was angered at them for implicit impositions on me. This has been an excellent path for me, but only recently have I become aware that I was indeed holding myself back.

When people(even if it's only one good friend) tell you that you are bulletproof, It builds your confidence but also makes you feel a responsibility. If you are bulletproof, Then you can never be shot down, or it will tarnish you. If you are reminded that you have "the fire", you want to keep it burning. And knowing exactly what keeps it burning seems like tricky business.

Only recently(about 2 hours ago), I realized how inane this really is. Human beings are who they were and always will be, and only the weakest of personalities sways in the breeze. I used to become worried about how a drug might be dulling my abilities, how my lifestyle(whatever it might have been) is leading me to a path of submission. Well, it's not, it never was, and the only thing that was making me submissive and anxious about "loosing myself" was the idea that it could happen.

I used to think that when I wake up tomorrow, I could be a different person. That maybe one day I'll just square-out. Yet I personally am at much less risk of that then anyone I can think of. This doesn't mean I ought to rest on my laurels, but it does mean I can let myself be myself and worry about the work that needs to be done. I don't need self-awareness to exist. Now I am free to be aware of much more.

Self-discovery? There is nothing there to be discovered. I know exactly my appetites, how to quell them in short order, and move the hell on.

murder murder

2009-02-18T22:20:00.002-05:00

I have known people who I wouldn't miss if they died. I didn't wish it on them, but I knew that I couldn't pretend to mourn them if it did happen. For 2 of these people, it did happen. And I was happy about it. I didn't hide my opinion, and of course I did feel bad for their families.

Someone I worked with for 1 1/2 years was murdered last week. He was not one of those people. But in the same breath, I don't think it was a devastating loss. That is the true nuance of an unexpected death. The expected reaction is to always think it was a terrible loss, no matter who it was. The more honest reaction is to be glad if it was someone you hated, and sad if it was anyone else. And still, there is a reaction much like mine, a complete neutrality mixed with a feeling of "glad I didn't have to be there".

The victim in question was a person who played many roles, which I repect. He was a towson university student, who had just graduated months before his death. He dealt tons of cannabis. Everyone knew that, and even to the untrained eye, he could be seen doling out cannabis to practical strangers. He liked athletics, he liked pop culture. He was both a loser and a winner, depending on your preconceptions and your perception. And that's the way most of us are.

The news reports only what suit and tie america would be devestated by: Towson University graduate, outside of baltimore city limits, shot in the back of the head. The same news story could read: Known drug dealer, because of possible drug war, shot in the back of the head. And this is the same individual we're talking about.

When I lived in baltimore, I would listen to local radio, which ran an audio version of "murder ink", an excellent column in the city paper reporting the weekly murder count. Whenever a victim was mentioned by name, someone would call in to describe how though he may have been involved with drug dealing, this was really a good kid. They'd mention the various redeemable qualities he had and the positive things he was involved in. I always shrugged it off. Not that I didn't believe it, but really because I thought that it was a cover for his darker side.

No longer. If the movie/book clockwork orange taught you anything besides "sociopathy seems pretty fun", it taught you that human beings are not machines, they are organic creatures, capable of great warmth and great frigidity. The news will paint an individual as all evil or all good depending on what political point they're trying to make. A college graduate can be a drug dealer. And that person can be murdered or live 100 years. Never think for one moment that there's any justice in it. Just remember that any report had an angle, besides this one.

all or all

2009-02-18T19:25:00.003-05:00

There is an unforgiving mood regarding human behavior, which is almost always unjustified. It resonates from and "all or nothing" mentality. Normally I like that, but when it applies to the judgement of someones character it's problematic.

A chief example is when it comes to drinking alcohol. Chronic alcoholics are expected by the majority to quit cold turkey, and if they have 1 more drink, or 33 more, they have relapsed. Truth be told, All they've done is had some alcohol, and are guilty of no more. It's not decisive victory for addiction- from that moment on they could still quit, and even if they still drink less often they've probably reduced some of their issues with it.

The same is obviously applied to other drug use. "I tried to quit, but then something really stressful happened and I was all like "yo I need a cig". Ok, you needed a cig, but you don't neccesarily need another, do you? Give the rest of the pack to the neighborhood kids.

There is alot of stupidity surrounding vegetarianism, none of which is the vegetarianism itself(which only means not eating meat, by the way). Whenever somebody finds out I'm a vegetarian through some accidental personable conversation, someone pipes up with some ridiculous anecdote that goes almost exactly as such "I was a vegetarian for a while, but then someone offered me a burger/turkey/been jerkey, and I ate it". There is never an addition of "and it was great, so I kept eating meat". In fact, they usually add "It was... ok". Well, then you ate meat. You could still go back to a vegetarian diet, and similar to quitting anything, you'll still be better off if you do it most of the time, if you can't do it all the time.

This applies to a multitude of things. We hang people out to dry for having a drink, a cigarette, or a sandwhich, instead of the people who don't have the presence of mind to even question their actions or the wherewithal to try something new.

Using drugs in the new century

2009-02-15T23:12:00.002-05:00

This century is about 9 years in and you're probably wondering what's the big deal. Or, you think you're still lost in 2002 and you ought to be lost now. How do you stay on the cutting edge? Well one thing that's changing, and not been explained well(esspecially in the following text) is cultural attitudes toward drug use.

The late 1900s was a very strange backlash against our friends: mind altering chemicals. Before the war on drugs started, drug use in the U.S. was at an all time low, including alcohol. Not so mysteriously, It has risen since. But which drugs, in particular? Well, heroin, cocaine, nicotine, and PCP use are down, and alcohol, cannabis, and caffeine use are up. Ecstacy use is up, but I believe that is a fluke of novelty.

There you have it, and probably in your cupboard/coffee table/pocket/bloodstream. The war on drugs "taught" us that all drugs are used for escapism, because they're easier than more traditional stess relief methods: crying, self-harm and murder. However, the premise is wrong. All drugs are not used for escapism. The most commonly used drugs now and over the course of history have been maintenance drugs.

What is a maintenance drug, your mom asks? It is a drug that is not used for escapism, but clarity. A drug that is not used to hide or get away, but rather problem solve and live the sober life(as much of it as you have to) more effectively. Often attached to alcohol and cannabis is the adage "functional". As in, "functional alcoholic" and "functional stoner". To attach this to those lifestyles is as wrong-headed as saying "functional television watcher" or "functional excerciser". Of course they are functional, because as long as they're not obsessive or otherwise mentally ill, their activity is a hobby. If their hobby alters the functioning of their brain, then that is a side effect they have chosen to accept because it is mild or positive.

It is often found with not-surprising shock that heavy-drug users and non-drugs users have more personality in common than those who "moderate". It seems intuitive to me. Non-drug users and heavy drug users are people who don't-want-to-and-don't, and do-want-to-and-do, respectively. Moderate drugs users are either people who don't-want-to-and-do or do-want-to-and-don't. The last group shows a true lack of conviction, living in a wishy-washy, non-commital haze. The first keeps a firm grip on reality and takes strong stances.

Deciding "I will alter how I subjectively perceive reality through the use of this chemical compound for my betterment" is not escapism at all. Being a completely different person with completely different motives from moment to moment is. It's quite literally escaping over and over again. The sober and the habitually inebriated know who they are. Those who dabble here and there in this and that are still searching.

right now

2009-02-14T19:11:00.001-05:00

It’s commonly said by “deep” individuals and other ridiculous sources that a person should “live in the moment”. The more I talk to other people(which isn’t much) I realize how little the people who expound this idea do it, even though it’s a decent sentiment.

There is no time I’ve been more aware of how much they’re not doing it than when I’ve had girlfriends. “My ex used to...”, “I remember when my parents...”, “I remember when I...” Really? Who even keeps track of this shit? There’s 1- 467,200 more hours ahead of you to live. It’s as if there’s flowers in front of you and you take time to smell the dirt.

It would be respectable enough if the memory had some application to the present of the future, but when I listen to “past-oriented” individuals it’s like verbal intercourse that’s half-limp and half-dry with no climax for either party. I wonder at the same time how many more delightful memories they’re squandering right now day-dreaming about some outmoded version of themselves living in an environment that would be pointless to go back to, even if it were possible.

So I was driving to work, the sun was shining, there was some low-income youth taking a 40 back to his rented one-bedroom apartment/possible squat, a total prick driving a teched-out foreign car in front of me, and it occurred to me just how much more committed I am to these strangers than I am to the people in my memory. All the ex-girlfriends, ex-friends, ex-feelings and my ex-life have less effect on me than if the car in front of me comes to a sudden stop or that urban youth bought the last St. Ides special brew. I focused my eyes and smiled.

cold water

2009-02-14T19:10:00.000-05:00

Time to purge, as vomit does. Out of my mouth, or yours, we have to get it out. Don’t be afraid, it’s over and out like CB radios. Fuzzy Transmission sometimes. It’s not as urgent as that truckers funny transmission. He loses his rig and hopes there’s some sand in the next 30 miles. They say it’s for runaway trucks but it’s really for stopping trucks. Runaway trucks stop at the diner, get more fuel, coffee and gruel and wind up like a spool. It’s easy to fool the cops, so it’s not much harder to fool the robbers. They play themselves when they take what’s mine, they take what’s ours. It’s like stealing your own halloween candy. Fuck the swedish fish and candy corn, with a hot meal I couldn’t be pampered more. There is no pleasure just the satisfaction of urges, and urges can run deep like magma at the earths core. The whole world doesn’t have enough for me, and I’ll never run out of something to give back. I suck blood, I’m a vampire, I’m back like vampire bats on your bottle of liquor. Thought you were through but you must have something to settle. It’s a test of your meddle like chromoly 7150. Do a trick, there’s some applause but most just watch. It can’t be real, they hope, cause if it is it makes them feel uncomfortable. They wonder why giving a place for people to do counter-cultural things doesn’t work. It’s because then it’s culture. Better to be a vulture, then you get to a fly away, even if corpses taste like cold grits and feet. It’s nice to meet you even though you could be a total prick I must defeat. I’m still happy to rise to the challenge, and I thank you in a left-handed sense, I’m off balance. I’m on tilt; bent, uneasy but more often than not I don’t feel queasy. That’s when you know it was the right move. Sometimes you can take them back like when you play chess with a good friend. He doesn’t think it’s important to win, but a stranger does. It’s strange. You can’t get a grip on human behavior anymore than a hanging victim gets a grip on a noose with his neck. So tip-toe and look out, keep your eyes peeled, hope your hearing is good. Cause they’re trying to get you, esspecially those who don’t know who you are. Don’t trust anyone who’s not trying to “get his” because that means he’s trying to get yours. If you try to lead a quiet life you’ll be woken up with a bucket of cold water.

imitation is the highest form of idiocy

2009-02-09T19:53:00.001-05:00

It’s said that art imitates life. This is true, but more accurately: art imitates the extremes of life. That’s what we call a dramatic portrayal. I have the sneaking suspicion many people think they're living in one.

If so, what we have is people using their life to imitate art that imitates life. The results are not drama, but melodrama, and not humor, but obnoxiousness. I have thought that people were “acting their parts” in all areas of my life. They can do it in any situation, as long as it has been dramatized. There’s a well known phenomenon of criminal acts that imitate movie and TV crimes. If that happens, I think it's very likely that people are doing the same imitations when they’re at their jobs, with their object of affection, or spending time with their friends.

And why wouldn’t they? Almost every dramatic portrayal, unless cautionary, ends with justice, life-affirmation and happiness. So, the monkey brain thinks that if it acts like that charming fellow in the romantic comedy, then a beautiful woman who is not interested in him will eventually change her mind and fall in love with him forever. And if the bank-robbers you saw on TV managed to walk in a bank, act real mean and walk out with cash, why couldn’t you do it?

Because of harassment laws and dye-packs, respectively. Much of the neurotic, ridiculous behavior in drama is not only not pragmatic, but distasteful if attempted in real life. The best jobs are the ones where you are left alone, not bombarded with thoughtless one-liners and practical jokes. The best romantic relationships are between people with mutual respect and individual personal lives. The crimes people get away with are the small ones.

When the TV is off, when the book is closed, your life is not a challenge to rival it. Your life is simple and not as stupid and wild. I’m very sorry.

The real reefer madness

2009-02-05T21:42:00.002-05:00

A lot of scare tactics were used to stop the cultivation of cannabis in the US, in the beginning of this century and continuing to the present. Even the name "marijuana", which is the spanish word for the plant, was likewise cultivated to use racial tensions to demonize cannabis. Among the most famous, campy portrayals of the supposed dangers of cannabis was the film "reefer madness" which depicted people jumping out of windows and performing many antisocial acts due to smoking it.

Of course it was and is untrue, but unfortunately this caused a backlash from otherwise rational, thinking cannabis users to think that no only was cannabis not as dangerous as portrayed, but that it wasn't dangerous at all and was in fact good. The results of the flowering backlash are so vast that cannabis is now misunderstood in the opposite direction.

I recently watched a movie called "humboldt county", which starts innocently enough, involving an unhappy man having sex with an insane woman: The cornerstone of human prorogation. From then, it starts with a pretty bleak portrayal of lifestyle cannabis growing and use, and slowly throughout the course of the movie the portrayal lifts(or drops) into a more sympathetic, and loving position. Cannabis users and growers, though not criminals, are not noble figures. Nor are they evil. They just devoted their life to a single drug, which is fucking stupid.

Fun Facts:

-Cannabis does make you dumber. The drop might not be of much consequence, but it's true. There may be high-functioning examples of potheads, but that is not the norm.

-Most cannabis users are only superficially concerned with environmental issues, just like the rest of us. Though they could ingest their drug in other forms, they smoke it. Why? Because they get a better high. Burning anything pollutes.

-(this happens in all drug movies) Everyone who doesn't use cannabis is not a total square. There are so many history-making radicals who thought that drugs were of no importance. Even the average cobe on the street, sober out of his goddamn mind, is not neccesarily lame. In addition, not everyone who uses a drug is a broad, creative thinking person. Many are complete squares themselves.

-Cannabis is not a natural enemy of any other drug. What advocates of maintence-drugs often do is demonize "competing drugs", as if to make the case for their own drug by negation. This is pretty mindless, as the hate for other drugs is usually as ill-founded as the hate for their own. Legalizing all drugs is sensible. The idea of legalizing some and not others is what got us into this mess of locking up pot-growers in the first place.

And the problem with these misconceptions is that it causes a false sense of security. This particular movie depicted a backwoods community in which cannabis was the equivalent of a ticket out. In such situations, people literally do go nuts over the ticket, and being high on cannabis does nothing to "medicate" said individuals. Anyone who thinks legalizing drugs would stop all drug-related crime is lying to themselves. People will always steal eachothers cannabis crops for the same reason they steal eachothers TVs and stick each other up for the money in each others pockets. Bad laws do propagate some crime, but not all of it. A bunch of potheads sitting around talking about how "if only" the government would change it's position; they could all be saved, is naive. There is more to contend with, like a drug addicts nature. Not that they get DT's when they don't smoke, but that they're willing to do anything to build their lives around pot, including stealing from others. That's the real reefer madness, and it does exist.

A for effort, F for competence

2009-02-03T22:03:00.002-05:00

I spent my years in school blinded by my rage at every waking moment, and could never fully articulate what was so terrible at the time. That's one of the problems with forcing children into institutions and setting standards for them. They almost always lack the requisite skills to express their grief, and often only manage to come up with something like "I don't like school".

Even for 2 years afterward, I just put all thoughts about school out of my mind, because I didn't want to waste any more time on it. Yet I did promise myself that someday, when I was sure the nightmare was over, I would explain calmly what was so awful. Hence...

Grades being the ultimate standard for a students performance is a terrible idea. The day I always paid the most attention to was the first day of class(while most of my classmates were busy sleeping or tripping balls on cough syrup). On that day, the teacher would explain the way they grade, I assume as a matter of standard practice. They put it on the chalkboard, on the energy-consuming projector, or on a sheet of paper, and every student but me didn't listen and didn't remember.

They each had their own system, but Homework was never more than 30% of the grade. So if I knew a subject pretty damn well from watching the history channel or asking questions when I was 9, I figured if I just got A's on all the classwork and tests, I would pass. I quickly realized how this "system" of grading was make-pretend. I would get A's or B's on my tests and classwork, and ask the teacher why I failed. They would say "you didn't do your homework". I would say that homework was only 30% of my grade, and they would look at me as if their asscheeks were clenching together, in shock that a student actualy remembered that. Then they informed me that when they review homework in class, that counts as class participation, which is classwork. When I would remind them that I did participate in homework review without doing the homework, they would say something that demonstrated that they had no response/were getting Delerium Tremens.

On one particularly nauseating occasion, I checked out my "progress report", and compared it directly to another students next to me. I noticed that there were simply more homework assignments listed on mine, so that the average was different for me than the other student. When I brought this up, the teacher was present, but probable thinking about a bottle of scotch at home or one of the attractive 15 year old women in the class. I realized another way that this "system" can be corrupted.

Another thing teachers would tell me up untill the 3rd quarter was that they take "marked improvement" into consideration. Meaning that, If I passed my last 2 quarters with A or B grades, despite failing the first 2, that they "might" let me pass. They never said that they absolutely would, so what was the incentive for trying? If I did work to pass them, then they could simply fail me cause they feel like it. So on several occasions, I opted to fail the class and take it with a different teacher rather than waste my time. Nothing about this system was set in stone, and I sure as hell didn't trust anyone who made the decision to be a school teacher.

When those situations came up, I would talk to the guidance counselor about how I was in a class for no reason. I had several unique solutions, always that my parents approved of, but they didn't. Among them:

Instead of taking a class that I'll fail, I could have a free period, in the cafeteria or library, to do my homework for other classes. My grades would improve in that case, and I wouldn't be a dead body in a useless class. Answer: No.

If it was the first class of the day, I could simply come in later. I would be more rested, and not waste mine or the teachers time. Answer: No.

I could switch to another class that I need. That way, I could get something else out of the way. At this they always(I mean ALWAYS) told be "there are too many students in that class already" but never put a hard figure on it. Sometimes there were 26, sometimes there where 31. How many Cobe Soldos does it take to fill a class? Answer: No.

Through the school refusing to accommodate me, I was forced to do what I thought was right, which was to skip the class and do something else, sometimes that something else was literally just to sit alone outside somewhere. Other times it was to go to someone elses lunch period and spend time with them. I have no regrets.

The climax so to speak came in 12th grade, my last year. Firstly, They let me know that I had enough credits to get my diploma without passing my first class. I was only interested in getting the bare-bones dimploma by this point, So I didn't waste my time on this class. They let me know that my "school attendance" for the day depended on attending my first class. Why? With this system, I could literally attend only my first class and go home, and that would count for more than skipping my first class and attending the rest of them. In any case, I did the latter most of the time, leading them to tell me that I had too many "absences"(despite attending every other class) and that I would have to take summer classes to get my dimploma. At this, I asked them on the spot for the paperwork to drop-out. They changed their minds on the spot, as well.

Then, in a class I did need to pass(English 12), I found out that my teacher was grading students differently. There's no way to sugar-coat that, and it's not excusable. The breaking point was when I turned in work on time, the Teacher "read it carefully" and gave me a C. Another student turned in work late, the teacher didn't read it and marked A on it immediately. When that happened, I told him that he's treating students to different standards, and walked out. When I came in the next day, he promised me "he would tell" the administration that I walked out, and "forgive me". I kept up with my assertion that he was wrong and I did the right thing. Of course things soured after that, but my passing the class came down to the final exam of the year. Because of a grading curve, I got a 123%, which would have been a 90% without the curve. That means that some other student got a 37%, with the curve got a 60%, and passed just like me. What is the rationale behind a grading curve? Because I did better by comparison, I did better than 100%? The idea blew my mind, but also, when it average into my other grades, caused me to pass the class.

I can't count how many times a teacher marked homework "A for completion" without grading it. That means that the mindless assholes surrounding me got A's on homework just for writing absolutely anything for their answers, and I got nothing. On more than a dozen occasions I was saved by my final exam, when the teacher would remark "maybe you do know this stuff". Wow! Who would've thought that I didn't need daily reenforcement to remember basic skills?

In many cases, grading and attendance not only had no relation to wether the student understood and could apply the material, but it was used against me to fail me based on my character or personality. What then is school good for? Is there a reason I couldn't just take the final exam at the beginning of the course to skip it? Yes. The reason is social control. They never let me come in late, hang out in the library or do what made sense because they simply had to keep my off the streets and out of the community for 3-6 hours of the day in my prime years. Fuck the teachers, Fuck the classes, and Fuck the system. It works for the mindless, and doesn't work for anyone else.

hi koos

2009-02-03T21:40:00.003-05:00

Ask the wilderness
to care about you; it won't.
you belong at home.

Five more syllables
for victory. The problem
is not time, but math.

A buried corpse and
a happy carefree man are
each just as lifeless.

Thumbtacks: sometimes sharp.
Only a man thinks he could
be sharp all the time.

Quell your appetites
not by stopping them frozen.
Let them thaw you out.

Calm meditation.
Yell and scream that it's clever.
I think you are scared.

for all you chicks and dudes

2009-01-31T17:25:00.003-05:00

I've said this before, but I think it warrants repeating. For some, they ought to hear it everyday.

If you are a fully-grown human being, that expects to be taken seriously, don't call yourself a "dude", "chick", "guy" or "girl". You are a man, or a woman. By calling yourself and others these things, you simply remove the responsibility that any human should have to not act like an idiot. Just to demonstrate the powers these words have:

A bad girl: some kind of sex-pot who is still becoming emotionally acquainted to basic human conduct
A bad woman: A woman who does irresponsible, mean-spirited things.

A good guy: A clueless, defenseless nobody
A good man: A determined, reliable person

Of course for relaxed settings, like talking to a friend, feel compelled to talk however you want. But if you indulge in the full benefits of adulthood, including being able to sign legally binding contracts and consent to sex, then you are a man or a woman. It's not a matter of "maturity"; which I don't particularly believe in, but a matter of embracing reality.

For example, when a "girl" dies because a sorority of "girls" put her through hazing, it's considered slightly regrettable. When a woman dies because a group of women physically abused her, they are murderers and at least complete idiots. Men and Women, from the age of 18, ought to refer to themselves as such. If they catch themselves doing something that they think a man or a woman shouldn't be doing, maybe some evil, be it just obnoxious or quite dangerous, can be stopped in it's tracks.

Workahol

2009-01-30T21:15:00.002-05:00

Workahol is not what you do at your job. It is also not what you do to forget about your job. Workahol is anything that you feel intensely compelled to do, outside of what you "need" to do. And it's relationship with the individual is just as strange, if not more stange, than it's suffix-namesake: alcohol.

You have, inside of you, a spinning orb of possible actions. Do you do something neccesary, like something to make money or some chore, or do you indulge in workahol? The priorities spin as such:

Feed yourself

Rest yourself

Feed the cat

Do laundry

Entertain yourself

Work

And with that, work is either embraced, or left behind and everything re-cycles. Workahol is not naturally addictive. It takes alot of will to commit yourself to something that is basically pointless in the short-run, with the promise that it will pay off in the long-run.

But that is exactly what the workaholic does. He has introduced in himself, through sheer will alone, the concept of "putting the work in" and he knows that if it is ignored, it will introduce itself in his natural cycle more and more often. At first he thinks "what the fuck ever" but in time he thinks "better to get it out of the way". Soon, he completes work as a matter of habit, and he is then a workaholic. Unknown to him, work is being completed at a rate he had never before seen.

S.A.P.s

2009-01-30T18:16:00.003-05:00

Similar in form and function to the jewish american princess, there exists a specimen of humanity known as the southern american princess. When I first moved to Winston-Salem, North Carolina for no particular reason, I was shocked by the shortage of beautiful women roaming the streets, pubs and general stores. Not that there are none; instead, they don't show themselves in similar proportion to other groups.

Yet, when the holidays rolled around, I was amazed by how many there were. At this time, they were showing themselves in greater proportion to other groups, and for what reason? To shop? Yes, exactly. Sadly, this creature, as voluptuous and interesting as it is, indeed believes it is a princess. I was still skeptical of the conclusion I had jumped to until I heard a story of a never-created marriage due to a father forbidding his daughter(a probable SAP) to marry a particular man. What century is this, anyway?

The S.A.P. is a modern incarnation of the Southern Belle. Whether ex- or implicitly, they are subservient to their fathers and boyfriends, and never get to see the light of day(a.k.a. Cobe Soldo). Though they could override the patriarchal standards of their "daddys", and I'm sure that some do, for the most part, they get to play with their toys(blocks, rich boys penises, GPAs) until they "settle down" and crank out children by means of a "not arranged" marriage, to keep money that has more likely than not trickled down from slavery within their families.

Perhaps I am just bitter because I'm not in college, where I would see many more attractive women. However, even when I was definitively not-in-college in other locations, these attractive women roamed the suburbs-turned-"cities" in packs, looking to get intoxicated and accidentally cross-pollinate with the likes of high-functioning white trash like me. Here, and maybe in the total southeast, they stay inside with the blinds closed, hiding from cocaine-addled negroes and youtube news show anchors. What a shame.

I'm a newsman.

2009-01-29T22:06:00.002-05:00

What is a newsman? What kind of man can encapsulate the full scope of world and local news, and still eat and drink enough to stay "alive"? I'll tell you:

A newsman takes care of his appetites. He doesn't worry about the politics of them, he just quells them before reporting. If a newsman does drugs, you can assume he has already done them before his job. If he has a significant other, he's already fucked them. This is a nice reversal of the "work before pleasure" mantra, because for a newsman it's pleasure before work, for works sake. Who can do a serious job with the possibility of future pleasure clouding their thoughts?

A newsman is in the now. Less effective ones will dissect the past and speculate on the future. But in doing so they have changed themselves from newsmen to historians or idiots, respectively. When you ask a newsman what's going on, you get an overloaded earful. Despite any other distractions, a newsman is primarily focused on awareness.

A newsman doesn't "get obliterated" in any sense of the term. He doesn't kill a liter of vodka in short order(unless he's reporting on vodka), he doesn't watch mind-numbing television, and he doesn't "just chat" with other people. He is fully aware of his surroundings, time in history, purpose, and physical condition at the given moment. He is here to live.

A newsman doesn't have friends. At least, he doesn't have friends that are ill-conducive to news reporting. Among the group of people he voluntarily shares his time with, at any moment he could say "time for an update" and everyone surrounding him would cease what they are doing and help create one. He doesn't have friends he could talk to about personal matters, because to him there is no such thing.

A newsman is compulsive about news. It is like the earth breathing for him, and who is going to send our planet into a respiratory arrest for their own comfort? All things must be dropped in the face of breaking news, including putting on clothing and talking a friend down from suicide.

A newsman completes his report. Anyone who exclaims "there's shit going down!" and doesn't follow-through is as useful as an alarm clock that goes off every minute. Of course there's shit going down, there always is. Instead, the newsman knows that the news isn't finished until the general public is pushed into a state of anxiety because of it. This happens when the report is finished and broadcast, and not a moment before.

valium cigars

2009-01-29T19:47:00.002-05:00

Sometimes, when I check into my subconcious nightly, I'm surprised by the quality, and the rates.

Last night I dreampt that Valium Cigars were somehow invented and available on a large scale. I can only imagine how they were made, simply crushing pills into tobacco cigars, creating valium liquid to cure the tobacco leaves in, it didn't matter.

The smoking of them chilled-out even the most violent factions in our society, and we were aided by them appealing to heads of state(who love a good cigar, which is never "just a cigar").

In my dream it was pure utopia. There was no more mellodrama and hysteria. Because the kind of people who cigars appeal to also probably need valium, The social change they caused was incredible.

Of course, If they were actually effectively produced, it would be behind a dumpster in portland oregon, due to a cannabis drought, and would cause some 14-year-olds to "feel alright" and decide to go watch TV instead of skateboard. In fact, that likely already happened. But It's fun to consider the wide acceptance and availability of the right drugs causing improvement for humanity.

fuck pluto

2009-01-29T19:29:00.002-05:00

SOMETHING I READ: Pluto is actually not as planet.

ME: Really? How come?

SOMTHING I READ: Well, a planet is defined as any body in the Solar System that is more massive than the total mass of all of the other bodies in a similar orbit. Pluto doesn't fit that definition.

ME: Oh. Word up.

----

STRANGER: You hear that they're trying to say pluto isn't a planet?

ANOTHER STRANGER: Who?

S: I dunno. Some egghead assholes.

AS: What do they know? Pluto was a planet when I was growing up, and everyone knows plutos a planet.

S: Yeah but they're going to change that.

AS: You mean they'll like change the books and school stuff?

S: They want to.

AS: That's nuts! That'll be really expensive, and the gumm'ent's taken enough of my money!

S: I know.

AS: And then what am I supposed to tell my kid, in school? What if they tell my son pluto isn't a planet! He'll think I'm stupid, grow up not respecting his father, and unless I beat him regularly he'll turn into a hippie or a gay!

S: I know. you figure these "super-smart" scientists would be smart enough to know the trouble they're causing. Well, they passed laws in some states to make sure pluto is still a planet.

AS: At least some people are sane.

"Knock that shit off" - insecurities

2009-01-28T10:01:00.003-05:00

Cobe Soldo is a blogger, newsman, emcee, and now advice column writer. Enjoy.

Everyone has certain insecurities. Various things about their body, thinking powers and clothing choices. What's so strange is the supposed gender disparity regarding insecurities. It has become so "the norm" for women to rely on their significant others for magic cures for their insecurities that I suspect many young women are simply making that shit up to more typify a "normal girlfriend".

Everyone is, at least somewhat concerned with their appearance, and unhappy about some of it. A man is only expected to talk about it if he is pointedly insecure- to the point of near-neurosis. Women, on the other hand, get away with ridiculously lavish demonstrations of "exactly how" insecure they feel. This is the first time I've been out of a relationship for more than 2 months since beginning the first one. Feeling apart from women now, I feel much less sympathetic to this "plight".

If someone spends time with you, has wild sex with you, and performs oral sex on you without turning their head and saying "got damn! yuck!", then chances are you are beautiful to them. There is no reason to badger them into constantly complimenting you. What's worse, for a man who fires alot of compliments at my significant others, they make it more difficult than that courteous act. Some of the most obnoxious times I've spent alone with women was when I reassured them, and they argued with me about it. Why?

I honestly think many women are simply reasurring themselves of their gender roles. Society says they shouldn't feel good about themselves, they should break open their boyfriends and find their self-worth, like in a fortune cookie. Well, I, not being sexist, know that women who are slaves to societal standards are just as culpable as the men who are.

One of the sexiest, most gorgeous and impressive things a woman can do is feel good about her appearance, and not pretend that she's not worthy of her boyfriends love. Confidence is just as arousing to the eyes of men as it is to the eyes of women. Then again, maybe I'm just a feminine man(we're better at sex).

The right amount

2009-01-25T22:21:00.002-05:00

If you're going to eat, eat till you're stuffed.

If you're going to smoke, smoke unfiltered.

If you're going to fuck, do it 3 times in a row.

If you're going to drink, black-out.

If you're going to live, do it forever...

If you're going to die, do it now.

If you're going to read, finish.

If you know what you want, get it.

If you know what you need, take it.

If you live on the edge, jump off.

If you don't want to stop, don't.

If you need some help, ask.

If you love me, show me.

If you want to begin, start.

If you want to finish, stop.

Soggy Bread

2009-01-25T14:18:00.000-05:00

I didn’t finish, and for that I was punished
The sink, for my sandwich; a good place to dump it
For a time I thought I ought to be dead
When I felt a handful of soggy bread.

My lips had been chapped, flakey and brown
I licked and I licked till blood came down
It dripped and dripped till my coffee was red
But it wasn’t as bad as that soggy bread.

One day, a bandit, in a black mask
Broke in my home, stuffed things in his sack
He gave me a fright, and an awful dread
But nothing felt worse than that soggy bread.

My nana, beloved, in her last hour
Cried and then died, the stench became sour
Alone, I lifted her, limp from her bed
She felt much better than soggy bread.

the unpatented invention of stress

2009-01-23T10:29:00.002-05:00

Most people drift along in a subdued, self-congratulatory haze. The hood ornament on this method of traveling through life(very slowly) is stress. Stress is, about 4 times out of 5, completely invented. 1 time out of 5, it's blown out of proportion, like everything else.

The equation that the modern daily grind operates on: work causes stress= stress is very upsetting= stress is complained about= stress is "relieved" and minute amounts of serotonin and dopamine flow. However, when carefully examined, most lives are not very stressful. When they are, the stress is more easily dealt with than the individual likes to admit.

Why? Couldn't they just realize that their lives are actually pretty uneventful? Well, yes, but that would mean 2 things: They wouldn't be justified in "relieving" their stress by drinking "a few beers" and badgering others, and also, They would be pretty bored, instead of in a constant state of time-killing alarm. With their unstressed, unaffected brains, what would they do? Think? Act? Do something to enjoy their own company? The horror!

What's worse than your full-time school schedule, your full-time work schedule and taking care or your 3 children? Whining about it afterwards instead of doing something else. You might have been stressed, for fleeting moments, and now those moments are over. Have a cup of coffee and read a book for fucks sake. You bastards are stressing me out.

my funeral wishes

2009-01-16T20:13:00.003-05:00

All of us are going to die, but some of us more than others. Just because my body was found motionless, 20 degrees frozen solid in the yukon with a lethal overdose of caffeine in my system doesn't mean you should label me "dead". It's judgemental and furthermore, if you accept my death that means you caused it through your inaction

Upon the discovery of my inert body, I want the funeral, or more accurately, the "revival" to begin at once. Despite my constant uttering of "what a bunch of bullshit" at supernatural claims, try all of them. Haitian voodoo(make sure it's performed by a blind, drunk 95 year old man), exorcisms, astrological hoopla, medical cures performed after the fact, slapping me around and begging me to "come on man" must all be tried. At that point, don't give up hope. That's what religious people do.

First contact everyone I hate and take some of their stuff. Just something that they're attached to. Don't tell them who you are, and for god sakes wear a mask, idiot. Second, contact everyone who likes me and ask them to donate money for the efforts to keep me alive. If they don't do it, take some of their stuff.

Pool all of the money, and take my body to the nicest hospital, wherever it exists in the world. Implore the fine doctors to upgrade my condition to alive, by any means neccesary. Offer them a small fraction of the money(the rest going to me upon my "return"), if they refuse, offer all of it. At this point, I will probably "come back" in some sense.

If not, at the 3 year mark, I probably am, in fact, dead. Autopsy every tissue in my body. I know for a fact I didn't die on purpose, so catch the bastard who did it, whether it be a sociopathic stranger, an enemy, a friend, or heart disease. Send a call to all bounty hunters who can be reached to drop their current jobs and find my killer for double their original bounty. When the culprit is apprehended, keep him/her/it alive and torture till the day he/she/it dies.

I then want a statue of my likeness to be erected right next to the current tallest sky-scraper in the world. The dimensions should be head and shoulders above it, just like I was in life. This skyscraper, internally, will be a massive museum of my lifes work, on every floor. Except the top floor. No one goes to the top floor, that's where you keep all my stuff. If another skyscraper tops me, make another statue of my likeness. I want to be wearing a blazer, with an afro that can be seen from space, with the words "too real" stamped on my chest. I want my real, original brain preserved and placed in the head of the statue(and moved to the next one) so that when the aliens land, they can retrieve it and revive me.

11 advertisements for neccesary things

2009-01-16T16:11:00.004-05:00

-computer without internet
Do you want to have the functions of your computer, without friends and enemies bombarding you with useless information and advertisements at 56K+ speeds? Since 1992, You may have forgotten that computers can be disconnected from the world. When they are, a computer is transformed from an exhausting social tool to an energizing tool of isolation. Excellent.

-whiteboard
Do you want the illusion of being able to start fresh, followed by the illusion of progress, followed by the illusion of being able to start fresh, over and over? Who doesn't? With a whiteboard, you can attain such illusions and maybe even reality(if you write it on there, in bold red).

-alcohol
Do you feel really "Ok" all the time? do you feel so "Ok" that you want to drive your car into an electrical pole? Well, with the consumption of alcohol, you can feel better than ok, and the next day, worse than ok. But at least the suffocating neutrality is put to rest. Just don't plan to drive, cause you might drive your car into an electrical pole.

-snus
Do you use your time and energy to great effect, are often congratulated on a job well done, and still don't know where your dopamine is hiding? Try some nicotine that doesn't have carbon and incinerated formaldehyde in it, and your dopamine will come out to play. The best part is now you can use your time and energy to use snus, and congratulate yourself!

-wikipedia
Want to know something? like, right the fuck now? Well, type "wikipedia.org" (you don't even need the WWW, because we all know you're on the world wide web) and check it out. If you don't find it, it's not real.

-mini fridge(or big fridge)
Tired of eating pizza and drinking warm liquor? yeah, me neither. But each thing can be improved with the recent invention of refrigeration! Food can be saved without causing new and upsetting flavors to emerge, and various drugs can be stored to have greater effect.

-mouthwash
What is that taste in your mouth? Shame, or vomit? It's probably a mixture of both, and if you want to feel "clean" while still living dirty, look no further than mouthwash. People will stop turning their heads and saying "oh my god!" when you speak to them, and the opposite sex will, as if by magic, do all sorts of invigorating things to your mouth with their own without being nauseated.

-calvin and hobbes books
Eyes burned out from the digital age? On drugs? Not on drugs? happy? sad? Tired of words? Tired of pictures? Attention span about 3-10 panels? There's an interesting synthesis called the comic strip that can satisfy you, and Calvin and Hobbes is the best one.

-audacity
Do you wish sounds, like people, could be manipulated for you own benefit? They can, with a freeware program called Audacity. It's like photoshop for audio. Now you can take perfectly good songs, break down their component parts and create a new off-putting song with MC GRAHAM rapping on it.

-video camera
It's one thing to just try to convince the people in your life that your inner circle of friends gets really drunk and does embarrasing/illegal things, it's another to actually record it for posterity, and have the people in your life watch it and talk to you much less. A video camera reminds you that your world is not limited to your facebook friends list, or your cellphone contacts list, but instead limited much greater to people who are willing to "work" on your videos with you for no compensation.

-condom
Love to have sex, but hate to have offspring? Wish you could trap all of your seemingly sterile but alarmingly fertile life-goop in a balloon and send it to the final frontier, your girlfriends trashcan next to her computer? Now you can. If you love to have sex with strangers but hate to have a syphilitic brain, it also helps.

men die too

2009-01-14T13:09:00.002-05:00

It's always been counted among casualties in wars and conflicts the "women and children". It's mentioned like a negation to the victorious killing of men. Typically, no one dares to question the horrors of killing women and children. And they shouldn't. On the other hand, they should question whether men dying is any less awful.

Why should women and children be exempt from dying in mankind's "neccesary" wars? Well, perhaps because women are necessary for the nurture of children, and keeping of a steady home which strengthens society. And perhaps children ought to get the chance to live out their time of wonder, exploration and personal development. But wait a second, don't men do all of those things as well? In fact, in many cases men are just as capable or moreso of providing a stable household and personally developing(which everyone does their entire lives, contrary to idiotic belief).

Male children get an even tougher break: They are guaranteed their childhood only with the possibility of dying as an adult man looming over their head. Once a male is "mature enough" to die in a war, he apparently has nothing else to offer the world but seeing how many people he can kill before he's taken out.

situation the first: a child is abducted in the congo, and conditioned and forced to fight for an army. He may die, and if he lives, he will have nightmares his entire life.

situation the second: an adult man is forced to serve mandatory military service in Israel. He may die, and if he lives, he will have nightmares his entire life.

Ask each child's father(note: not necessarily mother, fathers are capable of love as well) how they feel about their offspring's death. They will tell you the same thing, it was a horrible loss.

The most revolutionary thing an adult man of military age can do is keep himself alive.

revising the mirror's reflection

2009-01-14T10:15:00.003-05:00

I look in the mirror, and I see myself. I had little control over what myself would look like. I could do various things with my hair, maybe use make-up, but the shape and expressions were determined genetically. Similarly, how I feel about it was a foregone conclusion. Whether the man in the mirror is a friend or an enemy to me is at first out of my hands.

They say you can be beautiful on the inside. They don't mean that exactly, what they mean is you can alter your perceived image with what you say and do. However, what I say is still housed within my voice, which can be altered about as much as my face can be. What I do is still limited to the given functions of my body and brain. Each thing can gain more functions and stamina, but it's still in a cage of possibilities, not an ocean.

So, whether I am pretty or ugly to you when you watch me and see me speak, I can, through great effort, convey beauty. My beauty is not in what I am. People who are completely self-satisfied when they look in the mirror must have some crossed-wires. If I were one of them, I would only need to look in the mirror periodically to make sure I'm the same beautiful person, and return to bed. Rather, my beauty is in what I do. You are looking at me right now. When you are in my home, you are surrounded by me. I am not only myself, but everything I have moved, made and conquered. The mirror tells me I'm nothing special, all of my other reflections beg to differ.

screwy reviewy: magic mushrooms

2009-01-10T19:28:00.002-05:00

I really had no idea what I was in for. I had been piss drunk, I had been too stoned(from canna-brownies) to effectively hit the toilet while urinating. I remembered that psilocybin mushrooms is considered a less intense trip than LSD. The problem is, my experience, like all of ours, is limited by itself. I hadn't used LSD, so how could I know what was less intense than it?

So, I tripped my ass off. Every room was it's own world- and that's what "governed" the trip. I would stay in a room until it became too intense, and then move to another. When I would walk, every single wall of my usually boring home was brand new... literally I was confused as to what I would see when I turned my head.

Which brings me to another thing that I "didn't understand" until doing it. I figured that psilocybin was a pretty mellow experience because I wouldn't hallucinate. As in, I wouldn't see things that weren't there. While this is true, I didn't realize just how much your mind can make with what already exists. Everything I already saw or heard was playing tricks on me. Spacial relations were randomized, and audio in particular was repeated, amplified, or otherwise messed with.

At first being excited and euphoric about my state, I "asked questions" about other things in my life. When I asked about what role liquor should play in my life, I of course had to take a shot of it. I poured a shot of rotgut rum which forever has a place in my freezer, and while looking out the window at what seemed like the desert, I drank it, to my surprise, slowly. I remember trying to notice a gag reflex, and I just didn't have one whatsoever. When I was finished, Everything was the same. Of course it was, but for me this answered something: liquor was nothing, like water. LSD has shown a 50% success rate in treating alcoholics. I can imagine it's through similar soul-searching. Seeing just how intense magic mushrooms were was another re-enforcement. Even when I was black-out drunk, it was nowhere near as intense. Liquor remains in my mind like water. Whether drunkard or abstainer.

Then, I had a "friendship trip". I literally thought friends were the most important thing in the world. Calvin and hobbes strips seemed like an awesome re-enforcement of that idea. I read through some of the book, although I focused on the images. For me, this is unusual. I always read the text, and sometimes at the expense of the images. This time, I could read strips that had their own life without words(some of them had no words anyway).

Finally, and this could be considered the "bad" part of the trip, I thought I had lost my mind. I was finally sick of this trip, I just wanted sanity to come back. I imagined that I was one of those "final trippers"(which don't actually exist), that is, someone who went tripping on drugs and never came back to reality. The horror of this was excruciating. I was long past feeling gleeful about tripping, I just wanted it to end now. Imagining that it wouldn't, ironically enough, made me paranoid. The last hour, I tried to sleep, totally exhausted, but was unable to. I lay awake, the whole carnival ride still going in my room, and I just reminded myself of the simple pleasures in life, down to a shower, a cup of coffee, taking a shit, normalcy. Yet another thing I didn't understand until doing it was "not wanting to repeat the experience". I felt like my psyche had taken about a thousand shits, and I wanted now to start fresh.

When I could tell it was wearing off, I had a strange manic episode where "cleaning up" seemed incredibly important, which was unusual for me. Every dirty piece of clothing in my room, the stubble in my chin, the dirty dishes in the sink. I just wanted to make it all go away, and did make some of it go away on the spot. This feeling remains with me now, that I have alot of cleaning up to do, and I feel desperately I need to start fresh.

So that's it! besides these "episodes", my usual state was overstimulation and confusion. Looking out of windows continually reminded me of the desert, because there were no leaves anywhere(ironically, that's because it's winter). I would start obsessing over what season it was. that was re-enforced by the fact that I couldn't tell if I was warm or cold, hungry or thirsty, etc. An unusual amount of my attention was devoted to my physical well-being, and at times I had the vision of being very frail and elderly. That is why, hereafter, I can't imagine wanting to feel that way again. It was worthwhile, definitely, but now I realize how much I took sobriety and normalcy for granted.

To feel normal, day-to-day, is more than okay. It's great.

the human factory

2009-01-08T19:18:00.002-05:00

No one has a use for me if I’m not producing. I am a thing, much like a pile of wood or an idle computer. If I move my parts into mechanisms, then use those mechanisms to produce a worthwhile product, then my existence can be justified. I am a human factory.

I have a physical body of course, which houses what I have been genetically given, shaped further by my environmental conditions. This consists of my baseline emotional composition, the physical place on earth I choose to exist and the fuel I choose to use. When a product is finalized and given to those who have use for it- that is the best product I can produce at the time it was given.

If I am not producing in great enough quantities, or up to an expected quality, then I am redesigned. Each part of every mechanism is accounted for and it’s importance reevaluated. The part may be discarded, moved, rearranged, refashioned into a new part, or allowed to remain in it’s original function. Then I, the human factory, produce again... and the product is, in theory, improved.

Sometimes, an outside force like a human willingly or unknowingly sabotages me. Other times, I may forget regular maintenance like lubrication and the re-tightening of parts. Sometimes a part is exhausted, breaks, and needs to be replaced. My machinery seizes, and I can not produce momentarily. Everything needs to be repaired. It’s takes time. But less time on each new occurrence than the one before it.

If I take time to wallow, If I take time to grieve; my machinery will rust from idleness. When it is used again, it will have been weakened and break. If this happens too often; If I cannot produce efficiently, I will be rendered obsolete. So when you, the human being, tell me, the human factory, to take it easy, to let it go, to settle down, to take a break, to stop working for any reason, you are asking me to render myself obsolete. I would ask you to render yourself comatose, but you already have.

it takes no one to raise a child

2009-01-04T10:34:00.002-05:00

One thing that continues to bother me into adulthood is societal attitudes towards children and youth. In what is considered a highly developed country, wherein any nutbar can express any opinion he likes without fear of reprimand- our attitudes towards children and our treatment of them is still rooted in a dark time.

What's so strange about our disciplinarian attitude towards children is that with its other hand, society holds children up as innocent, fresh, and rightfully presented with expanding opportunity. Yet, when a child says something they "shouldn't", when a child does something "wrong", spanking them, slapping them, or otherwise abusing them is an acceptable course of action.

In fact, parents and authority figures that don't torture children for minor breaches of civility our frowned upon as lazy, ignorant or childish themselves. I don't use words like "torture" and "abuse" lightly. When one individual outweighs another by more than 100 lbs, is smarter and wiser than them by decades, and their action is to exert physical dominance on the smaller, weaker person, that is abuse and nothing less.

Even the idea that children need discipline is a falsehood. Children surely need to be taught what is acceptable behavior. And that is non-coercive, non-abusive, calm and calculated sociability. What's so strange is that adults assume that children will not learn how to behave in society without their discipline. Surely, if a child is not hit, if a child is not bound to their room("grounded"), they'll turn into a raging sociopath, willing to take a literal shit on someone instead of talking to them?

It's truly awful. When psychiatrists evaluate the antisocial, they never owe their disregard for human rights to a free childhood. Either the individual was continually abused, or their childhood was rather normal. But the conclusion reached is never "I did something unnaceptable, I wasn't spanked, so I started carefully harming others".

So what are the results of an undisciplined child? Well, the person typing came from a home where I was very rarely spanked until I was 9. The spanking not-so-mysteriously stopped when my dad was taken off of prescribed steroids. From that age on, I could come and go as I pleased. I never had to tell my parents what I was doing. My parents never even went upstairs, where me and my brother lived, to tell us to clean our rooms to their liking or have our property searched.

And here I am today, after an essentially undisciplined childhood, never having done wrong to another person, never having tricked or hurt to get my way. With the ability to think freely, knowing that any decision I make will not cause unrest in my family. Consistently creating pieces of "art" or "entertainment" in my free time that both educate the curious and criticize the wicked in our society. Possessing a grandiose view of myself that at the very least will cause me to enjoy every moment of my life and at the most will provide sustenance for myself and those around me.

Leave the kids alone. If they turn out to be bad apples, they were always going to be. Most will be good, because most people are decent. Don't turn good people into bitter, traumatized and frightened individuals by childhood conditioning, or "correcting". Save that for lab rats and political leaders.

overly-simplistic definitions: depression

2009-01-01T21:32:00.004-05:00

I've never jumped on the slowly moving, boring and unsafe bandwagon of depression. Though it's in style these days, I could never with a clear conscience say that my basic personality; my state of being, was depressed.

Well, those days haven't passed and never will. How did I "fight depression"? Though the psychologists and idiots will tell you that it's all biological difference, and our actions owe very little to it, they're wrong.

I've always worked for something. Not often for anything society would hold up as a worthwhile cause, but something. In every case of depression, a person either has no goals, or they've already completed their goals. In either case, the person is simply idle by their own standards, and doesn't want to be.

You're not in a position you like = you're not a person you'd admire = you don't like yourself = you're depressed. You might think it foolish and overly-simplistic to suggest that depressives just decide to do something, and do it, to cure their condition. You're probably right, but that's the only advice I have to give. I have never had a romance with lifestyle-depression because I'm happy when I'm working on something, and I'm always working on something.

If you don't like my advice, ask a depressive for some advice. He'll likely tell you "I'm not happy right now"... very useful.

more-or-less sympathy for everyone.

2008-12-30T10:13:00.002-05:00

check out point B

I'm reminded of the case of "perpetual abuse". Many people who psychologically and physically abuse others on an interpersonal level, claim that they themselves were abused before. Apologetics exist for such actions, claiming that people are "conditioned" to know abuse as the way normal people can behave.

However, it remains the case that many who are abused, in fact most; don't turn to abuse others. So context, although a factor, isn't the only one. I too am a Zimbardoian, and recognize that when people are very apt to take their "roles" when given them. So various heads of state that committed brutal acts where again using their power seriously, because they had it. I'd like to forgive some of these leaders for brutality because of the ends they made...

But like abuse, there were also heads of state who were given the power to get away with brutal acts, and didn't. Many of these leaders even achieved similar ends without brutality as part of their methodology. So the question at the end of this comparison is:

- are the brutal leaders/individual abusers extremely evil, and the rest of us just normal?

- or are the brutal and abusive amongst us just more in-touch with their primitive nature, and the rest of us EXRTEMELY good for resiting the urge to hurt others for our own/the worlds ends?

I'm going to take the very unpopular black-n-white position here and say that both answers are correct. People/leaders who don't use their power for brutality, and may even use it for good, are extremely commendable. And, because there is evidence that people CAN resist this urge to use brutality, those who do use it are morally culpable.

P.s. written in haste

bad guys are actually bad guys

2008-12-27T19:20:00.002-05:00

It's some kind of trendy act for men to support the wicked. This spawns the advocacy of characters in gangster films, and even historical villains for all the human rights they violated.

I was apt to do the same for much of my life, thinking that many truly awful characters were "bad-asses". Upon being asked why they were bad-asses, I would cite amusing situations wherein they hurt lots of people through their egomania.

Though these characters in history and fiction may be amusing to read about or watch, that's where the affection should end. Caligula wasn't a bad-ass, he forced those close to him to commit suicide on occasion, he killed people for no purpose besides his own amusement and intentionally caused starvation. If he existed now he would be a villainous spook, so what's the difference if its history? The character of Alex in a clockwork orange isn't some kind of nihilistic freedom fighter, he's a rapist and predator.

I'm not sure where the affinity for these characters comes from. Is is the viewers own feelings of impotency that cause him to encourage the dominance of the protagonist? Is it, on some level, what he wishes he could do if not held back by his pesky conscience and life of respect and friendship? Speaking for myself, I am more than happy to be bound by universal human rights.

In the context of a movie it may seem exciting, but if its a real-life account, or if it were reality- gunshot victims would have to live paralyzed, the dead's families would be forever devastated, and grief would continue to multiply everywhere for the momentary "justice" the protagonist inflicted.

So I hereafter will never talk positively about villains. It's not any comfort that it already happened or it's only a movie- because the same things are happening somewhere right now. If you think villains are perversely heroes of some kind- go find the real villains in the world and give them applause. If you wouldn't do that, don't ack like ya know.

the final word on alcohol

2008-12-24T22:24:00.002-05:00

I started drinking in earnest about 1 year and 2 months ago. When I type "drinking in earnest" I mean casually dosing myself with alcohol whenever I feel the need, usually daily, much like a caffeine or nicotine user.

Since starting, whether I drink or not, alcohol enters my thoughts daily. The thought is seductive for some reason, and what's more important than whether I drink or not is whether I waste all my time whining about it.

Q: What's worse than an alcoholic?
A: A person who doesn't drink, but talks about it all the time.

I don't care if I'm sober or drunk, I just want to be at peace about my choices. Finally, I feel like I am. Don't blink:

Alcohol makes life more dramatic.

There it is. Sometimes, life being more dramatic is exactly what you need. If you've carefully made your life choices, and are stuck doing something that bores you or you want to quit, have 1-33 drinks. If, however, you're life is out of hand, completely unpredictable and you want things to fall into a recognizable order- cut the booze.

That's all, folks. The crazy water makes you do crazy things. Sometimes that's really good, and sometimes that's really bad. You be the judge. If you don't stay on top of it, you'll end up a wino or a responsible father.

Be careful.

do you have what it takes?

2008-12-22T20:46:00.002-05:00

I've delivered your food for just about 2 1/2 years. Well, maybe it wasn't your particular food, but it was some jerk just like you. And after this rather sizable fraction of my life spent doing this, I'm having what psychologists call a "I just can't do this shit anymore" breakdown. It's usually experienced among careers such as hitman, heroin mule and other service industry jobs.

Yet, I still like being able to get food delivered on occasion, and most drivers can handle doing it for 1-112 months, so it's a necessary evil. The question is, will you join the ranks? Here are the requirements for being able to get pleasure out of the job in question:

-you love your fucking car. You'd rather be in your car than sitting in a cozy office chair, on your own sofa reading comic books, or in bed with a beautiful woman. You literally get excited every time you go for a spin in it. You don't even care if you're doing nothing that benefits you. (note: this is why almost all food delivery drivers do a socially unacceptable drug they have to do in their car)

-When someone hands you 2 quarters as a tip, you can refuse the urge to toss it on the ground, spit in their face and challenge them to a dominance contest. Most people don't feel like this the first time, but believe me, after the 2nd or 100th time, those feelings will start to creep in.

-You have the moral flexibility to literally take every order in the store while your coworker is off getting stoned or whacking off. This is the only way you can afford gas, right?

-You know how to steal food. The "getting sick of pizza/subs/the shittiest food in the world" idea is a myth. Whether you like it or not, if you spend enough time working by food, you're gonna want to eat it and if you actually pay for it, you will feel dirty forever. because you are dirty forever. Steal, it's the only way to get nowhere closer to receiving just compensation for your time and energy.

-When people are mad at you for being late, you can stare at them completely expressionless instead of explaining it to them. No one believes your stories, and you can't tell them that you made sure their order was late because last time they tipped you 2 quarters.

-When your boss delivers to "help out", you resist the urge to slash his tires/kidnap his children for ransom(a.k.a. the "original tip")

-You can get excited about working on holidays because 3 drunk customers(always blonde middle aged women) give you the equivalent of 10 extra dollars, total.

-You can fool yourself into thinking that a tip is "extra money", instead of money that your employer has docked from your pay already and left it up to the customer to make up.

-You're willing to listen to a CD that skips on every song, if it's the only music in your car at the time.(alternately, you can't get enough of talk fucking radio)

5 chill-inducing songs

2008-12-20T12:25:00.006-05:00

There is a physical sensation I get from a really good song, or part of a song, that I refer to as "the chills". I can never figure out exactly when it's going to happen, because even with these songs it doesn't most of the time. The chills are first felt as the hairs on the back of my neck standing up, then they move down my back and the length of my upper arms. The feeling is a more extreme high then I've felt before. Sometimes I seek out this feeling, which might be part of why I rarely get interested in new music. Here are the songs which have made me feel this way more often than any others, and are most consistent in inducing chills=

-Nine inch nails, "the great below"

This is a song with an amazingly apt nautical feeling, like a cold beach at night. the songs string plucking, deliberate and delicate because of probably being done by trent reznor while on valium, is enough to give chills at first. Then, the climax lyrically, as the singer screams "as I descend from grace... in arms of undertow... I will take my place... " at this point, I typically already have light chills. Then the finish "In the great below", the music drops out, then comes back in, half-intense, before the phrase is complete. At this point, my previous chills "explode" into a deeper single chill. amazing...

-Beck, "nicotine and gravy"

What is essentially a silly song is very impressive musically. First chills might be experienced when the bass line and drums drop in, which are low and slow enough to be accompanied while performing a drive by in a car with hydraulics. The listener, at this point, feels like a total bad-ass, wether he is or not(he's probably not). The song chugs along in the same mood, unassuming, and somehow, the nonsense lyrics in falsetto climax each and every time. The nonsense actually induces chills in one particular line: "I feed you fruit, that, Dooooon't exist". This effect, along with the satisfying chug of the music and perfect length, makes this strange song on the list.

-MF doom, "figaro"

It starts off with a bassy, jazzy intro that no one would expect to drop off into a slow, shattered sample beat. The only clue that "the shit's about to go down" is MF himself humming "mmm!" satisfied right before he drops into the song. Unlike much MF doom work, this one gets off to a verbose lyrical beginning- "the rest is empty, with no brain, but the clever nerd- the best emcee with no chain you ever heard" which sets the only premise for this song- almost every syllable rhymes with another one, anywhere it fits in the beat. and it always fits on the beat. Pauses are tasteful, not lazy or just to wait, very dramatic. Just as the listener grows accustomed to the consistent and impressive lyrical deliver, it seems to launch to another planet with "not enough tracks, hot enough black? It's too hot to handle, you got blue sandals, who shot you? who got you new spots to vandal? do not stand still, boast yo skills, close but no crills, toast for po' ills post no bills, coast-to-coast Joe Shmoe's flows ill, go chill, not supposed to overdose, no Doz pills". chills again start and climax with "no doz pills" which is slightly extended. The songs could end there with no complaints, but it against impresses the listener by continuing consistently to the end, and fading out. Anyone who thinks rap isn't music ought to be forced to listen to this.

-System of a down, "soil"
This is a song which I interpret to be about a close friend committing suicide, and trying to find the sense in it. The song loops in 15/16 time, giving a rushed, confused pace that fits it well. The listener is put in a state of mild manic confusion, which is interruped by the hard chorus, and then seemingly a climax- "Don't you", "Know that", "evil", "Lives in the motherfucking skin!", repeated voer and over with no percussion at first, and then a middle-eastern sounding guitar solo. At this point, it's the length of normal song and could again fade with no objection. instead, after a brief silence, Serj Tankian's truly scary voice comes back with "Why the fuck did you take him away from us you motherFUCKER! FUCKER! FUCKER!" with the music coming back for "fucker". The anger is palpable, slightly scary, and I'm getting chills now just remembering it without listening.

-Isaac hayes, "Ain't no sunshine"(live)
I'm not sure how I ended up with this particular live version, I was downloading soul music for the sampling, and listening out of curiosity. This was an amazing experience. towards the middle of the song, the music drops and Isaac's impressive voice does a dance on it's own, across octave ranges. It seems at some point that he's just showing off, kind of silly vocalization, and then, without warning "Ain't no sunshine, it's always rain, and it's anytiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime. any tiiiiiiiiiiiiiime. any tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime, she goes(ascends in pitch), Aaaaaaaaaaaa-WAYYYYY". on "way", the music, in a manner similar to "the great below", comes back in, lightly in the background. This is the most consistent in giving me chills- and interestingly it works not because of a build up, but a surprise, and the chills all happen at once.

I feel really wierd after remembering all these songs. The thought that I might one day give another person the similar physical and emotional sensation is what keeps me wanting to make music myself.

the science of female buttocks

2008-12-19T16:48:00.003-05:00

After 21 tiresome years of life, I am 100% certain that I am an ass man. Many men who claim the same prestigious title only like "ba-donka-donk" or some other kind of trendy, passing terminology for sloppy, unrestrained symmetrical fat deposits.

There are many dimensions, both physically and intellectually, for female buttocks. Commonly, when someone exclaims "nice ass", it is, indeed, not nice, but hostile in some sense or another. Here are when claiming "nice ass" is a misnomer:

-no hips. often called the "bubble butt", this is when a butt physically sticks out from the owner, but is missing the upside-down heart shape that reduces general levels of stress when seen. Though the shape could be admirable in every other respect, it must be housed in a set of curved hips to match. The lack of hips is an even worse eventuality when it is matched with wide shoulders. What gender are we looking at, anyway?

-doesn't protrude. The polar opposite of the no-hips phenomenon, this is when an "ass" if it is to be called so is shapely, with hips and even a remarkable cavern between cheeks, but there are no cheeks to match! Often championed by the Caucasian, this style of buttocks is unnacceptable to the individual participating in sex or looking at a woman from the side. If it's not like a button, if it doesn't jiggle when playfully struck, it's not a nice ass.

-one big cheek. This is when there is no worthwhile seperation between cheeks. Often seen in women of larger carriage. Though this may have been able to slide before women wore pants(probably leading to its propagation and existence in the present), it can't be overlooked in the era of jeans and pants. If a participant has to slide his/her hand an uncharted amount of territory to reach the vagina, it's not worth it. The female buttocks should be inviting, not intimidating.

-long butt syndrome. This is when, even in the days of low-rise jeans, an ass is "long" and not commensurately wide. Pragmatically, there shouldn't be a problem but aesthetically, this is associated in my mind with old age or poor health. A good indicator of the correct length is whether the legs, when walking, press into the buttocks, creating a noticeable curve on each cheek.

I, as an ass man, demand that the buttocks in question fulfill the criteria of curved hips, protrusion, independent cheekhood and short, youthful size. If it doesn't, it's not a nice ass and furthermore I wouldn't want to be associated with it. Very small breasts, superfulous belly fat and even the existence of hair can be foregone in the case of very nice ass. But not one feature of the buttocks can be overlooked.

Psychoanalyze this, bitch

2008-12-14T11:33:00.004-05:00

I stayed up last night several hours past my self-imposed bedtime to read the glossary of psychiatric terms on wikipedia. Because most of these are non-english words(hence the need for a glossary), They all involve rather extreme psychotic disturbances. My reaction upon reading each one was to either remember a time I felt vaguely similar, attempt to feel that way myself, or imagine seeing someone acting in that manner. As you might imagine, I was feeling pretty hot and bothered by the end of reading it and accompanying articles.

Feeling as though mental illness was knocking on my skull for entry and ready to sneak his friends in, I was worried about nightmares and other sleep problems. For the moments before slipping into slumber I reassured myself that I was sane, strong as a damn ox, and would wake up feeling like a million bucks. Strangely, I was correct. I slept a solid block of time, and towards the end of it, I had a wonderful dream, which goes as such:

I woke up on the apex of a snow covered hill, as If I had slept there for the night. On my belly, Like a human sled, I inched over the crest, and my completely rigid body(possibly resulting from reading this) slid down the hill with ease, and continued to slide around on the flat foot of the hill for a time, before running into looser snow. At this point, my brother was around, and I was on a slightly downhill road with patches of ice. My brother could also slide on just his belly, and between patches of ice, he could inexplicably "jump", while still on his belly, over gaps in the ice to continue sliding. When I got up to continue sledding, I still felt as though my body was a rigid board(the experience was felt like I was a wooden sled myself), though I had full mobility. I joined him in sliding on and "jumping" patches of ice, feeling very exhilarated.

Then I woke up. I wish I could buy my subconcious it's favorite flavor of ice cream- for turning the sensation of certain mental collapse into a carefree sensation of unaltered joy. The psychiatry nazis would probably say I'm disturbed and prescribe "corrective" medication.

Cobe's theory of mellodrama

2008-12-13T18:47:00.004-05:00

An emotions intensity is left up to the mercy, or intentions, of the beholder.
Each and every person is only privy to the range of emotions they've felt. And so, when I say I am "sad", I may or may not be feeling the same way you did when you were "depressed". For all I know, I may have the exact same physical and mental sensations you did, and I am by your standards "depressed". If I have been more sad, what I call depressed, then this, by my own personal comparison, is just sad.

It is a common theme in my life that people define me as cold and often lacking emotion. I have concluded that I am not unemotional, and that these people who define me as such are not feeling anything more intense(in either direction) than I am. Instead of me being halfway to sociopathy, I think that they are blowing things out of proportion for attention. It is the assumption of normalcy that puts a wedge between us both.

man A loses his job of 20 years. He is wildly depressed. man B loses his job of 20 years. He is annoyed. man A does nothing to help himself until the feeling passes, whereas man B, with the "abnormal" mild emotional reaction, works on getting another job. Emotions are only justified insofar as they are productive. Anything more, is melodramatic.

Screwy Reviewy: Stuck

2008-12-09T21:02:00.002-05:00

Stuck is a movie that I was fortunate enough not to read about before I watched it. It's really good. If you would like the same experience, GO WATCH IT before reading this.

Stuck is a movie, prefaced with "based on true events", about a Nurse, who while off-the-clock, driving on Ecstacy and probably drunk, hits a homeless man with her car. The man has both of his legs broken and is sent through her windshield, where his head drips blood on the passenger seat. On her way home, he slowly awakes and asks her for help. When she arrives home, where she's meeting her boyfriend(who's a drug dealer); she explains it to him- But she fails to mention that the man is still in her windshield, and alive. The man assures her that if she hit a homeless man and there were no witnesses, then they'll fix the car and everything will be alright.

This is where the black comedy/OMG-fest begins. The woman tries everything to not get caught for the crime, and as such gets no medical attention for the man. She eventually grows to deny that it was her fault at all, and becomes angry enough to assault the man. She enlists the help of her boyfriend, who, in an attempt to act "hard", acts as if he knows exactly what to do. It becomes clear that he doesn't, and his silky-smooth gangster talk completely dissipates, which is hilarious. After many trials and tribulations for the homeless man trying to save himself, They decide that the boyfriend will murder the man and leave his body in the park. He hesitates, both with a pillow and a gun, and instead the homeless man has a pen ready, stabs him in the eye, and drives it in as far as it will go.

The boyfriend dies, and the homeless man tries to escape, but then the nurse comes back in. She attempts to set the whole place on fire, to tell the police a very unlikely story, but then the homeless man drives the car into her shins, assumedly breaking her legs also, and gives a short monologue when she asks "help me". She tries to shoot him, and the friction from the bullet lights the garage on fire. The neighbors come, rescue the homeless man, and one can assume he survives to tell about it.

I left out alot of the description because I want to address the "based on true events" part of it. After watching the movie and feeling my life affirmed and butterflies in my stomach for human perseverance, I read about the actual story. It goes as such: A drunk and high nurse in texas hit a homeless man, decide to leave him to die and deal with it later, and he died the next morning. Her boyfriend and another man left the man in the park, and they attempted to burn her car to lose the evidence. She was only a suspect in the crime 4 months later, when she was bragging at a party about how she "Hit a white man" and got away with it. She was caught and sentenced to 50 years in prison. She's eligible for parole in 2027.

Though the movie is good in its own right, It's a bit upsetting knowing that the very incompetent, insensitive characters in the movie were even more incompetent and insensitive in real life. Instead of sympathetic characters that make rash decisions in the heat of the moment, The real life criminals involved were entirely cold, even bragging later on. The whole situation is sad, but it's also good that the movie alerted me to the real story- wherein the woman got what she deserved.

Overall, a worthwhile watch, but the movie is more like "Half a real story, then what you want to see". Which is satisfying, but leaves something to be desired.

who is sleep's cousin?

2008-12-08T20:58:00.002-05:00

I've spent most of my life getting as little sleep as possible. Since I don't have insomnia, narcolepsy or any other trendy new sleeping habits, my attempts have usually culminated in getting 4-6 hours of sleep for a few nights in a row and then getting 12 hours when I can't take that shit anymore. My habits were self-induced sometimes because of Asthma, but just as often because of the sexyness and mystique of restlessness and stories of admirable people who didn't sleep much.

Interestingly enough, when I moved out of my parents house, I didn't turn into a cliche youngster, burning the midnight oil for... some reason, and staying up all hours of the night looking for liquor and whores; or whatever it is young men are supposed to do. Instead, I've turned into Benjamin Franklin, early to bed and early to rise; usually sleeping 9-10 hours a night.

Changing my mind is one of my favorite things to do in life. It doesn't come easily for me like it does for the majority population of flakes and neurotics, so I've got to come clean on this one. Sleep is important. Skipping hours every night is just as bad for the mental form as skipping meals for the physical one. It can be done, and should be, when time needs to be bought once in a while. But the reasoning to be a lifestyle sleep hater falls flat.

Buying "waking hours" by cutting your sleeping (or just lying in bed) time, is probably not worthwhile. I've found that any time that I've forced myself to be awake needlessly is simply more depressing, more out of focus, and stretches on forever. It's a ridiculous reality to embrace; trading your unconscious problem solving time and recooperative rest for more "productive" hours.

Though personal and anecdotal; I can tell you that I feel more powerful, curious, effective and stronger than I ever have before, and I am almost certain it's because of sleeping 7 days straight as long as I pleased, guiltlessly.

I don't know why I ever thought being awake was so cool.

Cobe's methods for beating the greater depression

2008-12-04T17:06:00.002-05:00

The economy is in what economists commonly refer to as "the shitter". Most credible current reports say that it won't be as bad as the great depression of the 1930's. But it's important to remember that before the great depression happened there weren't a whole lot of people, save for WW1 veterans in the throws of PTSD flashbacks, forecasting it's onset. In my experience, it's always best to prepare for the worst. I'm confident I will survive this next "greater" depression and probably come out of it as some type of kingpin. You can do the same. Here's how:

-Cut the car. If you have a lifestyle for which you don't need a car, Then sell it now before confidence in the dollar plummets and cars are being bought and sold with chinese currency. Cars incur far more cost than their fuel. Insurance, inspections, state fees, tickets, and the human cost of being shot when you try to steal someone's license plates when you fail to live up to those responsibilities is expensive.

-If you must drive, steal. If you can produce your own fuel, do it. Whether it's in a backyard distillery for biodiesel or your neighbors house with a fishtank pump and alot of emptied 3 liter fanta bottles, finding fuel by any other method than a gas station is worthwhile.

-Save food. Pour your 2-day-old coffee into the chicken soup, clean off your plate simply with your tongue. Food will be the second most valuable thing when money is better used as welcome mats. I suggest the wide implementation of "food shots". If you can still afford a refrigerator or a damp basement crawlspace, take all food bits that are undesirable and place them in a blender. When there is quite a bit of crumbs in there, blend until liquid. Take the shot, and chase with liquor to kill bacteria. It will be gross, and if you don't do it you'll die.

-Hoard water/find water. Sooner or later municipalities will realize it's not cost effective to keep citizens hydrated and they'll raise the price into oblivion or tell you they're going laizes-fare with the water supply. Collect it from your neighbors hose, your gutters or a big barrel left in the rain. Bacteria infested water is better than no water at all. Chase with liquor to kill bacteria.

-Dumpster dive. Unless the employees take it first, many food and food like substances will still be thrown out everywhere. If not technically edible, place in "food shot" maker for later use. If located in a higher-income area with trash compacters, wait and ambush employee taking out the trash for his bagels/pizza/used napkins.

-Get a gun. If they don't pass out first, motherfuckers will try to rob you for food and water. Place a sign on the door to your house that says "resident has a fully loaded gun and doesn't sleep". Which will be true when REM sleep is less valuable than dumpster diving for donuts. Chase with liquor to kill the pain.

seeking new infections

2008-12-01T18:29:00.003-05:00

I had a moment of clarity that startled me a bit today. Perhaps as the result of manic-depressive black and white thinking, perhaps as a result of pessimism and general negative thinking, I don't define things in term of health, ever.

Even when referring to myself or people I greatly admire(like myself) I don't often phrase characteristics as healthy or positive. Instead of someone being a "hard worker and avid coffee-drinker" they are "a coffee addict and a workaholic". This can really be applied to everything, I see excess, sickness and desperation in all actions. Any positivity arising from that sickness is a by-product.

It's just hard to believe that after somebody takes their thousandth shot from a bottle of liquor that they simply "like drinking". Yes, that is certainly the case, but because of addiction. Not that they're addiction has neccesarily done them any harm.

I've always had this outlook and applied it to myself no differently. Instead of seeking activity, I seek sicknesses. My only curiosity is in seeking the right combination of things to be sick with. Being healthy has never, ever been important to me. I hate all things which wish to cure me, or anyone else, of the only thing that keeps them going: need and satisfation.

Fuck anyone who wants everything, person around them and themselves to be "healthy". Healthy is another word for "just ok"

gimmickry

2008-11-30T12:04:00.002-05:00

Gimmicks that don't work:

I know! If I want to get alot done, I'll take a few shots of liquor, which will put me in the right mood to be productive. Then, as a reward I'll take a couple more. Then, when work is difficult, I'll take som-... When did I go to bed?

I know! If I want to get alot done, I'll wake up real early in the morning, eat a big breakfast, drink some coffee and then... oh, time to go to work.

I know! If I want to get alot done, I'll drink alot of coffee. Then, I'll wait till it kicks in while I check my email. What? My orders late? I'm gonna call and straighten this out right now. *phone rings* "Hell yeah I'll cover a shift! money time!"... ah fuck.

I know! If I want to get alot done, I'll stay up real, real late and work on i...Damn, I have a headache. I better watch some kids in the hall till the feeling passes, and also eat some fat-filled snack. Zzzzzzz...

I know! If I want to get alot done, I'll write one page for every cup of coffee/piece of tobacco/shot of liquor. Well, I'll make up for this cup/piece/shot later. Shit, I'm behind 4 pages. Nevermind.

Gimmicks that do work:

I know! If I want to get alot done, I'll get started.

The robotic grocery store

2008-11-29T16:23:00.001-05:00

It was the cry of mid 1900's industrial laborers that their jobs were being replaced by machines. They however gave no reason that their jobs shouldn’t be, beyond of course their livelihoods; which the state and capital-holders of course did not feel obliged to provide them.

This is the only point I will side with the capitalists and state on. Technology is not the enemy, and the application of technology capable of replacing labor should not be foregone to placate laborers whose skills have obviously been obsoleted.

Imagine this. One day, you walk into a grocery store and pharmacy and are greeted with 40-50 laborers, all being paid minimum wage or superficially more to keep the operation running. You need certain products, and the laborers help you locate them, check them out so that you pay their slave-master the correct amount, and send you out of the door. You have just contributed to their exploitation, the capital-owners cache of capital, all for your own welfare.

The next day, you walk into a grocery store and greeted with no people, but a completely automated, interactive interface that locates all your necessary items, accounts for all of them, collects your payments and roboticly says “thank you” when you leave.

What change has occurred? Those interested in the welfare of the grocery store have taken a tip from the unmanned laundromats, and decided that their labor could be performed by machines instead of people. Those interested in the welfare of laborers, though their hearts are initially in the right place, are outraged at the lost jobs.

What they are not considering is that these laborers were not taken out behind the dumpsters and shot dead(hopefully)- they are somewhere else. Those 40-50 laborers are now in coffee shops, bookstores and bars waiting for discussion. They are in groups plotting and scheming how to make a decent living. They are playing guitars and drums in the street to supply petty cash. They are 40-50 more people who no longer have to perform obsolete labor for a capital-holder who would gladly exploit them for longer.

Labor is not our friend. The less labor that needs to be performed by actual people, the better. Because some labor still has to be performed, it ought to be compensated justly and accounted for. But if a machine can do it, than a person doesn’t have to. This is something that should be embraced by leftists, not fought. If the mindless leftist, hater of technology, vague primitivist with unspecified anger had his way, the laborers in the grocery store would remain employed unnecessarily, perhaps being paid the full value of their labor- but at what physical cost, and why?

These displaced laborers are available to do something that is still necessary for people to do, join radical movements, or get drunk with at a bar. In all cases, they are doing something better for society than wearing out their muscles and minds on something a well-oiled machine could do.

Screwy Reviewy: 10 mph

2008-11-28T20:02:00.002-05:00

This is a movie about self-described "guys from corporate america" who decide to travel across the US, from seattle to boston, on a segway(those fruity things you see cops on)

This movie would be okay if it was just simple documentations of their experiences- which are pretty interesting(follow any 3 jerk-offs on a trip and it will be), but instead it's overburdened with voice-over and covered with transitional screens.

I hate when a system of organizing a piece of film falls completely flat. One such instance is in Flight of the Conchords, when "Tuesday" or "Friday" pops up on the screen, and the viewer is forced to think "is this in one week or something?" for no reason.

This movie is partitioned with "words of wisdom" from the locals they meet on their trip, and the words or wisdom are the kind of uninspired statements that exacerbate boredom and depression rather than sooth it.

Unimpressed.

screwy reviewy: Pootie Tang

2008-11-27T21:39:00.002-05:00

I had high hopes for this movie, which is based on a sketch from the Chris Rock show, is a parody of Blaxploitation films, and is directed by Louis C.K. All of those hopes were met.

This movie is hilarious in so many ways. What's most striking about it, to me, is it has a high production value. Made in 2001, this was right around the time many comedy movies and shows turned grungey. This movie, to me, shows the value of giving something your all. It couldn't have been the same movie without great performances, writing, and directing from all those involved(which is alot of really good comedians).

The only problem that I see is that they run out of jokes about 3/4 through the movie, and it starts to repeat itself a bit. But by that time, You're just waiting for a grand finale, and get it.

The material itself is a biography of "Pootie Tang" who is "too cool for words" and speaks in nonsense that everyone loves. Yet, he condemns destructive behavior; and because of that, he both parodies black culture and demonstrates something of a "final say" in its direction. Excellent. Download it, and watch it. Wah da tah.

No Appetite

2008-11-25T02:25:00.002-05:00

I usually have an enormous appetite for food. Today, in an effort to save money on a long car trip, I only ate chocolate donut holes when I felt hunger pangs.

It worked, and when I got home planning to eat anything I could find I was surprised to find that I had very high energy and no appetite.

Since then I've drank water, and used more snus(smokeless tobacco) than I usually do, feeling more light-headed than usual. If I stop paying attention, which is happening alot, I'll start rocking in my chair.

My desire to "put out the work" is at least doubled, but my confidence is shaken, knowing that I couldn't adequately win in a fist fight or a freestyle battle right now.

My only conclusion is that This is not for me. Tomorrow I will wake up and consume the entire world.

screwy reviewy: Kodiak Premium Mint Dip

2008-11-20T18:03:00.004-05:00

This is considered a very scary product- and it is. The first time I bought a tin, opened it, and observed it in its natural habitat... I thought "hmmm... this doesn't seem that bad". That's why it's dangerous. It's a bear in tobacco's clothing.

"wrestling with the bear"(as users refer to it) feels great. It feels better than great. Somehow, your body seems to move to perform necessary tasks all on its own, and when surprises do come up, you don't care. Frustration literally seems impossible

So the only frustration arises from the product itself. It smells like mint, if mint grew testicles, and it tastes as if York peppermint patties were dehydrated, shredded, rehydrated, and cause cancer. At first it doesn't even cause that much salivation.

Only use this stuff if you are absolutely outside, or absolutely not in danger of having to swallow! I, having a job that requires constantly alternating between being outside and being inside where I absolutely can't spit(though I have in elevator shafts), was a fool to think that if caught in an emergency, I might be able to swallow some.

I've done it before with skoal products, and it kind of sucked- then I forgot about it. Swallowing Kodiak was like swallowing some kind of detergent. 5 minutes later I had painful hick-ups(really!) and 5 seconds after that... I thought, 'maybe this stuff isn't fit for human consumption, in any form'. Kodiak has a mysteriously high nicotine content, and that nicotine is more accurately delivered through a very high pH, which is unlike food products.

Kodiak did exactly what they tell you smokeless tobacco should do- it made me feel elated and struck fear into my heart. Well, maybe they don't tell you that, but that's what it did. Scary stuff. So scary that my lip is full of it right now.

P.S. this is what parents should make their kids do if they catch them using nicotine